“HOLA LOVERS. So, the other day, I said to my man-boy, ‘You know what I want to be on? Good Housekeeping.’ Because there is nobody who is better at house keeping than yo. Miran, lovers, I am EXCELENTE at keeping a house. Why would you NOT keep it? Why would you SELL it when you could just go there sometime when you’re sick of one of your OTHER houses? I am the master, lovers! So I called the Good Housekeeping and they said, ‘HAHAHAHAHAAHAH,’ which I think was so sweet, lovers — they were so happy they were giggling!! — and then they said, ‘Yes, it will be great, sooooooooo America,’ but because they were SO SO MUY happy, they wrote it down wrong and OOPS, I am only on the cover for South Africa. But I don’t remember posing for this. Is that even my body? It might just be my head that they put on top of a First Prize ribbon for some local fair. Shhh, do not tell, but I am not okay with that, lovers. Jennifer Lopez Etc. does not have to ADVERTISE that she is first prize and she does not PRETEND THINGS (unless I have to pretend something, like how I pretended I liked this cover, in which case, I do it so well that you cannot tell because I AM A PROFESSIONAL). In fact, lovers, this revista is so strange. I do not WANT easy home makeovers — I want expensive ones, because if it does not cost six figures then it is not worth doing, si? And you cannot upcycle furniture. I tried to put Marc’s Wednesday coffin in the upcycling bin one time and they would not take it because they said it was too covered in strange stains. And I do not want to buy clothes for winter. What, is South Africa in some upside-down place where summer is winter? HAHAHA! It’s loco, lovers. Do not buy my magazine… more than once. Besos!”