Let me try to replicate the experience of watching the Macy’s fireworks display on NBC, as the jib camera circled and got closer… closer…closer… to Biggest Loser’s Alison Sweeney.
Me: Oh… oh… OH, I’m scared. What is she wearing? Hold me.
ME: You don’t DO THAT to Sami Brady. She once tried to sell her own sister on the black market! This is going to be bad. This is going to be bad. This is going to be bad.
ALISON SWEENEY: Yeah, America, I can’t lie to you. This IS going to be bad.
ALISON: That’s right, America, I am dressed like someone who thinks the national anthem is “Legs” by ZZ Top. am dressed like party debris that Bret Michaels threw out LAST July Fourth, because he didn’t want anyone on the bus who still thought “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” was a love song just because it’s slow and who wanted to slow dance with her arms on his shoulders while they swayed aimlessly side-to-side. I am dressed like the cousin you had in sixth grade who you thought was SUPER cool because she knew what all the Prince lyrics really meant and she had a crimping iron. And I am dressed like Tiffany and Debbie Gibson all rolled into one super-teen-wonder.
ALISON: And when my pal Jillian Michaels hears about this, she is going to SNAP SOMEBODY’S NECK. So don’t you worry about me. I’m just fine, America. I’m JUST FINE.