Jenna Jameson claims her divorce caused her recent, startling weight loss that has rendered her alarmingly ill and plastic-looking. And that might be a true story, and if so, I’m sorry she’s hitting a rough patch. But when I find myself in times of sorrow, Oscar Meyer comes to me, speaking words of wisdom. Words like “beef hot dog” and “bologna” and “bacon.” So I can’t relate. Plus, since she’s identified her problem, you’d think she’d start doing different things to cope with it. Things like:

1) Take two pieces of white bread. Slap an assload of cheddar on them. Butter the outsides. Fry until golden  brown. Then shove into your mouth and lick your greasy fingers and marinate in the bliss of a grilled-cheese sandwich. Repeat as needed. (And may I suggest a scraping of mustard and a splash or five of Worcestershire Sauce? You won’t be sorry.)

2) Don’t wear a sack dress that hangs limply off your vexingly bony frame.

3) Buy pre-made cookie dough. Preheat the oven, per the directions. Open the dough and proceed to eat it. Laugh to yourself that you bothered turning on the oven and switch it off, retiring to the couch with your dough loaf and a spoon.

That’s just a sampling, And yes, that last one isn’t exactly a healthy way to put on weight, but it IS a very mentally soothing exercise that comes in handy when you’re angry and you just want to sit at home and relax with a viewing of Crossroads and the subsequent barrage of reminders that your life could be worse. Mostly, we just feel that clearly, Jenna’s coping skills consist primarily of consuming no solid food, so count us in among the people who hope she realizes that strategy isn’t working to her advantage and that she will be much stronger for the rough road ahead if she is fortified with carbohydrates. And if our gift of grilled cheese — seriously, the Lea & Perrins makes it sing — somehow doesn’t help, well, at least we tried.