Dear Sibi Blazic, AKA Mrs Christian Bale:

PLEASE STEP IN AND SAVE YOUR HUSBAND FROM HIMSELF. You can do it. Look at yourself — you’re gorgeous. HE’S LETTING DOWN THE SIDE.

Deep breaths. I shall just focus my inner eye on how dreamy he was in Little Women (I love that version. Don’t even get me started on that book-burner Amy March) and attempt to center myself.

But, seriously. A little help?