So, it would seem Antonio Banderas is a fragrance mogul. He’s been selling colognes and perfumes for twenty whole years. Were YOU aware he’s some sort of olfactory baron? Was ANYONE, outside of the people who found them at Wal-Mart? Well, let me educate you. There are two collections: SECRET and SEDUCTION. In the SECRET collection, we have “Her Secret” and “Her Golden Secret” — is that like the Centrum Silver of secrets, for Women of an Age? — plus a version for men with just “The” and then a third, “The Secret Temptation,” because I guess men are allowed to feel that but women are not.

The SEDUCTION collection involves Blue Seduction (also available for ladies), Black Seduction, King Of Seduction (Queen, for women), King of Seduction Absolute (or Queen of Seduction Absolute Diva, yawn) Power of Seduction, and the limited edition Miami Blue Seduction and Miami Black Seduction, which I assume smell the same as the others but with extra notes of sand, humidity, and pretension. Oh, and there’s a “Classic” cologne for men called “Diavolo,” in case these do not capture your essence. His website says, “My relationship with fragrances has been lifelong. It’s part of who I am and, over the years, has become a true passion. A journey full of aromas and seduction that I invite you to discover.” Clearly, I’ve just done all your holiday shopping for you. YOU’RE WELCOME.