Julia Roberts looks lovely…

67th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

… and as if she is going to a luncheon at The Ivy with Tom Hanks, where she ruffles his hair and calls him Hanksie and then sticks him with the check. On the one hand, I understand keeping it simple at an awards show where it is a) raining cats and dogs outside, and b) raining booze inside, but on the other hand, 99 percent of the other attendees went balls-out despite those factors. So I don’t understand why Julia here couldn’t get off her arse and into some vintage Valentino, which has served her well in the past. I suspect it has something to do with the vibe I get that if Julia’s name weren’t already a proper noun by the rules of grammar, she would make it one. Like, this woman may act like she’s chill and One Of The Guys, but she also oozes Oh, But I’m Julia Roberts, Sweetie. EVERYTHING is about HER, from that time Denzel won the Oscar and she opened the envelope and said, “I love my life,” before she read his name, to last night when she reminded us all she had been crouched next to Paul McCartney and then she stopped before reading the winner of the last film award to tell her kids to go to bed. Life is not a Julia Roberts movie, Julia; I know this because if it were, you would be a redhead again, you’d be in a dress that actually suits the occasion, and some studio exec would be e-mailing you notes about how you should stop talking about yourself and allow there to be some other characters. Also, I am pretty sure she stole all my money and ate my friend’s cat, and I just noticed her shoes seem to be patent leather in the front but not in the back; is that a trick of the lighting, or just kind of a weird-cool piece of footwear?

Ahem. So anyway, as I was ranting, it seems like she doesn’t give a fig that this is a fancier event than her ensemble warrants. Which, whatever — but I would like to point out that another celebrity who oozes that aura is Madonna. Here’s hoping that’s where their similarities end, and that in two years Julia Roberts will not turn up with dinosaur bones for arms and wearing a leotard with spiked tights. That would be even LESS event-appropriate, unless the event is The Royal Gaga Telethon For Underprivileged Stores On Melrose Avenue.