And then there were four: On Thursday, the champions of the brackets will get together and play a sweaty, violent game of two-on-two basketball for the right to win a lifetime supply of caftans. Press-on nails will be a-flyin’. We’re so excited!
Once that’s done, then there’s the Fug Madness polls, in which the Cher champion will face off against the Madonna winner, with Bjork and Charo’s respective victors clashing next. Those victors will duke it out on Monday for the crown. It’s going to be so intense that we’re using any spare minutes in the day to meditate, stretch, dry out our livers, and check in on how David Silver is coping with his drug addiction over on SoapNet.
By request, here’s a filled-out bracket for people who are just returning from vacation and want to download a filled-in, the-story-so-far bracket that shows how we got from 65 to 4 (although clicking on our Fug Madness archive and reading through is probably more fun): Download Fug_Madness_bracket_finalfour.jpg
Now, here are you bracket winners.
WINNER: (2) SHARON STONE
It had gotten to the point where we thought it couldn’t be done. Tiny little 5-foot-nothing (or so we assume) Courtney Peldon turned into the giantess of this competition, laying waste to every higher seed that stood in her way. But she was no match for the pure, unbridled, nutty flavor of a hot cup of Sharon Stone. When you wear a rat’s paw pinned to your jacket, you trump spangled bra tops — or at least, that’s what we’re assuming the lesson is here. We also quite sincerely hope Sharon DOES take Courtney under her wing, because maybe they could bust this thing wide open in 2009 by competing as a pair. Somebody please get on arranging that.
Sharon will next compete against the winner of the Madonna bracket, who is…
WINNER: (1) VICTORIA “POSH SPICE” BECKHAM
With 62 percent of the vote, Posh dispatched Beyonce in a battle of
sorta-kinda one-named people who surely aspire to be as memorable as
the ones for whom we’ve named the brackets. We are giddy with
anticipation at her next contest — Posh? Sharon Stone? Together? Will
EITHER of them come out alive?
PERSON WHO EMERGED AHEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE: (3) PARIS HILTON
Sigh. I’m morally opposed to calling Paris a “winner,” or a “champion,” so I’d prefer to make it sound like the Bjork Bracket is something she just sort of made her way out of, like leaving Hyde on a Friday night and throwing a few elbows to make sure you get to the paparazzi before anyone else does. Mischa Barton really should’ve trained harder; she could only
drum up support from 30 percent of you, so Paris coasted to this
victory without even really breaking a sweat. However, she should
prepare to perspire like a South Florida deluge on Thursday, because
guess who she gets next?
WINNER: (2) BAI LING
This may have been one of our most dramatic competitions yet, and I don’t mean that in the douchey, Bachelor-style,
“Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever, For Real This Time, We Swear, You
Are Going To Pass Out And Hit Your Head On The Coffee Table From All
The Drama and The Roses And The Ceremony” way. This one was a corker,
for real: Bai was winning by a percent. Then she wasn’t. Then Chloe was
up by THREE percent and it was all looking very grim indeed, until
about an hour after lunch time, at which point all the Bai Ling fans
snapped out of their food comas and voted like crazy. She squeaked
through with a 51 percent mandate.
We’re agonizing already and it’s not even Final Four day yet.