Cardi B cracks me up. Something about her facial expression in photos really reads like she’s thinking, “The f*ck?!? Oooookay, if this is what you want and you’re paying me, but this seems SUPER LAME.” This is no exception. And it might not be how she feels; I have Resting Bitchface, and she might have Resting Skeptic Face. It’s a thing. But it also makes for a hilariously doubtful cover in a way that Cosmo cannot have intended.

However, Cardi B is right to be concerned. Her outfit is pretty standard Cosmo nonsense, but I’m DEEPLY WORRIED that some ladies out there are going to end up with singed vaginas after they try what may well be literal heating-up-sex moves. “Warm Toys For Your Hot Spots” sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. And psst, Cosmo, sweet pea, if your Fire Starter move was famous, we would all know it already, and we wouldn’t be sitting around concerned that it might involve pubic arson.

Her interview sounds like it was a quote-happy thrill ride. Among the excerpts:

On her pole-dancing days and respecting strippers: “People say, ‘Why do you always got to say that you used to be a stripper? We get it.’ Because y’all don’t respect me because of it, and y’all going to respect these strippers from now on … Just because somebody was a stripper don’t mean they don’t have no brain.” 

On her decision to stay with fiancé, Offset, after allegations of cheating: “It’s like everybody is coming down my neck like, ‘Why are you not leaving him? You have low self-esteem.’ I don’t have low self-esteem … I know I look good. I know I’m rich, I know I’m talented. I know I could get any man I want—any basketball player, football player. But I want to work out my shit with my man, and I don’t got to explain why. I’m not your property. This is my life … I’m going to take my time, and I’m going to decide on my decision … It’s not right, what he fucking did — but people don’t know what I did, ’cause I ain’t no angel.”

[Photos: Cosmo]

Tags: Cosmo, Cardi B