Fug Madness 2015, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part 2

Jump to: No. 1 Rihanna vs. No. 16 Jordin Sparks · No. 4 Rose McGowan vs. No. 13 Sophia Bush · No. 5 Gwyneth Paltrow vs. No. 12 Julianne Hough 

8. CARA DELEVINGNE vs. 9. KRISTEN STEWART

These two could not have known that their destinies lay in a pants-off, but what a treat for us that it’s happening now. Your sub-debate here is, in fact, which single pair is empirically just WORSE. My answer might actually be Kristen’s:

They are: high-waisted, possibly made of a combination of Styrofoam and that stretchy one-ply material they use to make hospital granny-panties for new mothers, FLARE AT THE THIGH, and then cuff at the ankle. Nobody in the world would accept three wishes from this genie. She is untrustworthy.

Cara’s, on the other hand, are full Cracked-Out Circus Performer:

These MIGHT be worse than Kristen’s. But… are they? The top is obviously a fast train to Mileyville, but if we’re JUST going pants… and at least this has a costumey feel, whereas that one is just… if we JUST had to vote between these two garments, I genuinely think it’d be a contentious close vote. Maybe I WILL make you do it, just for fun, not as part of Fug Madness.

As for partywear: Cara wore a Tom Ford that we’re about to see in another form on Rihanna.

That even ONE person would wear nip sequins is bad enough. That Cara did it after Rihanna did, meaning she loses out on aesthetics AND on shock value, might be the bigger crime of the two. Kristen did at least manage to resist the allure of the areola:

But I’m not sure a dress made to look like backward leather skirt-overalls is that much better, in a global sense. I mean… it IS, but it’s also still pretty fugtastic. If we’re going full coverage, too, I also disliked what is essentially a sparkly Chanel tracksuit:

And it is styled with NO personality, except for her hair, which was for a role and therefore by accident. Don’t get up in arms, K.Stew fans; she’s put stuff together this year that I’ve loved, and she seems a LOT happier now that she’s doing other things besides an endless string of Bella Swan Looks Vexed. (She was fantastic in Still Alice.) But if you’re going this route, and you’re going to be standing next to Juliette Binoche — and Chloe Grace Moretz, even, whose dress is also a piece of flair — then you need to figure out how NOT to make your sweatpants and tank top look like a curdled milkshake.

Here is the opposite of ALL of those three women:

It’s just the sort of grace and restraint we’ve come to expect from a girl who flipped off the paparazi while wearing a zipped up pizza onesie. Strangely, I might prefer the pizza onesie. At least pizza is a delicious memory.

Full marks to Kristen for selling this with a huge smile, even though she and probably everyone else in the room was thinking, “Man, if that were a mini, we’d be applauding.” Well, someone in the room was probably thinking, “I wonder if there will be passed apps.”

Ugh. Put your tongue away. The last thing you want to look like is refried Miley Cyrus, and unfortunately, Cara, you’re succeeding at THAT on ALL counts here.

Anyway, please take a tour of their Year In Fug via their archive links — for Cara, and for Kristen – and then do us the great honor of sending the worst of them through to the next round, where she will try and take out the winner of the next battle royale.

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1. RIHANNA vs. 16. JORDIN SPARKS

Jordin had a quiet year.

For example, this white dress isn’t EGREGIOUS, although it does look a bit like a stretched-out hoodie. It’s not great. But it’s not a catastrophe.

This would have been cuter as a dress, or a swimsuit, or anything that didn’t involve unfriendly pants with a matching bra. But would it have gotten her nominated on its own? Probably not.

AND THEN.

All hell broke loose.

How does that make you feel, Rihanna?

Understandable. That last dress of Jordin’s is a pox on humanity. But you ARE wearing bat ears, so have a little faith in yourself.

No no, don’t walk away. I know you can do this. You are RIHANNA. Your archive of eligible outfits runs five or six pages deep, and is so questionable that the punctuation mark itself feels fatigue.

See? I knew you could make a strong case for yourself. You always do. Even when you’re wearing something that enthralled a lot of people, like the coral parade float you rode to the Grammys, you’re simultaneously shoring up your campaign. As did with this sequined formal robe, or the time you wore a giant tux jacket with only the most perfunctory of panties, so that we all ended up staring into places we never meant to look. (You LOVE doing that, Riri — remember the time you wore ONLY a raincoat to a fashion show?) And this! Pure ’80s video vixen.

There is so much more.

And yet… with more comes less:

SO MUCH LESS. Less taste, less upside, less… just less.

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4. ROSE MCGOWAN vs. 13. SOPHIA BUSH

Sophia here got herself on a hit show, Chicago P.D., in which she plays a cop with the same convincing air which Rachel Bilson employed to play a doctor on Hart of Dixie. And she must have gone on a spending spree to change stylists, because her wardrobe swerved straight into Fug Madness’s lane.

Not only is this ugly, but there is nothing more OBVIOUS than showing up looking like this to a Maxim party. Have the courage not to play so directly to your hosts, kid.

No such excuse here:

It’s a nice try with the shoes, but that might be TOO creative (I know, I know, we’re never happy), and the dress is essentially long Spanx with lace. Y’all, Brooke Davis would side-eye the HELL out of that.

Some of that laser-cut detailing is very pretty and precise. In another context. (Big ups for the lipstick, though, and the necklace. THEY are doing a bang-up job.)

That is a great color that does NOT fit and risks sending the melons spilling out into the supermarket. Arrrrgh, HOIK IT. H-HOIK IT REAL GOOD (where are Salt n’ Pepa when you need them?).

So, Sophia got sucked into a vortex of bad trends and poor fit. It’s a sad tale, one as old as time. But can she compare with a full-on tornado of crazy?

I only just even noticed that it’s SHEER on the side where the blazer lives. Because what this sartorial Two-Face really needed was one more ride in the Batshitmobile. I am even starting to feel like someone in an old Batman episode, where we get the cards that say BOOM! and BAM! and OUCH! and then suddenly everyone is lying in a dazed pile. Observe:

ZAP!

POW!

ZOWIE!

And now is the bit where we’re all lying around trying to nurse our injuries, unsure exactly what happened and why, but pretty sure we’ll never be totally whole again.

Visit Rose’s and Sophia’s archives if you need them, but otherwise, just follow your gut.

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5. GWYNETH PALTROW vs. 12. JULIANNE HOUGH

Let’s not mince words: This is so fugly that it’s an insult to fugly things.

It is a Zimmermann, so the same designer as Kate’s white eyelet dress that Fug Nation went nuts for during the Australia tour. How this demented piece of torture came from the same mind as that ladylike summer frock… I’ve been at this ten years now and it won’t ever make sense.

But can Julianne string together a strong enough campaign to scrape GOOP off the wall? Yeah, that was a terrible piece of wordplay. Sorry. But in a convenient transition, this is a terrible outfit:

The front of this feels irrelevant to me, because the back will give you both the gist AND the willies:

 

And this dress is basically the opposite of that:

It’s shapeless, it’s crinkled, it’s trying to milk her right breast, and it MIGHT have been pilfered from her hotel room, where it was last seen with hospital corners.

 

I don’t even know. She has the strangest taste.

No no, Gwyneth, don’t tiptoe in here gingerly. Really COMMAND the room. ENTER the HELL out of it.

Much better. Welcome to the party, GOOP. May I invite you to explain this?

That is at least one size too small for the body you have turned into a freaking industry. And I don’t THINK you remembered to do anything to your head. Fortunately, on balance, that’s going to work out better for you than, say, for me. But you’re at an awards show. As a PRESENTER. And it’s not the Salted Gym Scalp Awards.

She also fertilized only one of her shoulders at the Oscars…

… wore something that looks AWFULLY like visible granny panties…

That face says, “I know. They sent this over and I didn’t even look in the bag until I was already five minutes late. Please just enjoy the shoes and I’ll see you next time.”

More where these came from: Gwyneth, Julianne

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