I’m enjoying Pretty Little Liars on ABC Family. It’s full of intrigue — the kind of idea you wish you’d had first, because it’s so juicy: four girls WITH SEEEEECRETS get texts presumably from beyond the grave of the friend whose death is a mystery to them OR IS IT. Troian Bellisario here plays Spencer Hastings, who accidentally made out with the fiance of her sister — who is played by the same girl who was Crazy Nanny Carrie on One Tree Hill, who kidnapped little Jamie, ran over Dan Scott before he could get his heart transplant, held him captive, and terrorized people, which led to a Children of the Corn denouement in a field. So clearly, Spencer Hastings should’ve known better. You don’t cross a girl who strapped Dan Scott to a bed and destroyed his transplant beeper.

This scrolldown fug is also in the “should have known better” file. Join me as we wander through it:

Celebrities attend the Disney ABC Television Group Summer Press Junket in Los Angeles, CA

[Photos: Splash News]

Pretty girl, cute summery dress that’s perfectly ABC Family… and then, HOLY CLODHOPPERS, BATMAN. I am going to file a grievance against those shoes. But not before we take a closer look:

Disney ABC Television Group Summer Press Junket - Los Angeles

Oy. So clunky for the occasion, the outfit, everything. It’s the Godfather 3 of fashion endings. And I’ll wager if Al Pacino saw these, he’d fall to his knees, trembling from the silent scream he’s emitting and all the energy it takes to eat that much scenery in one gulp. (Although in my head, Al Pacino does that ALL THE TIME — when he gets bad news, when he can’t find his car keys, when he’s out of orange juice.) And I feel for Troian here — if she’d just made a different shoe choice, then I’d never have linked her with such a horrible movie ending, nor with Sofia Coppola’s acting career. I’m sorry, Troian. I’m sure yours will be better, and better shod from here on out.
Also, when you’re flashing that much foot, I vote for some toenail polish. Putting her feet into those sandals is kind of like moving into the ugliest house on the block: If you’re not tearing it down, then at least try and spruce up what you can. Nail polish here would be like window boxes, or an herb garden, or a mailbox in the shape of Intern George. DO IT.