“Hey guys, if I could just present this award real fast, because I have to pee?

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Also, I know you’re all wondering why I’m dressed like a walking banana with a big old bite taken out of it, but I can’t tell you that, because, frankly, I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided I should borrow this dress from my neighbor, who was a showgirl at the Tropicana in 1974.  I guess I thought it would be festive. But everyone’s going to slam me for it, aren’t they? I should have known when Lance said, ‘THAT is MY favorite mistake’ when I came out of the bathroom. I thought he meant me, in general, but now I know he means my outfit, specifically. So, yes, I know, I look like a cross-dressing, jaundice-afflicted Iggy Pop, but I’m here to present an award, so let’s just get it over with so I can get back to the line for the ladies room. I really don’t trust Kelly Osbourne to hold my spot for very much longer.”