The bride wore Givenchy, but aside from one officially released photo, we have to wait to see the real pictures until whichever publication bought them lifts its embargo (I’m guessing they picked¬†People, for the respectability quotient, unless Us threw a big tantrum or something). For what it’s worth, her figure may have looked better in the gown on the Vogue cover — the Givenchy’s silhouette, which she favors, is one that she might THINK is a lot more flattering than perhaps it is — and she seems to have a mosquito tent on her head. But we shall have to wait and see; once the spit-shined official portraits are in, perhaps all those vague and dopey-sounding reports that she “stunned” (which feels like an adjective you pick off a dart board when you have to write about a wedding for which you know no details) will be true.

The guest fashions: mostly terrible, as you’ll see. I left out the photos of people whose names weren’t listed — just in case; for all I know, they showed up and were like, “… this isn’t the Forrester wedding? MY GOD, IS THAT TOMORROW?” — but honestly, it’s for the best. I’m sure other outlets have those pictures,¬†and the less said, the better.

The guest list: Despite what I imagine they assumed would be an extremely starry affair, the celeb quotient was paltry, and I have to wonder if Team Kimye will take that as a loss no matter how much publicity they drummed up for the rest of this thing. Chrissy Teigen and John Legend were, per Twitter, eating dinner in Brooklyn on Friday night, turned up in Florence on Saturday so he could sing “All Of Me” at the reception, and — by an Us report — got special permission from Kimye (!!) to leave early because he had a commitment in Atlantic City. And they were the biggest names of the bunch.

The gossip: Beyonce and Jay Z blew it off and allegedly spent he weekend in the Hamptons instead, which people nicer than I am have suggested is because they didn’t want their personal drama to overshadow the bride, but… listen, I don’t think Beyonce OR Jay Z has ever had a problem overshadowing anyone’s ANYTHING, and I don’t even necessarily mean that in a rude way. It just is, to me. Anyway, I suspect one or the other — or both — just flat-out didn’t want to go. And then they had the perfect reason not to when it turned out that Rachel Roy was there — she whose rumored dalliances with Jay Z is allegedly why Solange flew off the handle at the Met Gala. I mean, we will never know. All I am certain of is that Kanye is going to write a seriously wounded piece of poetry about this someday. And my dream is for Beyonce to Instagram a photo of herself from the day of the wedding doing absolutely nothing, with a cocktail in her hand, holding up a sign that says, “Kan ye get a refill? #BEYLIEVE IT.”

Oh, and Rob Kardashian… that poor kid is apparently so self-conscious right now that he actually left Europe THE DAY OF THE WEDDING to come back to L.A., because he didn’t want to be in wedding photos, allegedly because he is upset about his size. I’m not sure which is sadder: whatever is going on with him; the fact that his family actually LET HIM LEAVE (like, I hope they tried to counsel him and told him that they love him…?), or the fact that Us Weekly called him “the elusive sock designer.”

[Photos: Splash]

Tags: weddings
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