“It’s MEEEE, loverrrrrs.”

“I just had to tell you! Look for me to accept a major award next year after I star in the emotional movie Beige Swan! I’m a PERFECTIONIST — the white swan! But I am DANGER and LUST and EROTICA — the black swan! Why settle for one when you can have todos! Ay, though, it will be a short movie. ‘Hola, Jennifer, I need a flesh-colored swan who is everything to all people,’ and then, ‘Ay, dios mio, Jennifer, YOU ARE MY BEIGE SWAN,’ and then poof, the movie is over and nobody got crazy. Maybe it will win for short-form documentary. And then I will be Jennifer Lopez, actress-singer-actress-designer-singer-mogul-talentfinder-swanperson-documentarian! HOW MANY HYPHENS DO YOU HAVE, BLOATFLECK? I THOUGHT SO.”