Please meet 2015’s Sexiest Man Alive, per People magazine, a perennially favorite Afternoon Man, one Mr David Beckham:
I think this is a totally legit call. For one thing, as regular readers know, I think Becks is hot like fire and I truly do love him. I find him for real sexy. His nickname, for pete’s sake, is Golden Balls. But for another, as I am sure Lainey will discuss at length today, Sexiest Man Alive is something that is, naturally, designed to play to the People demographic — of which I am a committed part, trust me. I love me some People magazine. I used to talk myself into going to the orthodontist only because I knew I would be able to catch up there — so it’s never going to go to someone slightly off-kilter, or Internet Sexy, like, I dunno, Tom Hiddleston (DON’T GET MAD AT ME YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I LIKE HIM TOO CALM DOWN #NODISRESPECTTOHIDDLES). Twitter reaction last night seemed to be mostly positive — for who can really deny the power of Becks? THE MAN NAVIGATED A SPEEDBOAT CARRYING THE OLYMPIC FLAME! He is so cute with his kids! HE’S DELICIOUSLY MUSCULAR! He’s their first athlete ever! — with the only real complaint that I saw being that this seemed like a rather dated choice. Which I can understand, but also to which I personally kinda shrug. It’s People. They’re not on the cutting edge of sexy dudes. They’re not supposed to be; it’s not their brand. If you picked up People and they were telling you that you needed to get all worked up over, like, the muscular Swedish drummer, pierced nipple enthusiast/pansexual performance artist Sven Pantsworth-Spelevink,* you’d think they’d lost their collective minds. Me, I think Becks is absolutely sexy, he definitely seems to be a man, and, last I checked, he IS alive — AND PLEASE REMAIN SO FOR A LONG TIME, SIR — and ergo, this choice sits totally correctly on my heart. And also in my pants.
I would like to know what he’s doing with his tee-shirt, though. David, you’re going to stretch out the neck like that.
*Not a real person. As far as I know.