Fug Madness 2015, Round Two: Cher Bracket, Part 1

Jump to: No. 5 Bella Thorne vs. No. 13 Kate Walsh 

No. 1 KIM KARDASHIAN vs. No. 9 JENA MALONE 

Jena pushed Mockingjay Part 1 pretty hard this year, but I saw it last night, and she may not even have a LINE (they did shoot them both at the same time, though).  Imagine what she might do to promote the big final movie, in which she presumably SPEAKS.

I hated this, I’ll be honest. It seems stiff and unflattering, I don’t love the bodice, and she wore vanilla satin platforms, which you can see because the skirt created all kinds of crotch-wrangling issues. I don’t know. It’s not a Fug Madness Starmaker, but it still leaves me reaching for a sweater.

The Clothes Talk Back: Actress Jena Malone’s Dress Opens Its Mouth.

There is so much going on here that I actually feel like her dress COULD be getting eaten before our very eyes. That, or it was originally just mesh and then she hung a bunch of fishing lures on it at the last second.

And, no. Just no.

But let’s also be real: This is just a preamble. It all happened, none of it was ideal, but her campaign is being waged chiefly on the back of this atrocity:

AND IT IS A DOOZY. It’s a full-on Fug in the First Degree. It proves she can run with the big dogs, and I’m torn between hoping she delivers on that promise, and begging her to save herself. Because do you really want to fit in with this person?

I mean, I guess they have panties in common?

And… bras?

UGH. (Not you, North. I don’t blame you for any of this. I am rooting for you to grow up to be a neuroscientist who them also becomes Secretary of Defense or something, and changes her name to Jane, and legally emancipates herself from anyone whose name has a K in it at all anywhere.)

I still can’t believe this. Ralph & Russo had a triumphant rise when Angelina Jolie wore that glorious white suit in her first post-mastectomy appearance, and now it has been dragged into this mess. The bodysuit, though, isn’t theirs. I don’t remember whose it IS, but she wore a nearly identical Ulyana Sergeenko bodice another time, and someone (KANYE) desperately needs to tell her that it’s not a good look. For anyone.

Also, remember how she wore not one but TWO dresses that made her look like a sex toy? Or the time she tried to go a little Cleopatra?

Or Kleopatra, I suppose. She also kept wearing that horrible nude sleeveless shirt that left nothing to the imagination, and indeed, partied at Bonnaroo in a see-through top that she and Kanye celebrated on Instagram. And I don’t think anyone will ever forget The Backless Shirt.

Not that it goes well for her when she’s more covered, either. Like ANY of those Balmain sheaths she wore. Or this hilarrible skirt.

Or:

AND THEN:

I will end with the time she and Kanye wore matching cleavage:

I would give her credit for a marvelous array of “WTF ARE YOU KIDDING ME” expressions, if I thought any of them were on purpose.

Care to visit their archives? Go ahead: Here’s Kim’s, and here’s Jena’s.

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No. 5 BELLA THORNE vs. No. 13 KATE WALSH 

When we did the seedings, I said to Jess, “Kate Walsh might sneak through a lot of this thing. She’s a low seed with legs.”

Literally:

Indeed, that was not the only time Kate brought those out:

 

She also did the see-through overlay thing, in a gown that might have been beautiful if it had been short or long but not both. And please, let us revisit the insanity of the shoes she paired with this tiny little see-through skating ensemble:

#FreeJacket.

I can’t hashtag this one #FreeBra…

… because without it, EVERYTHING would be free.

SO MANY BOOB PATCHES. She ought to organize her wardrobe that way — an entire Boob Patch section, and then everything else.

And just in case you think Fug Madness is all about the sheers:

This could not be more opaque, and it’s still a hot mess on her. So is this weirdo Kardashian-esque bodice, and hey, there was that time she looked like ribbon candy. Oh, ADDISON. It didn’t have to be this way.

And now, Bella. I hadn’t even picked her to advance to this round, but LOOK OUT, because it turns out she wore some stuff this year that we egregiously did not have in our archives. BEHOLD:

And:

SO CLOSE. Just clip the mullet, girl! Freedom lies ahead!

I don’t think we had this one, either:

Kate Walsh probably wishes SHE had it, though.

And that hair just mashes my soul into a runny puree.

We didn’t sleep on her Worst Hits entirely, though. Remember this?

Why is there some kind of totem over the crotch of this ornate diaper? Having said that, Kate Walsh would totally cover THAT, too. And probably this, given that it’s so see-through.

And why do these exist?

Not to mention her Ninja Turtles Video Vixen look, this poofy old thing, a frighteningly tight green satin sheath, and OH MY GOD, GIRL. And there’s more, if you are brave enough to troll her archive.

You probably should, though, kid. This could be a tight one. Poke around the Interwebs and then send one of them packing.

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