“Why, HELLO, Justin!


That’s right: this is what I would have looked like if we’d gotten married. You’re not hallucinating: I AM dressed as your lunatic bride. Later tonight, when you’re walking out to your car, you might see me sneaking down the street behind you, holding something sharp. I’m not saying that you will. I’m just saying you MIGHT.  Yes, I lost my other strap climbing up that vine outside your window this morning. I wanted to see what you were wearing. I like it. You could have worn that to our wedding. I know I always said I didn’t want to get married. Maybe I was just saying that so I seemed like that totally cool girl who didn’t care about getting married, because not caring about getting married went better with my reputation as That Girl Who Farts In Front of You and Watches Sports and Dances in Boys Underwear, but maybe I was lying, Justin. Did you ever think of that? Do you ever think about anything? DO YOU? DO YOU? DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT YOURSELF?

Anyway, yes. This is what I would have worn to our wedding. The happiest day of your life, that isn’t going to happen anymore. How do you feel, knowing that now you’re not going to have the happiest day of your life? Does it feel GOOD? DOES IT? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

So. Have a nice night at the Globes. I’m going to. I might just grab a PA and drive to Vegas and make an honest woman of myself. YOU DON’T KNOW.”