So, Twilight is really, really popular, right? If you haven’t read it, I guarantee that someone you know has, and is probably obsessed with it. I am not personally a huge fan for a variety of reasons, which I won’t get into because I don’t need Twilight fans after my ass (okay: basically I think a lot of the plot points which are presented as being Super Romantic are actually creepy and stalkery and, listen, you just should not be okay with it if you find out that this dude you’re seeing has been sneaking into your house unbeknownst to you and watching you sleep all night, every night, even if it’s under the guise of “protecting you” or something because for one thing, if you need protection, don’t you have a right to know that from the get-go instead of being treated like someone from a 1940s three-hankie weeper where the doctor and Bette Davis’s husband, like, make the executive decision not to tell the little lady that she’s got a giant brain tumor? ….I’ll stop there. Don’t email me! I know tons of people love it. My very own sister is obsessed with it. I get it. I read all the Anne Rice Lestat books. I’ve BEEN THERE.)

Anyhoodle, the book stresses over and over and over and over and over again that Cedric Diggory’s character up there is like the Most Beautiful, Handsome, Glorious, Sparkly (yes, he literally sparkles) Boy Alive — or, you know, Undead, since he’s a vampire and all. Whereas, I feel like THIS particular version of Edward….would have a hard time passing as a high school student. As he looks like a zombie. Not even a hot zombie. A zombie in need of a good hot oil treatment. No matter what issues I have with the book, the dude is supposed to be HOT. All vampires are hot. It’s like a rule of pop culture. Have we learned NOTHING from Buffy? (Well, considering that she’d tell this poor sap to put away the chest pubes, make a joke about his lipstick and stake his ass instead of swooning with some produce, I guess not.) Oh, Entertainment Weekly. First, your cruddy re-design and now this. What am I going to do with you?