“NO NO NO DON’T GIVE ME THE BLAME FOR THIS PLATINUM MAKEOVER THAT’S SO DAMN LAME, LIKE FLAT CHAMPAGNE OR ACID RAIN OR HOW MEAN HENRY II WAS TO ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE. I TOLD KIM GOING BLONDE MIGHT BLEACH HER BRAIN NOW I THINK SHE’S CATATONIC FROM THE SCALP PAIN. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE THOUGH. OKAY FINE I MIGHT HAVE SAID, ‘FIND YOUR BLISS, WHAT THE HECK, #NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK AND I’M SORRY BECK.’ BUT SHE PICKED THAT COLOR LIKE A CARD FROM A DECK AND NOW SHE LOOKS A WRECK AND I’M ALL, ‘BLECH.'”

“AND WHEN IT’S ALL GONE TO SHIT WE GO TO OUR FAVORITE GAMBIT:

“THIS ISN’T HELPING. I’MMA HURL. SHE LOOKS LIKE A REFRIED PAGE THREE GIRL. SHE’S LIKE JORDAN-SLASH-KATIE PRICE, AKA CRACKPOT SPICE, AND I THOUGHT IT’D LOOK NICE BUT I GAVE HER BAD ADVICE AND NOW HER HEAD IS LIKE A VISE PINCHING MY SOUL UNTIL I SCREAM TWICE AND BURY MYSELF IN A BOWL OF FRIED RICE. I THOUGHT I HAD SNAGGED THE BEST BUT SHE’S PUTTING IT TO THE TEST, SO STRAP IN AND GET READY: IT’S EXISTENTIAL CRISIS KANYE WEST.”

[PHOTOS: SPLASH]