I was, as they say, today years old when I learned that Ariana DeBose is in Kraven: The Hunter. I was also today years old when I learned that a) it’s not KRAKEN, which is how I kept misreading it, and b) Kraven: The Hunter is not, in fact, some cult classic video game that someone dredged up on the cheap and shot in Bulgaria; rather, Kraven is a Marvel character, and this is a whole-ass movie with a $130 million budget that’s part of Sony’s Spider Man Universe, which includes the Venom movies, and Morbius, and Madame Web. Congratulations AND possibly condolences to Dakota Johnson for the fact that the execrable Madame Web did not kill the entire thing. Aaron Taylor-Johnson plays Kraken: Mind Hunter or whatever, which means he’s appeared in both the Disney AND the Sony Marvel movies and that ought to mean a multiverse is folding in on itself, no?
Anyway, does anyone care that this is coming out? I can’t tell, but I am the most casual of consumers. I only watched Madame Web so I could confirm for Drinks With Broads whether it stank (it did) and I haven’t watched any other comic-book movie since Avengers: Endgame. Maybe the Internet is cravin’ the Kraven. I do not know. What I can say is that since Ariana DeBose won her Oscar, Schmigadoon! is the only project I can think of that was worthy of everything she can do. Maybe she is getting bored, and decided to dress up as a human fishnet stocking just to shake it up a little. Perhaps she wants to be Velma Kelly for a while. Maybe she’s hoping no one will recognize her, and will remain none the wiser that she’s in Criss Kraven: Mindfreak. Whoops. If so, I blew up her spot. If only I could blow some Carolina Herrera in her direction too.
