The Inglourious Basterds premiere in Germany was just a sight to behold, you guys. I wish we could have been there! For one thing, we could have told Diane Kruger that she looks very pretty:

Inglourious Basterds Germany Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals

And then we could have whispered in the bathroom that we weren’t WHOLLY sure about her hair, but LA LA LA LA WHERE’S PACEY? (Accessorizing herself with Josh Jackson was like the smartest thing ol’ Krug has done in years, by the way. Well, along with starring in the National Treasure movies, which somehow manage to be WRETCHED and yet also amazing and hilarious at the same time.)

And then we could have yammered about this poor hot man, who was constantly being yelled at:

Inglourious Basterds Germany Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals

“Look,” we’d have said to each other. “That hot man just wants to show us his suit and that smaller person keeps yelling at him. How mean to the nice hot man.”

Then we’d talk about how great Fonzie’s been looking lately:

Inglourious Basterds Germany Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals

Seriously, it’s like he hasn’t aged at all!

And THEN we’d do that thing where you don’t want to actually say, “OMG LOOK AT THE NUTBALLS OUTFIT ON THAT GIRL” out loud in case said girl hears you, so you just look at your friend and open your eyes REAL WIDE and raise up your brows SUPER HIGH and tilt your head aggressively toward the offending party. We’d do it to this one:

Inglourious Basterds Germany Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals

These two are in a German pop band, which apparently gives her license to wear footless, sheer pantyhose with what appears to be a menswear-inspired romper with a tie and a trench coat, all of which makes her look like the love child of a chorus girl in a naughty version of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and a flasher. He just looks like the boyfriend of a girl in a German pop band.

We’d make the same wrinkle-inducing scrunchy face about this woman:

Inglourious Basterds Germany Premiere - Red Carpet Arrivals

She’s a much-awarded German actress, who has played Eva Braun TWICE, once in something called Mein Führer: The Truly Truest Truth About Adolf Hitler, which I hope is a comedy, or else it sounds kind of glib. She was also in Hart to Hart made-for-TV movie called Hart to Hart: Till Death Do Us Part, which sounds TERRIBLE/awesome, and a movie entitled Bummm! which IMDb claims features female nudity. Presumably of someone’s bummm. I can only hope that this particular outfit means she’s in the midst of doing some Method-y research about her latest role as an aerobics instructur/chauffeur who’s investigating a series of murders in the course of being a spy by day and a hooker by night. It could be called Vehicular Ho-micide! If only we had been there to ask her if this was, in fact, the case in person. Woe. Maybe next time.