Obviously we are delighted that Lifetime is continuing its attempt to make the movie equivalent of an E! True Hollywood Story. Having done Saved By The Bell, it’s moving on to Beverly Hills, 90210, and Melrose Place. This is going to be terrible, probably, but I’m hoping it will be so in all the right ways. If they blow this, they might as well hang up their soft-focus lenses.

Here is how they envision the Minnesota Twins and their friends:

I assume that’s Donna and Andrea over there on the left, then David is back there looking like a complete hipster and not at ALL like the precious early ’90s blouse that he truly was. Brenda’s hair looks to me like kind of a wrong hybrid of her bangless first-season hair and the fringe she wore during the rest of The Brenda Years, a.k.a. The Best Years, a.k.a. The Only True Canon. Her blazer is insufficiently oversize and heavy-of-shoulder and the sleeves need to be rolled up, and I’m concerned about her ability to flounce out of the room in a cloud of her own bitchcraft (although obviously in a cast photo she’s probably not going FULL Brendoherty on us). Kelly also should be in a blazer, in a newscaster power hue of blue or red. That’s clearly Dylan poking his head up behind them both, as if “Ability to Squint On Cue” is the only thing casting agents thought was relevant in the casting of the very best and most important character. Steve looks like freaking Bill from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, too goofy to own a Corvette with the license plate I8A 4RE. He ought to be wearing a red shirt, as was his proclivity. And Brandon looks like Spencer Pratt. Which is apt in a spiritual way, as Brandon is JUST ABSOLUTELY AWFUL (seriously, rematch any episode and try not to yell at his sanctimony) and so was Spencer in his brief yet still overlong heyday.

Kelly’s FACE is very like Young Jennie Garth in the photo, at least. And the actress they have playing Valerie is the same one who played Tiffani Thiessen’s alter-ego Kelly in the Saved By The Bell movie, which I think is very funny. Poor Steve here comes off like a total goob, which I guess compared to Luke Perry, he was, until the cast grew up and we got to like season eight or nine and Ian Ziering figured out his hair and no longer looked 40-playing-16 because he was now 40-playing-25. And… seriously, I’m stuck on David Silver. That’s the best you could do to replicate The Notorious B.A.G.?

Obviously I can’t wait to see how my snap judgment bears out.

Next up, the Melrose crew:

I can’t with any of this except for Fake Sydney and Fake Courtney Thorne-Smith in the vest. Oh, and Fake Gay Matt — he looks great, actually. He’s totally got Doug Savant’s stony glare and chin. But like… Filling Heather Locklear’s mules as Amanda is a big deal and I was probably never going to be satisfied with anyone they chose (at least in pictures). Poor Amy Locane and The Other Vanessa Williams are like, “Yeah, we’re getting written out in like at one or two of this thing anyway, so whatever.” Why does Billy (the dude in the vest, yes?) have a receding hairline? Or is Billy the one in the blazer by Jo? Is the orange  guy with the open shirt, standing next to a really bad likeness of Josie Bissett, supposed to be my beloved evil MICHAEL MANCINI? Please no. Surely not. Surely Michael is placed wrongly next to Jo on the other side of the photo, and Orange Julius is a terrible likeness for Jake instead. But WHY can’t even tell, other than Gay Matt, which dude is what guy? Also, NONE of them on Melrose Place had Cheeto-colored skin. Please make that man exfoliate before the shoot begins.