X-Factor Letter of Truth: Part I


OH MY GOD Y’ALL I HAVE  A JOB. I have to show up everyday and say things and be places and stay awake and not cry and get free Cheetos from Crafty Servicers and Simon Cowell looked at me yesterday and said, “You ARE the new Paula Abdul AREN’T YOU?”, and then he started shaking his head and he backed out of the room and I am pretty sure that means I am going to do GREAT. And Xtina sent me flowers this morning for my dressing room and the card read “Watch Your Back” which is great advice because WHO KNOWS what it happening at the back of this thing? If it’s like the front y’all can totally see my bra strap except I might have forgotten to put on a bra. And I also got a note from Demi Lovato who said I was a great example to her and that looking at the last few years of my life is really keeping her on program which is also SO SWEET and then I ALSO got sent a box of hair that I am pretty sure used to be Jessica Biel’s bangs and the reason I am pretty sure it because the box came from the guy I hired to sneak into her house and cut them off while she slept JUST KIDDING I WOULD NEVER DO THAT (I totally did that). And this morning Jason said I looked like Barbie which is why I am marrying him and, y’all, seriously, can we just talk about the fact that in the six years since SOMEONE (Justin) put out his last album, I have released THREE ALBUMS which were all huge hits? I AM JUST SAYING THIS.

See you on X-Files!



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Comments (49):

  1. Kirsten

    Oh, who cares about X-Factor? Tomorrow is EUROVISION!!!

  2. Amanda in Austin

    Perfection. Brava, Fug Girls!

  3. Amanda in Austin

    And by that, I mean that the Fug Girls’ writing is perfection, like gum, not like Britney’s dress.

    • Amber

      Hahaha–gum would be perfection!
      Yes, Jessica, much like gum to Chandler Bing, to me, your writing is perfection. I am so glad Britney’s up and about, and looking…healthy, so that we can get more Letters of Truth!

      • Kara

        Exactly. While I’m happy that “Britney’s shit” and “together” are on speaking terms, I’m also happy that it means more Letters of Truth!

  4. Billie

    This is just what I needed to wake my a** up this dreary morning!

  5. fiatluxury

    oh, BRITNEY. just because you have a job now doesn’t mean you have to wear heinous black work pumps like some corporate schmo. Glad to see you are healthy, but just having your bod back does NOT make this dress acceptable. Put your sternum away and get yourself some nice strappy sandals, hon. There. Isn’t that better?

  6. Victoria

    Awww so cute Britbrit!

  7. Martha

    I love Letters of Truth because I seriously read them in my head IN BRITNEY’S VOICE because they are just that spot-on. So great.

  8. kickassmomnyc

    Love the Letter of Truth. Oh the potential for would might REALLY come out of her mouth now that she’s on national TV.
    Thanks for an imaginative and spot-on preview.

  9. Carrie

    I CANNOT WAIT FOR X FACTOR. Which, before, I never gave a second thought. The power of the Brit-Brit.

  10. Kit

    Oh Britney. Put on a bra, girl.

    Otherwise, good for you – you seem to be keeping it together really well, despite your father giving part ownership of you to your fiance.


  11. Jan

    I don’t watch this show but now I may have to. Thanks a *heap* Fug Girls… And fiatluxury? My new favorite phrase for the rest of my natural life will be “PUT YOUR STERNUM AWAY”!

  12. The Ghost of Versace

    Like Martha, I also hear Britney’s voice in my head when reading these. Well done Jessica, I think you’ve really gotten into the brain and thought-process of Britney (which I’m sure is much, much harder than one would assume)

    I think a lot of her outfits are fug (this included) but the way she poses never helps, there’s something to be said about all the girls on the carpets posing hands on hips with feet crossed, mouth closed. Really does help.

  13. Becca

    I don’t know if it’s because I adored her when I was little or what, but I have always rooted for Brit. I love how happy she looks here!

    • Ms.A

      I second that!

      • Megan

        Agreed! I have always liked her music and wish her nothing but the best. I think she’s turned things around for the better, and I hope it stays like that.

        • Sonya

          Me four! I have never been a huge fan of her music, but the way she crashed and burned, it was all too much too soon. She just seems like a sweet girl who needed guidance and I am glad she is happy and working again! Brit-Brit and Kiki, my two favorite reformed ladies and I just realized we are all the same age, maybe that is why I am happy they’re happy!

    • Fat Desdemona

      Totally agreed. She seems like such a sweet person with a good heart. And I love her music, except for the ballads. But I hate ballads in general ,so that’s not Britney’s fault.

  14. tiburon

    Brit, I’ve really missed your letters of truth. Welcome back!

  15. corriner

    This photo, and her facial expression, are hilarious.

  16. Cranky Old Batt

    Oh yeah, right, like she could put that many words together into sentences, let alone spell them correctly.

  17. Katie

    Letter of Truth is my favourite celebrity faux commentary! Yay X-Factor!

    If the transparent part wasn’t, you know, transparent, I might like the dress. Even with the sensible pumps.

  18. rwanda

    Her last three albums haven’t exactly been hits, FYI.

    Love the write-up, though!

    • Eliza Bennett

      I think Circus and Blackout count as strong sellers–not a huge hit compared to earlier albums, but nothing’s quite up to past levels after she shaved her head and beat a car with her umbrella.

    • shannon

      her last album was her first ever to produce 3 top 10 singles
      so while the albums themselves may not have been colossally successful, they still produced quite a number of hits

  19. Francesca

    Her meltdowns have been TMI in gossip rags for too long, and I’m happy to see her looking better and happy. I’ll even give her a pass on the dress (it would have been less “follow the crowd” with a fuller skirt – tight minis don’t always equate sexy) because she’s worked her way out of the pit in which she was living.

  20. Trish

    The fact that “after she shaved her head and beat a car with her umbrella” is what truly happened and not some sort of fanciful hyperbole is … sad, actually. But it would make really good slang for going nuts: “Don’t go down to the break room. Jim is about to shave his head and beat a car with an umbrella.”

    • Eliza Bennett

      YES. I love this and you, and I’m going to start saying it immediately.

  21. Mary

    Okay but is her dress terry cloth? Probably not but it is in my head.

    • LibraryChick

      I don’t think it’s terry cloth, but if it is, it’s probably a very fancy variety of it. What better way to wipe off the Cheetos dust? It also mops up any Diet Coke spills. I can’t figure out what function the sheer panel would serve, though.

  22. sarah

    Maybe it’s just that I really want a win for Brit, but I think this is really cute. I like the colour, her hair looks great, and despite what an earlier poster said, I really like the shoes. The sheer panel is awful, put can’t win them all, ya’ll

  23. TonyG

    Never liked Britney’s music (let’s be honest, her “genius” is her producers and her dancing ability). It’s ironic a woman who used to be able to barely sing (and currently cannot) will be giving advice to singers who can, but, much like Paula Abdul, her worth will probably be as a choreographer for groups on X-Factor.

    That said, she looks happy here. Fabulous smile. The dress is sexy on her even without a bra, but the shoes are boring and far too heavy for what seems like a dress made of teri-cloth.

  24. Rachel

    I was at the taping last night…Britney was amazing. I can’t wait for X Factor. She used words such as mystical, magical, and spiritual to describe peoples’ voices. Her voice was tiny. She got up and danced during one act and it was AWESOME. I love her.

  25. vandalfan

    That sheer panel (you can see her necklace) is an abomination.

  26. Kyasarin

    Oh, Brit. You simply cannot go braless. Not after two kids and being well-endowed in the first place. Give the girls something to help them fight gravity.

  27. Shiitake

    Britney is braless and on television, and Eurovision is beaming its digitized lunacy at the world’s population this summer.

    I’m snapping my garters in anticipation.

  28. CJ

    First and foremost, she looks happy and healthy. Brava, Britney.

    As for the ensemble, I think the dress would have been better without the sheer panel and with a bra. Also, the shoe choice looks odd. From the BACK, it looked fine as the exposed zipper on the back is black, but from the front, it just looks clunky.

    Also, this is a girl who was naturally endowed with a very pretty face, but there is something really different about her eyes these days. They look sad and the way she does her eye makeup makes them look tilted down and even sadder. With the dark eye makeup and very light eyebrows, the shape of her eyes really takes over her face and gives her whole face a sad look. A little eyebrow pencil to define her brows (and maybe a different way of applying her eye makeup too) would balance her face better and be more flattering.

  29. amys

    Good luck, Ms. Britney. We’re pulling for you. Please tell David Duchovny hey for us!

  30. Sajorina

    OMG, WTF happened to her boobs? She should take her 1st “X-Files” paycheck and have that situation fixed ASAP!

  31. Guerra

    She has crazy eyes! Lil loca

  32. Veronica

    Hate the dress, but she actually seems to be legitimately smiling here, which is a massive improvement over the painfully obivous faux cheerfulness we saw throughout her last tour. I really hope she’s finally getting a chance to pull her life together.

  33. jean

    Happy and healthy, but proof that if she just went up a size she would look as thin as she is. Seriously, why do girls do this to themselves. One size up and she would look fit instead of squeezed. I love her authentic crazy smile however. It’s delightful.

  34. CranAppleSnapple

    Your Letters of Truth make me indescribably happy.

  35. Helen

    I am new to Letters of Truth and thoroughly delighted. This is just how I imagine it sounds in Britney’s head.

    Count me in among those rooting for her. I’ve always found her likeable and sympathetic. That the Fug attention she gets during X-Factor‘s run will also be hysterically funny is icing on the cake!

    I agree with poster CJ above about the eye makeup. Someone’s gotta fix that. The dress, well… uh, I like the color?

  36. Patroushka

    Rachel, were you at the taping where she walked out? TMZ had video on that yesterday.

    Still crazy after all these years! ?;^)

  37. AL

    Have to admit, it’s nice to see her looking happy again. Thought we’d lost her for good. I’m rooting for her.