I often love the titles of the albums our various image providers use, but today’s is one of my all-time favorites for how simple and honest it is: “Hollyoaks films the horrendously tacky wedding of Cindy to a wealthy older man.” So of course I had to take a look, right? I mean, Jessica’s out of town this week, so it’s just me and Intern George kicking around GFY HQ, and most celebrities aren’t going anywhere, so we’re getting pictures from all sides labeled things like, “EXCLUSIVE: Guest Actor From An Episode Of Psych Goes To The Grove.” I think we’re entitled to take a peek at the deliciously tacky shenanigans on British soaps we can only imagine because we won’t get to watch. Right? Right.

First up: The bride.

Hollyoaks films the horrendously tacky wedding of Cindy to a wealthy older man.

[Photo: Splash News]

Now, the actress is pregnant in real life but not on the show, which might explain the fact that she appears to be wearing uncut fabric. I wouldn’t say that comes off as tacky, so much as depressing for the character, who by most summaries appears to be an unrepentant gold-digger whose appetite for cash and scheming even her brother’s death could not sate. That woman would, I think, prefer that her pregnant portrayer wear a giant red dress and a hat (a la Lucy Coe on General Hospital, back when the Quartermaines were rightly king, before Jack Wagner sculpted himself into having a lady-face, and the show was not exclusively about the mob and artists whose canvases are murder) and then stand behind a giant potted plant, tackily put there by the tacky people planning her tacky wedding. But what do I know? Maybe a satin bag is just as fun.
At least the bridesmaids got to fug it up:

Hollyoaks films the horrendously tacky wedding of Cindy to a wealthy older man.

Now THAT is more like it. These are classic Ugly Bridesmaid dresses, the kind of thing where you are afraid to wear them outside in case people try to direct you to the All-England Lawn Croquet Club’s Heinous Curtains Garden Jamboree, or to a nearby touring production’s rehearsal of Little Mary Sunshine
Hollyoaks films the horrendously tacky wedding of Cindy to a wealthy older man.
I don’t know who this woman is, but I do know that she should tread carefully: It’s one of the oldest etiquette rules in the book to match your floral leggings to the wedding’s floral theme, and hell hath no fury like a bride whose bouquet is upstaged by spandex.