All right, everyone, let’s do this.
Firstly, this picture makes me laugh. It’s not that Chris Hemsworth can’t work this hair, but in this “soulful” pose it evokes nothing to me as much as Beverly Hills, 90210: The College Years, when Donna kept chipping away at her hair and Kelly was in the cult and then burned in a fire with Crispy Lesbian who fell in love with her, and they both had fuller hair on top and wispy semi-mullets in the back (and there’s also a whiff of Tracy, Brandon’s worst latter-day girlfriend, or Kathleen Robertson’s terrible hair when she first joined as Clare, although that link is less terrible). Like this, or kind of this, or maybe this GIF. Think The Rachel, but inexpensively done. Seriously, I see this and I feel like Ray Pruit is going to hop on over and smash some pumpkins and then write a throaty song about it, and everyone will be in baby-doll dresses.
Beyond the fact that I don’t even think this is the best picture of Chris Hemsworth, he feels like a completely random choice, even though I know 90 percent of the breathing world thinks he’s a dreamboat. (Me, I’m a Liam girl; much like with Ryan Gosling, which I know is also sacrilege, for me Chris Hemsworth needs to be moving and talking for about twenty minutes before I get on board the train. I didn’t get it AT ALL until I saw The Avengers, because I missed Thor, much like how I didn’t get Ryan Gosling until Crazy Stupid Love. I know you will think I am crazy, but look at it this way: It means I’m not in the line that’s forming, so more room for everyone else. And I don’t feel bad saying it because I get the impression neither The Hems nor The Gos cares WHAT I think of them as specimens as long as I think they’re good at their jobs, and I do. So.)
Ahem. Anyway, Chris Pratt seems to have been the populist pick, but GQ made him Man of the Year about three days before this cover came out, and my guess is that there is NO WAY that People — justifiably the Grande Dame of the magazine rack — is going to look like it’s chasing another publication. I’m conspiracy-theorying that they wanted to do Chris Pratt but found out enough in advance that GQ would beat them to market, and they switched it out. And that they didn’t go with Idris Elba because they didn’t think he was enough of a household name, and they didn’t go with Neil Patrick Harris because they didn’t think “host of the Oscars” was enough of a future project to hang it off of (and that they just did a Leanly Muscular Guy Who Sings last year with Adam Levine). So they went with The Hems — a nice, hunky, ice-eyed piece of man — and then covered their asses with Idris and Chris, so that they broke off a little bit of those fan bases without looking like a copycat.
But, sound off: Who do you think should’ve been on the cover? (I was afraid they’d pick Married Intern George.) And when it comes to the Hemsworths, are you pro-Chris, pro-Liam, or pro-Bonus Brother who’s oft-forgotten? Honestly, I’ve decided they all draw their power from each other. If we only had one Hemsworth, for instance, would that Hemsworth burn as brightly? See: We’re all philosophy up in here.