You The Jury: Carrie Underwood at the CMAs

Ah, the CMA Awards — technically it stands for Country Music Association, but we know it as Carrie Makes Apantloadofwardrobechanges, because La Underwood hosts the telecast and routinely swaps dresses at least six times. In the past we’ve put her on mock trial for this glut of fashion, and this year will be no different. All rise: You are in the court of the great nation of Fug, with our guest judge the Honorable Bai Ling presiding. Let’s get this party started.

Exhibit A:
The prosecution would like to know just how many Party City stores Carrie had to raid in order to complete this dress; the defense IMMEDIATELY and vociferously objects until it’s clear that I just typed the word “Party” and not “Panty,” because Panty City is a completely different place altogether. Judge Bai announces that she once bought a condo in Panty City but left it because it didn’t have a helipad. The prosecution is momentarily flummoxed by this, so the defense jumps into say that the gown is kind of cool and ornate in a flattering, fun-to-ponder way, and that the only demerit would be that the bottom half doesn’t rip off to create a nifty cocktail dress. The prosecution recovers and points out that, YES, that is a demerit, because that would be hilarious, especially if said skirt then doubled as a cape. The defense is all, WHO ARE YOU, and Judge Bai suggests that we move on because cape rhymes with Snape and Snape doesn’t wash his hair. Everyone is pleased to leave that strange moment behind.
Exhibit B:

After much whispering, the prosecution decides to open with, “How many Party City stores did she have to raid…” and the defense objects AGAIN, because that is so BORING, and also, clearly the answer is only one. The prosecution wonders if this is a dress or an apocalyptic warning portending a plague of weaveable back hair, and the defense argues that it’s just a super handy sleeve because you could use it to hang the dress in hilarious places. The defense further notes that Brad Paisley appears to find it dreamy to behold, and so we should all follow his example. The prosecution makes a mental note to add something to the Paisley/Williams-Paisley pre-nup retroactively (and sneakily) that allows him free rein to gaze into ANY middle distance, even when said middle distance is full of boobs. Judge Bai squeals that boobs are like cheetahs, but different. Awkward.

Exhibit C:
The prosecution starts singing “Greased Lightning,” and the defense is all, “Yeah, we’ve got nothing, she looks like she just went golfing on the Starship Enterprise.” Everyone high-fives and calls for a margarita break. Judge Bai refuses, mumbling something about a misunderstanding about Margaritaville and an all-you-can-eat Buffett and a bag of Funyuns. The bailiff is all, DUDE, ME TOO. Silence.

Exhibit D:
Feigning tears, the prosecution laments that it would love a cup of coffee, but alas, all our nation’s coffee filters have been misappropriated. The defense declares that the prosecution should suck it up and deal, because this is very pretty, and Judge Bai interrupts to declare that it’s not polite to tell anybody to suck it up unless that person is the dancing elephant who lives in your ear.

Exhibit E:
Dreamily the defense heaves a sigh and waxes rhapsodic about autumn foliage and romantic walks and fresh squeezed orange juice, at which point the prosecution snorts that it doesn’t care for pulp. Judge Bai sits up straight and threatens to put the prosecution in contempt, because everybody knows that pulp is fiction.

Exhibit F:

The defense calls this an a flotilla of romance and a veritable iceberg of roses, and the prosecution chortles, YES, AND IT WILL SINK YOUR CASE LIKE THE TITANIC, and then laughs and laughs and laughs. Judge Bai rebukes the prosecution for laughing about something that killed Leonardo DiCaprio. The prosecution leaps into the ensuing abyss by congratulating Carrie on being so widely talented that she can dance The Nutcracker and host the CMAs all in one night. The defense wonders if Brad Paisley, by the way he’s clutching that thing, thought The Nutcracker meant something else entirely. 

Exhibit G:
The defense bursts into spontaneous applause. The prosecution tries to come up with a remark about hotel linens and a folding accident, but ultimately can’t form a coherent thought except to suggest that Carrie should have put on a wig if she couldn’t finish her updo. Judge Bai wonders softly to the bailiff if this is available in hot pants.

Exhibit H:
The defense attempts the applause gambit again, but the prosecution is ready this time and wonders where Rhett Butler went. Snorting, the defense suggests the prosecution secretly is very attracted to the Go Big Or Go Home concept of this gown, and the prosecution retorts that it looks like she’s a walking munchkin theater, raising the clumsily made curtain for their performance of Tornado: A Love Story. The defense boos. Judge Bai reminisces about the time a tornado once made her breakfast. Both sides immediately rest their cases, and Judge Bai sends the jury out for deliberations, with the careful instructions that only ONE person within each juror can vote. 

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Comments (47):

  1. JIll

    I’ve been looking forward to this one! Love it!

    I enjoyed the coffee filter dress and the last ball gown, even if it was a bit to formal for the event. She really needs to pay someone to pick out her clothes because she’s not even uber trendy fug- it’s all bridesmaid and cocktail dresses gone wrong.

  2. Francesca

    Is it just me or is the first outfit an ode in the form of evening wear to Oscar the Grouch.

    The capri pants are also inexcusable.

  3. geemee

    Too. Many. Dresses.

  4. Janice Second

    Jesus Christ she changed NINE (9) times?

  5. Janice Marie

    I cannot STAND her and it pains me to say anything nice about her, so half this post physically hurts. She can basically pull of anything, but her body does work better in cocktail style dresses. She is simply too petite for the longer styles. Here is my two cents worth(plus, I’m home sick from work – I have nothing better to do):
    A: Chop off the bottom and it would be perfection
    B: the shoes make everything better. Barely
    C: um, no
    D: LOVE the color. That’s about it
    E: yuk, and too summery
    F: WTF???
    G: love, love, love it. However, anyone with boobs bigger than a small B cannot pull it off
    H: As with every ballgown she attempts, the dress is wearing her. Note to her stylist: SHE. IS. PETITE.

    I’m off to nap now.

  6. Neil

    The orange dress made me think of Endora from ‘Bewitched’.

    Some strange choices there, but it seems she has a pickup-full of personality to go with her looks, so two thumbs up for that.

  7. The Other Molly

    Country singers suffer from the white trash label too often.
    Carrie doesn’t need to encourage this by wearing such garish clothing.
    Capri pants should be outlawed.
    They are the dumbest looking things.

  8. currygirl

    Yay! I missed “You, the Jury”! The coffee filter dress (a la Project Runway) is very pretty and so is her red carpet dress. Judge Bai rules!

  9. Antof9

    I’m most disturbed by the shapeless marigold dress. It’s like she might be pregnant in the middle of the ceremony, or perhaps snarf down too many Cheetos at intermission, and didn’t want anything too snug that might show an errant Cheeto. Of course it has the added advantage that she can just wipe her hands on the dress and no one would be the wiser. I can live with everything else. I think.

  10. M.Amanda

    I think I once had a Barbie doll whose dress transformed from ball gown to cocktail dress by removing the bottom half of the skirt, which she could wear as a cape. It was much prettier than Carrie’s first dress.

    Carrie is pretty enough to pull off most of these looks, but they all just miss being WOW.

  11. Verodemort

    Carrie Underwood is so beautiful but she ALWAYS messes it up dress wise! Why?!? WHY?!!? THE HUMANITY!! Also, ‘You, the Jury’ is my fave! L o v e <3

  12. Stefanie

    The first one looks like a feather duster.

    And I LOVE LOVE the yellow one. I can just see myself floating around the house in it, cocktail in my hand, yelling at my pool boy.

  13. Pam

    My first thought upon seeing the very first dress was that she looked like those old dolls with the crocheted dresses my grandmother used to cover her spare roll of toilet paper with. I do love the long yellow one though… I would steal that one.

  14. Andrew S.

    MORE you the jury por favor!!!!

    But clearly, the winner was Judge Bai Ling, Duh ;D

  15. Anonymous

    She looks uncaracteristically creepy-faced to me. Did she do something to her face or teeth? Is it the flesh-toned lipstick? She reminds me of a momma grizzly.

  16. lak

    Uuummm overall am reminded of a toilet many rolls of charmin can she fit under some of those outfits???!!!

  17. Bitts

    I LOVE that last one. For serious. That dress is 400 different kinds of gorgeous, and I am not even drunk. LOVE. IT. HARD.

  18. Rayna

    The coffee filter rosette dress is pretty.

    The seafoam green folded thing is intriguing. It appeals to my secret origami obsession.

    The last one is kind of Barbie Hosts an Awards Show, but gosh, you have to give it to her, it’s splendid.

    Not familiar with her or her work, so my judgement is untainted by personal like or dislike.

  19. coexxi

    I don’t like most dresses. But the last one is prettyyyyy. The first one could be nicer if it wasn’t so shiney.

  20. sandy

    OMG, Brad changed too! Not that anyone would notice with Miss “27 Dresses” next to him.

    Nine dresses is crazy. Shouldn’t it be about the music and the performers? I could see one outfit when she comes out, another when she performs, and something else after that. But NINE?

  21. witjunkie

    I guess I’m the only one who liked the tutu with the red roses…not to wear, mind you, but just to sigh and look at.

    OK, I would wear it and dance to Tchaikovsky when no one was home, like I did when I was little.

  22. marcia

    I liked the roses dress too.

  23. Lassie

    Loved loved loved all the big foofy poufy ones, the purple ball gown was dazzling, and the rose tutu adorable. They look like Barbie doll dresses, don’t they? And what’s so wrong with that?

    The only one I really didn’t like was the long orange and white thing, with her hair long. It was dated and frumpy. She looked like a Lawrence Welk singer about 1972, about to burst out with “I’m In Love With A Wonderful Guy” during a Salute to Show Tunes.

  24. Susan

    I must confess I also love the red rose tutu, it’s sort of The Tudors meets Swan Lake. And the purple ball gown is gorgeous. My life doesn’t actually require ball gowns but if it did……..

  25. Anonymous

    This courtroom banter is some of the funniest sh*t you guys do – love it!

  26. Anonymous

    This courtroom banter is some of the funniest sh*t you guys do – love it!

  27. vandalfan

    I don’t care for any of the dresses, even (especially?) the green upholstery fabric origami. But I had no idea Brad Paisley was so cute.

  28. Kris

    Stepping on the greens in her designer jeans
    She’s a disco miniature golfing queen
    Wearing plenty of sequins she can make a scene
    She’s a disco miniature golfing queen
    Like a picture from a disco golf magazine
    With her putter she’s a hole in one machine
    She can dance and sing and really shake her thing
    She’s a disco miniature golfing queen
    She’s a disco miniature golfing queen

  29. will-smith-but-not-that-guy

    What IS Carrie Underwood? That she has the head of a Fox News Weather Reporter, there is no doubt. That she has the voice of the most perfect Karaoke singer in the smallest town in Texas, there is no doubt. That she can get all misty eyed about “the sacrifices of our Troops all over the world” (because to be specific about a conflict would require her to look at an Atlas, and that we would never be so cruel as to expect), there is no doubt. BUT — from the neck down? WHAT is she? Is she a Safeway cake model, that can’t decide whether to demonstrate the cake or the little holiday statuettes on top? Does she go to alot of weird weddings, and just wear her bridesmaid dresses? Is she the chief witch of a coven made up of Project Runway losers who all need an excuse to do meth together? Please, someone, tell me — what IS Carrie Underwood?

  30. whiterabbit11

    when i saw the first dress, my first thought was ‘oh honey you are NOT reese witherspoon’. then that thought repeated itself 8 times.

    if carrie’s aim was to look like a cut-price reese, she succeeded admirably. it may simply have been better to have 1/3 x number of dresses with 3 x amount of attention paid to styling.

  31. quinn

    why are the soul train awards so glossed over in one post (“I know the CMA Awards were last night, and we’ll get to that…”) and the CMAs get so much coverage? there was a whole lot of good and bad on the soul train red carpet, and it seems a little unbalanced to present 5 CMA looks compared to 1 soul train look. i usually love the hell out of this site, but this surprised me in a bad way.

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  36. Cecilia

    I hate those all! :D
    H and F are terrrrrible.
    Others are just terrible wit one r. ;P

  37. christine christine

    I watched the CMA awards with my hubby and tried to explain how we were going to critically analyze Carrie’s outfits as we went. He was all, “who cares, she’s hot!” and I was all “yeah but just you wait” and he was all “whatever, I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for farting.” But by the time we got to the Nutcracker dress he was fully on board. Such fun! P.S. I heart Tim McGraw and his manly aloofness.

  38. mo pie

    I love everything except the orange juice business. I don’t know why I have such a soft spot for Carrie Underwood. I hated her on Idol and I know she’s a total beyotch, and yet. I find her somehow charming. And I love 90% of what she wears!

  39. Emily

    Wow. She’s far too pretty of a lady to be stuck in SO MANY bad, corny, frou frou dresses.

    But I have a major soft spot for her, so it’s more of a “Oh I feel so bad for you” fug and not a “WTF is wrong with you, chick?!” fug.

  40. CranAppleSnapple

    Underwood’s nose is a perfect triangle. Like the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.

    Bai Ling is like whimsy oxygen to we serenity-starved earthlings. I wish you had thrown in a handful of photos of her, in what she thinks a judge would wear. Pasties and spandex, I would guess.

  41. Not a fan

    Carrie Underwood is very very overrated and untalented. She is very average looking…she is boring ass white bread. Compare her so-called beauty to Natalie Portman for example…Emma Watson…Angelina. Country music sucks….I can’t even call that music…more like white trash mating calls. Her clothes are exactly what clueless country trash think is “fashionable.” Please let her 15 minutes be up like soon soon real soon.

  42. heatherw1981

    The green origami dress was awkward for her. You could tell that she wasn’t sure where to put her hands.

    And the purple monstrosity was just too much. It was a performance outfit and she looked like it was too heavy for her. She just sorta swayed back and forth.

  43. Wilma Mckanic

    Interesting post, I am going to put it on my blog

  44. Bambi Anne Dear

    All in one night? Good grief! I like the self stripe jacket on the ten gallon hat guy. I think I like him too. Who is he?

  45. DJ Lights

    Great site layout Thank you for posting about this. You saved me lots of time. I will check back for updates.

  46. Star

    Proposition: Bai Ling should be a judge more often.

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