I understand that I may be the only person in America who watches According to Brian, or What About Brian? or Where Are The Kumquats, Brian? or whatever that show with WhatsHisName from 7th Heaven is called. Anyway, because none of you are watching it, none of you know that Rosanna Arquette is on this show, as Brian’s sister who just had a baby. Now, if you were to only see her on the red carpet here, you would think, “there’s NO WAY that old lady is having any babies any more.”

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She’s 48  in real life, but this unfortunate Mother-of-the-Bride jobber gives her an extra 20 years. And if 30 is the new 20, then 48 is the new 38 and she looks like the old 68, which means she’s somehow transformed herself into her own mother, which is really not the kind of “Red Carpet Transformation!” US Weekly is always chattering about.