I like you, Elle. You’re a good magazine. Which is why it pains me to tell you this: Today you are a COVER of LIES:

Nicole is NOT rocking those Dior shorts. And you should NOT try to rock them yourselves. They are hideous. Her abdomen looks like a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket of yore, and the only rocking of them that ought to be done is burying them under one.

She also has treadmill hair. It’s crispy there, and it’s crispy here:

This looks just a few notes off from Nicole Kidman. Like she is a very attractive, feminine man playing Nicole Kidman in an all boys’ school production of To Die For, or a prototype for a wax figure that will languish in a warehouse. I also humbly submit that the Calvin Klein slip dress, while better than the Dior Hellshorts, is also better left on the rack. Don’t give me bad advice about my life, Elle! I trusted you. Although, at least the interview excerpts seem interesting.

This outfit is by The Row, which means it’s been Touched By An Olsen. I actually think the coat could be arresting, especially if it were a gown, but I could do without the pants and sandals. ESPECIALLY the sandals. I like Nicole Kidman glamorous and icy and perfect, not looking like she’s in search of her missing hemp loom.

[Photos: Elle]