Dear Naomi Watts,

You appear to be using the double the allotted amount of ruching approved for this night’s event. Please either change your dress entirely, tailor it immediately so that your mid-section ruching expanse is halved, or, failing those two options, grow three feet. We appreciate your Sexy 40s Luau Hostess theme and have no desire to fundamentally alter it, but we are sure that if you examine your torso, you too will see that Something Weird Has Gone Awry: that is the outgrowth of the misuse of your Ruching Allowance. This, Miss Watts, is why we have regulations.

It’s awkward.

Best Wishes,

The Society for the Protection of Unusual Seaming Techniques (SPUST), Charter 677.

[Photo: Getty]