So, full confession: I not only had no idea that Ciara still makes music, but I couldn’t even have named “Goodies” — arguably her biggest hit — without the help of the cover line because I forgot it existed. (Now, of course, I can sing the refrain from memory, but ONLY the refrain.) It turns out she has made SIX albums and has her seventh coming out in a minute, which the cover line references, as her single from this summer is called “Level Up.” I feel a weird amount of guilt that I thought she mostly just went to events, because it turns out she’s working her heart out and touring and I just had no idea. Sorry, Ciara. The good news for her is, this is among the better Cosmo covers. Looking at our archive, it seems like they are less relentlessly smiley than they used to be, and Ciara does strong-and-vaguely-skeptical-of-your-bullshit very well. Perhaps the direction was, “Imagine that they are sticking this photo on the cover with a REALLY dumb synonym for ‘vagina.'” Her hair looks great, and because I apparently know so little about her, I might actually pick it up to see what it can tell me.
However, I do not need to read about the four sexy ways to wear a sweater, because if the answers are not “with your head through the neckhole and arms through the sleeves” or “around your shoulders like you are a Gossip Girl prepster” or “around your waist because there is a hole in your yoga pants,” then I am not sure I want to know. There should be a finite number of ways to wear sweaters and I do not trust Cosmo not to try and convince people that it’s really hot to wear one as pants. I also don’t want to read about the Fast Love couples, because a) Nick and Priyanka could end up married for ten years and I would STILL find them unconvincing, b) Hailey and Justin concern me, because he seems like a complete mess and that is a terrible time to marry someone on the quick, and c) we all saw what happened to Ariana and Pete since this issue was made. Between that and knowing EXACTLY why you get hangxiety after a bender, I’m gonna skip to the Ciara bits and then leave it with my dentist or something.