You The Jury: Jessica Biel


Jessica Biel is seriously making the rounds — I know she has the A-Team movie coming out, but by the time that premiere even happens, she’ll be a zombie. Although I guess she did just climb Kilamanjaro, so it’s possible that compared with scaling a massive chilly peak, showing up in a bunch of dresses with her hair done just-so is not a problem. It may have impacted her  judgment, though. Please come on down and get all evidenciary with me.

Exhibit A:

[Photo: WENN.com]

The prosecution suggests that this looks like a nicotine-stained caftan; the defense announces that it’s actually sort of striking and youthful. Aghast, the prosecutors express concern that the defense is unaware that the unofficial definition of “caftan” is, “garment worn by octagenarians as a swim cover-up, or cocktail-hour attire whenever the pool boy or a strapping plumber is finishing his duties.” The defense pauses for a moment, wiping tears of grief from its eyes and then choking that the prosecution is committing a crime against America by defiling the very garment cherished by many, if not all, of our fallen Golden Girls, and requests a moment of silence.

Exhibit B:

The prosecution expresses concern that Biel is wearing some kind of high-fashion multi-purpose apron, in which she can tuck beer bottles, gardening shears, and mason jars for pickling anything she yanks from her vegetable beds. The defense scoffs that the unexpectedness of the green ruffles with the blue tweed is precisely what makes this intriguing, and that the prosecution Just Doesn’t Get It. The prosecution pulls out a copy of Vogue and offers the defense the chance to go ahead and be literal and beat the jury over the head with it; the defense shrugs and admits that, fine, it can’t figure out why it doesn’t hate the outfit, but that the world is a more interesting place when we don’t all agree. The prosecution mimics playing violins until the judge bangs her gavel and demands that everyone behave or else be forced to watch Stealth.

Exhibit C:

The defense jumps up and points out that the skirt is very pretty and intricate, and that the scene in Stealth where — SPOILER — you realize that it’s actually a love story about mann and plane is actually really hilarious. The courtroom explodes with noise, as people turnt to each other and whisper in the melodramatic tones of people who are extras on TV acting terribly scandalized. the prosecution applauds the defense for the theatrics, but assures evereyone that no wild proclamations about a machine falling in man-love with Josh Lucas can distract us from the fact that there are bows on Biel’s armpits, and that the top is precisely the kind of Charlotte Russe business-casual that a 22-year old might try to wear to the office, or to a funeral. The defense is all, “But SPOILER the plane rears up and throws itself in the line of fire to save him!” and the judge has to call an end to the shenanigans before anybody gets drunk enough to pitch Stealth 2 to the Weinsteins.

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Comments (120):

  1. Elise
    0

    In that last picture, what the H is that around her ankes?!

  2. jean
    0

    My issues is with her generic hairstyle. She looks like Amanda Byrnes & Kristen Bell with that hair. But I guess generic is her brand. And although her clothes are clunky and ugly, they at least cover her.

  3. Rachel
    0

    Love ya, Blanche! Thanks for being a friend. Tell Bea and Estelle hi!

  4. Daniela
    0

    I actually quite like the first outfit (maybe I’m crazy.) And I think the third outfit would have looked better if those two pieces were paired with other things, as opposed to being paired together.

  5. Robin
    0

    Is she wearing granny trouser socks with the third outfit? Maybe she is susceptible to blisters?

  6. Anonymous
    0

    Looks like nude straps on black heels to me. Yuck.

  7. Crystal
    0

    She’s tired, not that talented, and seems to take herself way too seriously…hellooooo 20-something Miley!

  8. Janice Marie
    0

    She needs to stop listening to Justin (who obviously wants her to look ugly so no other guy will want her), and hire a stylist.

  9. Cecily
    0

    Wow, that’s a whole lot o’ wrong.

    P.S., I love the prosecutorial musings!

  10. corey
    0

    Everytime I see a picture of her with her hair down I think it’s Kelly Bensimon from Real Housewives NYC. Not a good comparison Biel – do something else!

  11. justme
    0

    wait, can we go back to that leopard-print caftan-thing? It looks like a beach coverup I used to have after it got ruined when I washed it with bleach, and parts of it turned green. If I had known that I could still wear it as a dress, I wouldn’t have gotten rid of it. Then again, I believe Biel’s caftan might actually BE my old beach coverup! Oh Jessica, have you really resorted to buying clothes from goodwill? Granted, you can be sure no one will show up wearing the same outfit, but at least have it altered, so it fits you first.

  12. Stefanie
    0

    She is one of those types that no matter how good she looks, I cant give her credit for her because she annoys me so badly.

    RIP Rue, Estelle, & Bea. You girls will always be my friends and for that I thank you.

  13. Rayna
    0

    Thank you for the shout out to the awesome Golden Girls. Those ladies were talent, class and style personified. Forever in our hearts.

  14. Mel
    0

    I actually like the first one. It’s different and she looks hot.

    In the second one, I think I like the skirt, but the shirt is horrible. Something simpler would have looked better.

    In the third, the shirt is awful. And I’m pretty sure I hate the skirt.

  15. Daryl
    0

    what are those flesh colored things on her ankles?

  16. Kate
    0

    I actually adore the first outfit. It’s all butterfly-meets-florescent-giraffe with really fun shoes. Love it. Big win.

    The second outfit makes my head go all tilty. It kind of makes me wonder if her stylist is blind. I’m all for equality for the disabled, but maybe fashion is not the arena for the visually challenged. Just saying. Besides, it really creeps me out that I can’t tell what the black things on her skirt are. They look like black cats with glowing eyes a la Halloween novelty clothes.

    The last outfit is just fug. The top is terrible and cheap-looking and the nude underlay of the skirt makes me fear there is actually no lining and if JB moved I’d be treated to a view of her underpants. No matter how hot she is, I just don’t want to know about her undies. And I agree with the commenter that asked what the H is on her ankles?

  17. Anonymous
    0

    They’re not the nicest clothes, any of them, but at least she’s found a way to make herself look less snooze-inducingly boring.

  18. shayo
    0

    I like the black skirt! Its a pretty skirt! Y’all are just mean…

  19. Shae
    0

    I feel like the last outfit could be okay if the top and bottom proportions were switched. Less top and more bottom (hey, it’s like and ad for J-Lo!), the skirt looks like it would be pretty, but she’s covering it all up with that gargantuan top.

  20. Anonymous
    0

    See! She agrees with me! Lol…

  21. silverin
    0

    I’m in love with the first dress. Too bad her hair and shoes spoil the effect.

  22. Jen
    0

    I’m too distracted by the ankle things to figure out the rest of it. I like the skirt tho.

  23. Erika
    0

    That first thing looks like she went big-game hunting in Africa, and decided to wear her catch.

  24. Becca
    0

    I actually really like the black top in the third one. It fits beautifully and I think the bows make it cute and interesting. I don’t think it works with the skirt tho.

  25. vandalfan
    0

    The only thing I remotely like is the green ruffly blouse in #2. The third skirt would be inerersting if it was not nude underneath the black embroidered detail, but some jewel color, or white, or anything else. She should throw all those shoes way into the back of her closet and try again with the footwear.

  26. Janellionaire
    0

    I propose that we call the fake cankle thingies she is wearing “Fankles.” Or maybe “Can’t Believe it’s Not Cankles!” I figure there is a big market for this sort of product, judging by the amount of evidence of celebrities with perfectly nice ankles trying to make them blend in with their upper thighs.

  27. TheOtherJennifer
    0

    I just don’t understand how someone so beautiful with a rockin bod dresses like some tween mall rat trying out for a Ratt video

  28. Katharine
    0

    I think the first outfit actually looks horrible because it’s fighting so hard with the backdrop. On its own, in a neutral setting, I think the verdict would be far more favourable.

    The rest? Not edgy enough to be interesting, not classic enough to be tasteful – wandering somewhere in the grey area where she does look like a receptionist whose party wardrobe bleeds into her officewear. Fail.

  29. Katie
    0

    The arguments in Exhibit B are the funniest I’ve read in a while. Awesome! And thank you for the Stealth spoilers, so I never accidentally watch it.

  30. Michelle
    0

    She just cannot dress. She rarely gets it right. Usually she is a mess or just plain boring. Yawn….

  31. Fuh Ugh
    0

    OK, so what if she swapped out the tops and bottoms for the last two outfits? Black bow top with blue & black skirt? Green ruffled silky thing with transparent lace skirt? Still not an A for either outfit, but surely those would be improvements.

  32. carrieparker
    0

    Meh.
    Boring, boring, boring.

  33. Brooke
    0

    I was hoping someone would have some insight as to what the heck the fleshy-colored things around her ankles are on the last picture..? Anyone? That’s the part of that outfit which disturbs me the most. Otherwise, it’s just a slightly boring, disjointed outfit. Any ideas? Maybe she’s wearing slightly baggy, nude ankle hose?

  34. The Moonay
    0

    Dear Jessica Biel,

    Please burn your stylist at the stake.

    Also, have a sandwich.

    Horrified,

    The rest of the world

  35. SUSAN
    0

    I’m gonna be honest. I voted her guilty mostly because I hate her.

  36. Lina
    0

    She doesn’t look the slightest bit comfortable in her skin. She looks like an insane stylist handed her a rack of increasingly atrocious outfits to choose from and then did her hair all ‘faux innocent’ to make her look weirdly like Bambi.

    I like her — full stop (I do actually have an inexplicable fondness for her) — styling better with her hair in a ponytail and her dressed for rock climbing, motorcycle riding, or anything otherwise athletic. Girl is beautiful, but she looks so odd in fripperies like the pics above. She has the body to kick ass hardcore! Whoever is styling her to ‘soften her up’ is seriously misguided and really ought to be playing to her strengths.

  37. jennifer
    0

    THIS CHICK HAS NO PERSONAL STYLE

  38. free PR release
    0

    Forget the dresses, caftans, skirts, tops, whatever you want to call them. I want to know what is up with the shoes. Did the stores run out of cute ones?

  39. who really cares
    0

    Can I marry you Jessica?

  40. Sajorina
    0

    I like Jessica Biel, I don’t think she’s boring and I didn’t hate “Stealth”.

    Outfit #1: I like the shoes, but she looks like Lisa Gastineau!

    Outfit #2: Love it!

    Outfit #3: I love the skirt, but what is up with those shoes???

  41. Maggie
    0

    I really think the “Caftan” outfit is so bad because it clashes so horribly with the backdrop.

  42. Lizzie
    0

    She’s SUCH a pretty girl, and her clothes were looking so fabulous awhile back. What has happened since then?

  43. bilijin
    0

    this kind of makes me mad. i do not have her face or her body. if i did, i would NOT abuse it in this way.

  44. Maria
    0

    I feel like I’ve written this comment recently.

    I like Jessica Biel, way more than most of you guys. I don’t think I’ve actually seen her in anything since 7th Heaven reruns in 2002 but I think she’s pretty and I love her athleticism and didn’t she recently endorse some kind of clean water cause? Cause seriously – we need that these days.

    However. These outfits are awful. Caftan – awful (though I agree with those who say the backdrop is making it worse). Completely mismatched ruffly shiny shirt and weird tweedy skirt – horrible. Sheer black skirt and be-bowed top – well, it’s the best of the lot but that skirt is scaring me with its see-throughiness (even if it’s faux see-throughiness), the top looks like the lovechild of Talbot’s and Fashion Bug, and the shoes. The nude ankle straps on the shoes. Is she showing solidarity with Lindsay Lohan? Making fun of her? Doing some kind of weird Lindsay Lohan-related performance art?

    Jessica. Get a new stylist. You are much better than this.

  45. JESR
    0

    I am compelled to say that the fabric in that first dress looks JUST LIKE G’kar’s forehead.

    So are we going for textile design inspired by SF television now?

  46. will-smith-but-not-that-guy
    0

    If fashion merchandisers are paying her tons of cash to wear this stuff, good for her. Otherwise — WHO IS DRESSING THIS WOMAN?

  47. Josie
    0

    Biel bores me, but I’m impelled to repeat the best line of the day.
    Law & Order: Trampsylvania !!!!!
    I know it is from Lily, but I chuckled about it all the way through Biel.

  48. Johanna
    0

    I love the color combination in the second outfit. Maybe the execution is a little skewed but that Green really makes her and Scarlett’s complexions smashing.

  49. sema4
    0

    All been said really, but I do want to say how funny the Fankles coments are. Also, and I know it doesn’t belong here, sorry , but didn’t anyone else wonder why Cheryl Coles feet sort of gleamed, like she was wearing shiny tights, only just on the ankle/top-of-foot area?

  50. Etiana
    0

    zzzzzzzzzzzz….. it’s like she’s even failing at being truly fugly.

  51. Acai Max Cleanse
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    Her personality is as such that everything suits her personality. She is charming enough to arrest the attention of its fans in any dress.

  52. Chandni
    0

    Prosthetic feet man!

  53. Sue R
    0

    HOW has no one noticed the rogue pinky toe in photo 2?!?!?

    I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

  54. silameril
    0

    Yay for the Golden Girls. Boo for making me want to watch “Stealth.” Er…Jessica Biel is so lovely that she can wear whatever she likes and it will never do anything to negatively impact her preternatural good-looking-ness.

  55. KPod
    0

    In the last photo, it appears that her flesh-colored stockings have sagged into pools around her ankles.

  56. International fug
    0

    Would like to see Angelina Jolie in the caftan-with-color!
    Seriously, I think “clunky” is the best description of these…sure, JB’s slim and fit, but she still isn’t petite. Girl has got some footballers’ shoulders and she needs to do a better job of running with that. I feel like her silhouette is awkward.

  57. Anon
    0

    She can’t act and she looks like a horse. Why doesn’t she just go away?

  58. Warwick
    0

    This is the trend that says:

    “When being photographed, appear to have a physical deformity of the lower limbs especially feet and knees. Ensure that the spine appears deformed, twisted and the general effect is lopsided.”

    This Jessica person is bound to be a major star, she does the whole trend and looks pained at the same time.

  59. Natalie
    0

    I too noticed the pinky toe in the second photo. Awful! Wouldn’t that bother you to walk around with your pinky toe sticking out of your shoe? *Shudder*

  60. Locksmith Melbourne
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    That pinky toe in the second photo is pretty gross.. You’d think with all that money she would be able to buy some fashion sense lol

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