Confession: I don’t watch Dancing With the Stars, and I also don’t watch So You Think You Can Dance? I know this seems crazy, because I watch EVERYTHING and much of it is terrible. And yet. I don’t know.  I just don’t do it. And therefore Lacey Schwimmer here could literally run me over with her car and I would be unable to identify her for the police.

Instead, I would just call her, “this girl in terrible pants. Officer, I think they were JAMZ. WHERE IS MY MORPHINE?”

So, what I’m saying is, Lacey, if you see me crossing the street and you’re feeling the rage, feel free to speed up. You’re going to get away with it.