Well Played From The Neck Down, Gwen Stefani


I’m batting cleanup on Cannes a little, and couldn’t let this Gwen Stefani outfit pass without judgment.

It is Armani Prive, and although it’s very striking, I keep hoping, say, Victoria Beckham will show up in the exact same dress and then the two of them will have extreme tantrums for about an hour including commercial breaks. Of course, since V.Becks is pregnant, that shoots to hell the story where she loses her virginity in a hotel room shortly thereafter. I am pretty sure it was not an immaculate conception, because have you SEEN her husband?

Anyway, back to Gwen. Aside from the echoes of 90210 glory, and maybe even slightly because of, I rather like this on her. I appreciate that it’s got a twist to it but manages still to be less busy than some of what she likes to do — before Cannes, it had been a while since she showed up wearing gowns, and it’s interesting to see how she’s metamorphosed since her last mega media blitz. The back is also lovely in its simplicity:

But we have got to talk about her makeup.

HONEY. That adds ten years to your face. Let me be clear: The one arena in which you do NOT want to best Christina Aguilera is the Makeup Thunderdome.

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Comments (55):

  1. Aria

    Like the back better than the front, but the back seems to fit funny – maybe it just looks that way because of her stance. As for the makeup, Oh, honey, no. Didn’t you ever hear that if you do a strong lip you don’t do a smoky eye? Actually, this eye should never be done again, it looks like she was in an actual fire. And the heavy foundation is definitely aging.

  2. Julie

    I like the back of the dress, but TWO bows? With a cutout? No no no.

  3. Dazie

    What the heck- she looks like she’s had lip work done. NOOOO!

  4. Carolina Girl

    That had to be an incredibly scary look in person because looking at it online is giving me the willies.

  5. Anne B

    Yes, Gwen. Those are your hips. WE KNOW.

    I like the dress too, and can almost imagine wearing it myself, if I had a billion dollars and were something other than dead-fish-pale at my midsection (yeah, not too many “beach days” here in the City By The Bay). But something’s distracting me from it. What could it be, what could it beeeee?

    Ohhhh. THE TOXIC WASTE ON HER EYELIDS. That must be it.

  6. maryse

    i think she looks great. she’s gwen! she do whatever she wants.

  7. Kat

    So, this is a little off-topic, but when are you announcing the Spoiled contest winners?!

  8. Sandra

    Well, exactly. The dress is quite striking. From the collar bone up, however: oh honey, no.

  9. Marly

    OH MY GOD! Gwen Stefani is Taylor Momsen’s mother!!!

  10. Emily

    She looks like Cruella DeVil.

  11. Heather

    Her make up looked good from far away but then OH MY GOD NO.

  12. Lina

    gah, no. I would love a redesign without the bows. The bows are ruining it for me. And the makeup, it looks like it’s slapped on a quarter inch thick. That is heinous. She’s so pretty with a clean face; I don’t understand her doing this to herself at all.

  13. Joni Woodhead

    the back is great … the front should have had only 1 bow

    as for her face .. i agree with Marly, she does look like Momsen’s mother

  14. Markie

    I love me some Gwen Stefani, but I am surprised that no one commented on the fact that she looks like she has four boobs. Two on her tummy!

  15. Miz H

    I didn’t mind the dress until Markie pointed out the four boobs. Yeah, totally looks like four boobs.

  16. CJ

    It looks like she has an extra bikini top tied around her waist. Four boobs.

    Holy Trowel, Batman. That’s a lot of eye makeup. I can’t even see her eyes in there.

  17. Sara

    Ok, now four boobs is all I can see. And I liked it until then too. Damn.

  18. vandalfan

    Let this be a lesson to all the young ladies: take a look at what six pounds of face powder can do to even the most beautiful of faces. Improperly deployed, it adds fifteen years. And now all I see is the four-boob issue, too.

  19. Sim

    DAMN. She set that makeup gun to 1000. Not cute, Gwenny.

  20. Libby

    Bride of Frankenstein

  21. Lauren Dorsee Dillon

    Four boobs plus garish makeup equals a negative number.

  22. Molly

    At least she looks like she wants to skin her makeup artist. GWEN, we love your face, please stop slapping so much shit on it.

  23. Fuh Ugh

    Nope, this is the cousin of Leona Lewis’ bow boobs. I thought for sure you’d be fugging the entire outfit. Gwen Stefani is just grotesque. She is so naturally pretty, but she’s fried her hair, wears ridiculous get-ups instead of clothes and puts the makeup on with a trowel. She seems like she is SO OVER – why isn’t she over already?

  24. 'Mela

    The clown hair & make up is an anti-aging trick. You wear this through your 20′s & 30′s, and in your 40′s you quit it all, go natural, and look 20 years younger.

  25. MoPo

    I can’t shake the thought that she’s been run over by a bicycle.

  26. Tara Misu

    I LOVE, love that dress! Gorgeous! But the make-up, sweet Jesus!

  27. Grace Equality Pheiffer

    I’m just freaked out by the mole on her chest. Thing looks pre-cancerous.

  28. Lynnie

    Four boobs or not, I love the dress, but yeah, it could be improved by the removal of the bottom bow.
    @Marly: From the neck up, totally Momsenmom.
    @’Mela: Gwen IS over 40. It’s time to unearth her real face!

  29. Sajorina

    I like the whole thing as is! This is a WIN for me! She looks amazing and since it IS Gwen Stefani, a simpler dress has to go with very dramatic makeup!

    Now, I’m looking for a great red lipstick and would die to know which one she wears!

  30. Kris

    Look, I can understand the blind Gwen Stefani love, but she is not SWINTON, and she cannot pull off everything. She looks like the Bride of Frankenstein.

  31. ak

    Oy vey. Well….at least that terrifying closeup demonstrates that the lady hasn’t had any plastic surgery. Those are definitely wrinkles. Hooray for good genes, hidden as they are under the slap! She may look like the world’s most glamorous raccoon, but at least she’s sans scalpel?

  32. Daffodil

    Holy fugging eyeliner, Batman. I am seriously sitting here trying to work out how much makeup that is. As in, how many pans of eyeshadow did she have to empty out just to get that much makeup on her eyes. I’m thinking twelve.

  33. CJ

    Question: how come we never see dark roots on this woman?????

  34. ashleymads

    I think the bows totally make it: I love how the clean lines are broken up. Her make up is a collection of poor choices.

  35. Kyasarin

    Uh, Gwen? That makeup adds 20 years (and 20 pounds) to your face. Just FYI.

  36. TVGurl

    I kind of love it on her….. But the only reason I read the whole item is because I KNEW there would be at least one 90210 reference. And I was not disappointed!

  37. celia

    I keep thinking what if Baby Jane had a baby? Anyhow, I am freaked out by the back of her dress- or more specifically her butt. Which while gravity defying and all that – you know a lining or a slip or something would be nice.

  38. Chris

    Marly: That’s impossible! That would imply that Taylor Momsen actually has a mother. (Instead of, you know, a wheresher.)

    That said, Gwen looks 40-going-on-Joan Rivers in the face. I was about to say “40-going-on-Cher,” but that would have been a disservice to Cher.

    I also…refuse to see four boobs. It’s a weird cut, yeah, but…I mean, c’mon, this is Gwen Stefani. I’m siding with the Fug Girls in saying that the dress is well-played (although the makeup is unforgivable).

  39. Nikki Diamonds

    A Lot better than what i saw her wearing in a “What Were they thinking” photo

    Make up and fashion by me .. http://www.youtube.com/user/SuperNikkiDiamonds

  40. suzanne suzannadanna

    No one else has pointed it out, so I guess I’ll be the the bitch. Gwen has fat rolls on her back. Yes, they are small ones, but there they are. And if you’ve got fall rolls on your back, it’s probably best to wear something that doesn’t expose them. Other than that, I really don’t care much how silly she looks.

  41. Bambi Anne Dear

    From a distance I don’t mind the makeup. It’s dramatic. But it’s rather like seeing ballet dancer closeup. You know they need it to counteract lights, people sitting 100 metres away etc. She is rather wrinkled isn’t she? Hooray! Stay that way and resist the knife please Gwen. I love the dress and I love the hair. Even if it is far too bleached.

  42. Christine

    Fat rolls?!? I believe those “fat rolls” you are seeing on Gwen Stefani are just a by-product of the funky angle she’s pushing out her hips to (wow, how’s that for awful grammar… sorry, i’m sleepy). The woman has had 2 children and has maybe a 5% body fat percentage – if that. We should all be so lucky!!!
    that said, the makeup is hideous and absolutely ages her. I immediately thought of Aguilera and that is DEFINITELY NOT a compliment when referring to makeup!

  43. Vanessa

    I don’t really mind the dress (although the four boobs thing is definitely a factor), but what bothers me is that it’s so not right for Cannes. Cannes is not just any old red carpet, it has it’s own look that is always about flowy summer dresses, preferably floral (I love the one Nicole Kidman wore a few years ago). This dress just doesn’t give off French Riviera in any sense of the word. So for that reason, it gets a fug in my book.

  44. Rebekah

    I think it’s kinda cool.

    But just so you know, “immaculate conception” refers to someone (the Virgin Mary) conceived without original sin. It doesn’t mean conceived without sex. Which is, I assume, the scenario you were rejecting in the Beckhams’ case. :)

  45. Amber

    Am I the only one who sees Cameron Diaz in the face? Sure, an older, blonder, HEAVILY make-up’d Cameron Diaz, but nonetheless…maybe its the smirk.
    And Gwen looks horrible from the neck up. I kinda liked the dress, until the 4 boobs comment, and now that’s all I see. But the make-up. Dear Lord.

  46. Janine

    I am not normally a gal who would solicit her husband’s opinion after getting myself dolled-up; but, good goddess!! How the heck could Mr. Rossdale let her out of the hotel with her makeup looking like that?

  47. Mongerel

    I love this without reservation. Love the crispness of the black and white dress, it is truly elegant. And I love the makeup too — it’s a commitment, and she is completely selling it. Whoever did it has great skill; the heavy eyes and dark lips look perfectly balanced.

    Mongerel score: A. Deeply impressed.

  48. morningstar

    Alright, someone already noted that she looks like Cruella de Ville in evening wear, and someone already said “two bows? and a cutout? no, no, no!” so I will say… my sentiments exactly.

  49. nmlhats

    Just to give you a little friendly theology refresher: The Immaculate Conceptions does NOT refer to Mary’s becoming pregnant without having had sexual relations. That is actually the Virgin Birth, and you have hit on a very common misunderstanding of Catholic theology.

    The Immaculate Conception is the conception OF the Immaculate Virgin Mary in her own mother’s womb (the normal way, with two human parents), but WITHOUT Mary’s carrying the stain of the original sin of Adam & Eve, that we all bear. Mary herself had to be born without original sin–i.e. immaculate–so that she could become the mother of Jesus. The greeting of the angel to her when announcing her the news that she would be the mother of Jesus, “Hail, Mary, full of grace” refers to her being unstained by original sin and carrying the sanctifying grace of God throughout her life as a result of the Immaculate Conception.

  50. Mary

    Dear Gwen,
    Young Frankenstein was a great movie, wasn’t it? Madeline Kahn’s look was one for the ages.
    Love, Mary

  51. witjunkie

    Is she a natural blonde? I too, CJ, have long been in awe of her (I was going to say immaculate…perhaps I should say impeccable) roots maintenance. I mean she obviously helps it along, the blonde that is, but she must have someone come in and touch up every other week or so. Admirable. And – you can see in the close up that her hair isn’t all that fried, I think she keeps it above her shoulders so she can keep it cut and healthy.

    Don’t like the eyes either but that dress is fantastic.

  52. Jennifer

    WHY dioes she pose this way? Please stop. It makes my back hurt. It is not attractive…the dresses do NOT look better, you are not skinnier…I don’t care, just stop it. Yeah yeah yeah, the dress is pretty…stop posing that way. Please.

  53. Molly

    Is she going to sing a medley of Disney Villainess songs later? She kinda has the Ursula hair and Malificent make up going on….

  54. Aurora

    Does anyone else think that the second bow makes her look like she has TWO pairs of breasts? I am concerned for your sanity fug girls! At the very least this should be an unfug it up!

  55. It

    Yikes! Her hair and make up remind me of Melanie Griffith at the beginning of Working Girl!