BREAKING NEWS: There’s been a change in the sex position rankings. It’s been too long since we’ve heard of any swapping here, so I assume they’d been thrust into some kind of kama sutra tyranny, with the banging equivalent of Alabama straddling the top spot until an upstart came and got it off. What will it be? And who votes? Is there a Coaches Poll of sex? The Associated Booty Press? Or just, like, Charlie Sheen over email one afternoon?

Anyway, that aside: Xtina is back. And she looks … you know, okay with it, I guess, as if perhaps she pumped out an album because she had nothing better to do. The light makeup look is good on her — following the supposedly bare-facedĀ Paper cover, and in anticipation of what she says is anĀ au naturel album cover — and the dramatic suit works. But she just never seems totally awake, does she? This is the face someone wears when you are boring the ever-living bejeesus out of them, and they are trying and not entirely succeeding to get through lunch without rolling her eyes. In The Royal We, our main character referred to this type of mask as Aggressive Pleasantness, and Christina’s is akin to that except with a shade less amiability.

She’s even wearing it here:

Cosmopolitan-Oct-18-Christina-Aguilera-1535507821

“Hey yo can I get some help over here? The wind machine is blowing off my duvet coat.”

[Photo and story: Cosmo]