DUDES. We need to talk about this situation, and by “this situation,” I don’t mean the fact that we can apparently now say “dragging ass” on the cover of a magazine without worrying that it’s sort of too tackily colloquial for a newsstand, or the fact that Kim Kardashian is now writing their True Story feature OH YES I SAID IT. I mean HER HAIR. What. Is. On. Her. HEAD? It looks like a beaver drowned in a vat of henna and, with its dying breath, catapulted himself onto her skull.

I’d also like to point out that, for some reason, Cosmo has violated its own rules and everything it’s ever stood for, and made her boobs look SMALLER than they actually are. Something’s afoot, as they say, at the Circle K: Did ScarJo steal an assistant editor’s car, and then use it to run over her Other G-Spot, repeatedly? Because otherwise I can’t understand what’s happening here.