HEIDI: Come on, Spencer, pose for the photo with me. It’ll be a wonderful thing to show our children.
SPENCER: Say WHAT, jive turkey?
HEIDI: Oh, please. You know this is coming. I’ve been fake-nagging you about it on The Hills all season, but you didn’t think it wasn’t going to HAPPEN, did you?
DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Stay strong, Spencer. DO NOT PROCREATE.
SPENCER: Listen, little lady, nobody can pin me down. I’m Grease Lightning.
HEIDI: Don’t you think it would be just ADORABLE to have a little girl I can dress in a tiny version of this outfit? She’ll be so glamorous! Like Suri Cruise crossed with a prostitute!
DUDE IN BACKGROUND: This can’t be allowed to happen, for the good of humankind.
SPENCER: Shut it down, woman. T-Birds like me need to fly free.
DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Should I take out one of them? Is this my “What If” moment?
HEIDI: Spencer. Do you KNOW how much more rich and famous we’ll be if I get pregnant? That’s like seven months’ worth of photo opportunities, plus baby-shower pictures we can sell, PLUS the birth photos and the first family photos, a guest-hosting spot on The View…
SPENCER: We’ll be so rich we can pay someone else to raise it!
SPENCER: So let’s do this thing. You’re not as dumb as you look, baby girl.
HEIDI: I’m not as dumb as YOU look, either. Seriously, lose the greaser bouffant. And don’t ever call me a “jive turkey” again or else I’ll refuse to let us hire a nanny.
SPENCER: OH GOD NO. Consider it lost.
HEIDI: I thought so.
DUDE IN BACKGROUND: Please, God, let him be shooting blanks.