Fugdigger: Kim Kardashian Goes Blonde

“NO NO NO DON’T GIVE ME THE BLAME FOR THIS PLATINUM MAKEOVER THAT’S SO DAMN LAME, LIKE FLAT CHAMPAGNE OR ACID RAIN OR HOW MEAN HENRY II WAS TO ELEANOR OF AQUITAINE. I TOLD KIM GOING BLONDE MIGHT BLEACH HER BRAIN NOW I THINK SHE’S CATATONIC FROM THE SCALP PAIN. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE THOUGH. OKAY FINE I MIGHT HAVE SAID, ‘FIND YOUR BLISS, WHAT THE HECK, #NODISRESPECTTOBENAFFLECK AND I’M SORRY BECK.’ BUT SHE PICKED THAT COLOR LIKE A CARD FROM A DECK AND NOW SHE LOOKS A WRECK AND I’M ALL, ‘BLECH.'”

“AND WHEN IT’S ALL GONE TO SHIT WE GO TO OUR FAVORITE GAMBIT:

“THIS ISN’T HELPING. I’MMA HURL. SHE LOOKS LIKE A REFRIED PAGE THREE GIRL. SHE’S LIKE JORDAN-SLASH-KATIE PRICE, AKA CRACKPOT SPICE, AND I THOUGHT IT’D LOOK NICE BUT I GAVE HER BAD ADVICE AND NOW HER HEAD IS LIKE A VISE PINCHING MY SOUL UNTIL I SCREAM TWICE AND BURY MYSELF IN A BOWL OF FRIED RICE. I THOUGHT I HAD SNAGGED THE BEST BUT SHE’S PUTTING IT TO THE TEST, SO STRAP IN AND GET READY: IT’S EXISTENTIAL CRISIS KANYE WEST.”

[PHOTOS: SPLASH]