I thought Cosmo had an iconic repeated cover pose — hand on hip, etc. — but maybe I made that up, or the great Joanna Coles is changing that now that she’s swooped in to, presumably, rescue it from being a magazine that shouts things at vaginas.

They  might have been better off with The Pose, because now I can see her under-buttock — you know, that place where the curve of your thigh drifts out and becomes the curve of your cheeks. She’s also wearing a pattern that looks like swatch vomit, but worst of all, to me, is that they made Carly Rae Jepsen look strung out here. Or something; something is off. She definitely doesn’t look like herself; for a second I thought it was Michelle Monaghan — although, to be fair to Michelle Monaghan, my actual thought was, “Man, Michelle Monaghan loons strung out on that cover.” There’s just something terrible and wacky and unappealing about it to me, like she hadn’t slept in three days so they just leaned her against a green screen, asked her to look at them for a second, and Photoshopped out her smartphone. I wouldn’t want to have lunch with that person, much less spend $5 to bring her back to my house and get me all stressed out about why her eyes aren’t focusing.