A lot of people were REALLY surprised when we didn’t like Anne Hathaway’s dress. So we tried. We really did. We thought maybe we had eaten a bad batch of Domino’s pizza or something, which would have lent itself to a very interesting commercial indeed, wherein we submitted to the company a photo of ourselves weeping over piles of GFY hate mail and woozily waving at our half-eaten pizza, and then the Domino’s president visibly deflates, shakes his head, tsks, and says, “This sort of thing CAN’T HAPPEN,” and then personally hand-delivers us a pizza without mind-altering black olives on it.

So, hear me out. It might take a while. But:

It’s just a little… much. I feel it is less “love” and more “other drugs.” I am sweating just looking at it, and it’s clinging to her in ways that make me want to apologize to her parents just for happening to glance her way. Funnily, it kind of evokes Victoria Beckham — it’s such a Posh pose. And if Posh Spice were wearing this, I might be more on board. But Posh Spice has a few years, some feuds (well, I assume), about ten haircuts, and a heap of crazy under her belt the likes of which Anne could not even fit into a fanny pack. I think she can carry the actual physical act of wearing a dress this slinky, but she can’t carry the camp that comes with it.

Which brings me to the most important objection: It’s simply irresponsible to wear something like this if you don’t intend to attack your archrival and push her into a lily pond, and/or destroy her art studio and all its pastel furnishings. Because you can’t wear something THIS Krystle Carrington and then fail to commit. Dynasty is not a passing fancy, kid. Dynasty is forever. So either get out there and shove Annette Bening into a puddle, or go home and try again tomorrow.

And one more thing:

Her back is way too shiny for it to be bare. Which means there’s got to be material there bridging the cutout…

… and that kind of zaps the sex appeal of it all. It’s the spinal equivalent of nude tights. She’s wearing backy hose. What is this, Sensible Work Sunday at the Globes? Boo.