Who Fugged It More: Holly Valance vs Abi Clancy

The thing is, I am pretty sure I have a guess at who will win this one, but then again, Fug Nation can be full of surprises. So let’s get started on what Iron Chef would call “Battle Panty.”

First up: Australian singer and former Neighbors actress Holly Valance (who also appeared briefly on Prison Break as a Russian cohort of Wentworth Miller’s, if you were a fan of that show, which I sort of was, then wasn’t, then maybe was again, and then ultimately really was not).

If this dress really were Venetian blinds, as its fervent dream seems to be, then they’d be the light-diffusing kind — the one where putting them down doesn’t REALLY block out everything, but it gives you the IMPRESSION that it does so that you can go about your business making omelets without pants on, or whatever, and not be self-conscious about your hobby. Except I think in this case, a little self-consciousness might’ve been in order, because now I am intimately aware that her chest has been turned into a Denny’s short-stack. If I could add the visible belly-button into the breakfast metaphor, I would, but other than the awful “her coffee cup needs refilling” I couldn’t conjure one that made even a shred of sense. In sum: Check, please.

But can it beat this?

Abi here once attended the Pride of Britain awards, and I suspect that stuck with her, as she appears to be wearing this outfit as a way of saying, “Here. Look. BRITAIN WOULD WANT YOU TO SEE THIS.” Abi, a former Britain’s Next Top Model contestant who is now married to footballer Peter Crouch, just had a baby in March. Do we think this was hanging in her closet as her Inspiration Outfit? Like, “Dear Diary, I ate two yogurts and a grape today. Only six pounds to go until I wear the fringed lacy zipper! Kisses, Abi.”

As ever, this provokes intriguing questions. Is it a bra and panties with a lace overlay, or is it all one thing — like, the bra, the panties, the zipper, are all sewn into one garment? Either way, where does one find such a thing? The Hurlington Coat Factory?

I mean, obviously, this is patently absurd. She looks like one of those fingerless gloves Madonna wore in the ’80s, and which consequently I also wore, albeit only on very special occasions when I wanted to be as cool as possible (so, you know, not with my Girl Scouts uniform — although at the time I suspect I thought that one could not get any cooler). This is not what a rational human person would wear to do any rational human things, like walk, or sit, or drink, or eat, or socialize. So in theory, this should out-fug Holly’s any day. But then there’s this angle: Abi’s coatgerie is so far out there, that in a way it’s obviously doing EXACTLY what its maker intended, and it is thus not trying to pretend it is anything else. Whereas Holly’s is soft-core style masquerading as a dress. Given all that, which is worse?

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Comments (45):

  1. anna

    “Abi’s coatgerie is so far out there, that in a way it’s obviously doing EXACTLY what its maker intended, and it is thus not trying to pretend it is anything else. Whereas Holly’s is soft-core style masquerading as a dress. ”

    This, exactly.

  2. Eliza Bennett

    I haven’t seen this much OHMYGODNO in one place since the fateful jumpsuit season of ANTM.
    Re: the argument that Abi’s crazy is intentional and therefore OK–I wouldn’t give GAG-A a pass on the salmonella sausage dress. I’m not giving Abi a pass on her whorehouse window treatment.

  3. LoriK

    I’m usually all about giving points for owning your shit, but not nearly enough of them to save Abi’s “outfit”

  4. Anne

    I would say Holly’s is worst because I’m at least sure that all of the things Abi needed to keep covered are actually covered. Holly? Not so much.

    Well that and the fact that Holly’s dress makes her legs look short and trunky. Plus, it does absolutely nothing for her waist line. And though Abi’s dress pretty much screams “skank”, at least she looks like a hot one.

    Love Holly’s shoes though.

  5. Kate

    Anne, you make a very good point. I actually grimaced when I looked at the closeup of Holly’s dress.

  6. Rosemary

    You know what, Holly’s is worse because she couldn’t commit. It looks like it wasn’t meant to be see-through, whereas Abbey’s at least is full-on see-through.

  7. C-No

    I’d just like to say that I’ve never had a baby, and once I have, I will never look that good anyway. So go Abi, for being proud of what you’ve got! But maybe a solid dress next time? Just a thought.

  8. Annie E

    Agreed. At least Abi’s breasts are totally covered.

  9. Kristen

    Also, Holly’s isn’t doing her any favors. Abi at least is appealing to her intended audience.

  10. vandalfan

    The lady in the black crocheted potholder certainly has nice shoes and pretty hair. And I’ve been here too long when my reaction to Abi was, “My, look at her roots, and the patterns don’t line up on the side seams.”

  11. Lina

    What the hell are GQ awards supposed to celebrate, anyway? From the pics I’ve seen so far, it’s mainly public nudity, terrible tuxes, and fairly half-assed fashion choices. I don’t get it.

  12. theotherjennifer

    @Vandal – I agree, my first thought was, “OMG those roots” and my second was “Oh a Skinny, skankier katie price wanna-be”….

  13. Lisa

    At least they’re wearing underwear.

  14. Francesca

    See-thru black lace, thy name is Desperation – no matter what age is wearing you!

  15. Autumn Van Weir

    These are all very “look at me”…

    Abi LOOKS better only b/c she’s better looking. That’s it. They both are a mess.


  16. witjunkie

    I can’t even.

  17. Emily

    I agree with Anne. Surely Holly’s essential bits are covered in some way, but it doesn’t look like it at first glance. At lease I can tell for sure that Abi’s got some undies on.

  18. Libby

    Both dresses are just embarrassing in their desperation.
    There’s nothing coy about peek-a-boo dresses, ladies, if we can still call you “ladies” after such a generous display of skin.

  19. Amber

    First of all, “Hurlington Coat Factory” made me spit out the water I had just taken a drink of. So thank you. At least it was only water.
    Both ladies are obviously desperate for attention, but the 2nd one is owning it (more or less). At least she committed.

  20. Marte

    Normaylly, I’d go for cudos to whoever’s the most clothed, but Holly is making me look at her crotch, wondering wether she’s wearing knickers, and I cannot forgive that.

  21. gryt

    That Abi is one classy broad.

  22. dvj

    Holly’s undergarments appear to be dark blue or purple, and therefore definitely there. But even if they weren’t, you can be sure she’s wearing knickers because there is no way either of those women have enough pubic hair to create anything nearing the illusion of actual underpants.

  23. annabeth

    Maybe Holly’s intent is worse, but dear Lord, her dress isn’t. With dark lining, dress number one becomes perfectly cute. And there is no lining strong enough, nor brave enough, to conquer the horror of dress number two.

  24. jhops

    Get your roots done, Abi. Sheesh.

  25. Cecily

    Uh, NO.

  26. LG

    GOOD LORD THOSE ARE NOT CLOTHES. Don’t people get DRESSED before they go out anymore?

  27. jenny

    GROSS. The top one is in some ways more disturbing, but the air of “proud of myself” in the bottom one is more irksome. Did she hang out with her newborn at all, or did she just spend the summer obsessing about having flat abs in her lacy zipper non-outfit?

  28. Lauren

    No, I’m pretty sure Holly’s NOT wearing undergarments. Her’s is definitely worse.

  29. Sajorina

    I have a figure close to Holly’s, but I would never do that! I still think she looks very good, even though I’m now acquainted with her lady parts! I like that she has meat on her bones and doesn’t have a fake tan, unlike Abi! Holly’s hair is gorgeous, her skin is great, her makeup is fabulous, the accessories are nice and with a black lining that dress would be AWESOME!

    Abi is just an all around HELL NO!!!

  30. ABro

    Your girl scout uniform comment cracked me up because one of my favorite pictures of myself is of me in my brownie uniform with an armful of jelly bracelets, neon orange lace fingerless gloves and a matching neon orange lace bow tied around my head. I loved me some Madonna in 2nd grade.

  31. anny

    Cue the sheriff in that first town in “Silverado” where Tyree gets out of jail when he says to Paden, “And you – git some clothes on!”

  32. Josie

    Did Holly order the donut holes?
    or something to do with bagels…I have such a fear of dressing boring, but this makes me appreciate my full coverage LBDs so much more…

  33. G

    Even those ugly shoes and the see-through dress couldn’t distract me from the horrible mess of fake-blonde multi-colored uncombed straw all over that woman’s head. She should have skipped one of her many gym sessions and gone to the hairdresser. Or at least bought a comb.

  34. Blanche

    Well these were truly terrible dresses, so this was the deciding factor: Holly at least has nice hair, whereas Abi is one astoundingly trampy WAG. No doubt she makes Crouchy happy, but I would’ve thought she’d be more back-stage-after-the-Journey-reunion-show-in-Milwaukee material. Hold tight to Princess Kate, Great Britain, because if this is your Top Model stuff, you clearly don’t have a whole lot to hold on to. I’m sorry, was I mean to a new mother? Cause I know it’s stressful and all, what with the ceaseless work and the no sleep and the social isolation.

  35. Anna

    Holly’s dress looks like the photo editor at a public photo-processing store added a horizontal black stripe over her crotch/panties.
    Yes, I realize I’m dating myself by referring to a photo-processing store…*sigh*

  36. Anne B

    I think the girl named for the window treatment (Holly Valance) wins this one. I don’t know either one from Eve, but:

    1) Holly’s hair looks recently cared for,
    2) She’s smiling, and
    3) I can’t guess her Social Security number by looking at her dress.

  37. sputnikbaby

    Abi Clancy is a bit of a tragic case. Runner up and resident mean girl on BNTM. Married a footballer despite the fact he was caught publicly cheating on her. Sold her wedding to paps only to find no one cared because she’d arranged it the same day as Kate Moss’ wedding (if you want to see awkward, overly styled photos then check the wedding pics out). She is, what we call where I’m from, a despo.

  38. Matilda

    I was very surprised to Abi Clancy in this dress. She’s usually not that slutty. And I don’t know what she did to her face but she looks totally different to how she looked a month ago. She’s a sweet girl, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

  39. Hel

    Both are awful but the first one at least looks like a dress.

  40. Aria

    While I don’t love Holly’s, it is not nearly as tacky as Abi’s. You can only see tiny peeks of skin, whereas on Abi, you see everything but the “bathing suit” area! Plus, Holly’s shoes, hair, and makeup look MUCH better.

  41. Mary

    First: I have never heard of either of these persons, despite being a regular reader of GFY. Second: Ms. Clancy looks frumpy. How she achieved this while wearing a peek-a-boo dress is beyond me, but the fact remains. Third: Hurlington Coat Factory made me laugh really hard.
    That is all.

  42. Claire L

    Holly’s is worse. Because I feel as if I’m seeing things I shouldn’t be. At least with Abbie, we know she wants us to look.

  43. Nora

    “Do we think this was hanging in her closet as her Inspiration Outfit? Like, “Dear Diary, I ate two yogurts and a grape today. Only six pounds to go until I wear the fringed lacy zipper! Kisses, Abi.”” LOL!! I love you, Fug Girls! I truly do.

  44. NYCGirl

    Abi-solutely not even a question.

  45. Christopher D

    Holly’s has a mystery about it, Abi is wearing the emporer’s new clothes and I can see her underwear.
    In fact, I can see way more than I want because I feel like I am in her bedroom and as a gay man I wanna know how the hell I got here, and can I chew through the restraints and get out because honey, I’m scared?!
    Abi is “You F@#$ing forgot to get dressed Honey!”
    Holly is more like “Um, I hope you are wearing underwear, cause your’e gonna need the–oh you are? Good, now go away, you’re blocking the waiter.”