Unfug It Up: Jessica Biel


Y’all are going to know EXACTLY where I’m going with this almost immediately.

I am going to a wretched old town called Stumpville, where the trees have been hacked down, the barstools are all too low, and nobody has any knees. Seriously, though, I know I bang on about this, but this particular length does her no favors. Go up, go down, a little or a lot, but abandon hope all ye who enter precisely here. The giant pockets are a touch cutesy for me, too, although they do at least provide some interest. Her waist looks appropriately tiny. And… wait a minute, does her chest have cups? ACTUAL cups, not just of the bra variety?

It’s… what is that, overflow storage? Does she keep pretzels and spiced nuts in there? Her keys, an ID, some lip gloss? And look where they’re placed — it’s so awkward with the actual natural line of her boobs, which comes lower, and thus looks creased and weird. Perfect example adding stuff just for stuff’s sake. They look like old shoulder pads.

I also think the necklace and the earrings together are too much, and her face is too monochrome — a more dramatic eye or a darker lip would help. Basically, the only thing reassuring me here is that her hair doesn’t look crackballs, and the color isn’t terrible on her. Even the silver-tipped nails aren’t really doing it for me. What would make this work for you? Can she be saved, or should she fire her fiance from his styling duties?

[Photos: Getty]


Leave a reply

Comments (76):

  1. Mahastee

    Ha! I am always having the necklace/earring discussion with my mum, she likes the full set, I go with one or the other.

    At first it looks good, but then every single part is bad or doesn’t play well with the other parts. I give up.

    • Kat

      Agreed with the necklace/earrings. It’s a general rule of thumb for me to do a statement earrings or statement necklace, but never the two together. As a coworker of mine would say, “…that’s a lotta look.”

  2. Gine

    I kinda feel for the girl, because it always seems like she tries SO HARD but inevitably misses the mark. Her stylists (or Justin, or whomever) always seem to want to make her look “edgy” and fashion-forward, when I think she’d look so much better, and more comfortable, in stuff with cleaner lines and less fussy details.

    I actually like the jewelry, though. With a simple black dress, it would look great.

    • Annie E

      I think Justin is trying to make her look feminine, maybe out of the goodness of his heart or something to boost her appeal for non-action roles, but it just doesn’t suit her. On top of that, this dress is so, so awful and would be unflattering on anyone.

      • Mel Duff

        I agree with both of you, Gine and Annie E. I have Audrey taste and a Marilyn(esque) body, and I feel her pain with it never quite working out the way she’d planned.

    • Jamie

      I agree about the jewelry. I like it. Actually I think it would be okay with this dress, too, but the necklace hangs *just* a bit too low. I think if it stayed clear of the neckline of the dress it would be okay.

      And also about her styling. It’s almost always too much. Feel the same way about Ginnifer Goodwin – I wish she’d stick to basics. Her clothes always wear her.

  3. Christie

    Remove the cups, change the jewels and put on some lipstick. Bam! Perfection.

    • Chloe

      I think she actually does have lipstick on, it’s just that it’s a nude shade that doesn’t work with this dress & her eye makeup. She’s a beautiful woman, but she needs an actual color on her lips with this dress.

    • Shoeniverse

      I am all for the cups IF she does actually keep pretzels in them :D

  4. Gwen Robinson

    Other than the length, I thought the dress was really cute, and I really like the pockets, But then came the close-up of the boob cups, and ewwwwww. And even though I don’t particularly care for the Biel, I don’t hate her and I wish she’d add at least a little color on her face.

  5. pantsonfire

    First, the positives: Her hair is looking better. Lighter and sans bangs is definitely the direction she needs to go. Do I love this particular hairstyle, which feels a bit greasy? No. And I predict a forehead breakout in her future.

    Re dress: The only thing working is the color. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that she can’t ever wear strapless, but I think she should be very, very judicious when choosing strapless dresses. The boob cups are obviously surreal. Both the length and fullness of the skirt are clearly not working on her. Oddly, pockets on her are ok with me…this is just obviously a bad dress, both on her and probably standing alone. But I like the idea of her being a girl that wears a dress with pockets.

    The shoes and jewelry really, really bother me. I don’t know why–I just really hate those shoes with this dress, but would probably like them with another dress or with jeans or something.

    In conclusion: Oh, Jessica.

    • pantsonfire

      To be clear– the jewelry is potentially cute. Just not here and probably not together. I could even see wearing that necklace with something casually chic, because it’s so obviously costume.

  6. amy

    Blah, blah, blah and blah. She looks like a giant smudge of dried Pepto-Bismol. And those shoes need to be returned to Great Aunt Mildred.

    • TonyG

      LOL…even though I kinda like the silver-tip shoes (and the matchy silver fingertips).

    • Shoeniverse

      The shoes are actually fierce, it’s the rest out the outfit – paired with black cigarette pants and a shiny vest they would look hot as hell.

  7. cycler

    Is it just me, or does something about the drape of the fabric, especially around the pockets make it look like scary polyester doubleknit?

    • pantsonfire

      Yeah, the fabric also wasn’t doing it for me. For some reason, I kind of wish this were a Chanel-like refined boucle or tweed? Maybe that’s crazy. And probably not appropriate for summer anyway. But if this had a pencil skirt and no boob pockets and was a tweedy fabric, it might be moving in the right direction for me.

  8. Hannah

    How about a genuine smile? She always looks so glum and/or forced.

  9. Amber

    She needs to fire her fiance, period. As a stylist, as her partner, just get him out of her life.
    I don’t understand how SUCH a pretty girl can look so blah most of the time. She has a helluva head start on the rest of us and still can’t finish the race.
    The only thing I like about the dress is the color and maybe, oddly, the pockets. The length is bad, the boob pockets are weird to the point I have no words…

    • Neil

      I’d concur about firing the fiance, except he’s the only reason anyone’s interested in her anymore, so that might be shooting herself in the foot a little.

      I agree with pretty much everyone else – hate the boob pockets, hate the other pockets, hate the length. Considering what she has to work with looks-wise, she should not be looking this bad.

  10. Annie

    Out with the boob cups, out with the pockets, hem it to the knee, and the shoes are too matchy with the jewelry. Jewelry is too dramatic for the dress. Agree with make-up assessment.

    I guess I just basically trashed the whole look. Color is nice on her, though. She doesn’t do the whole romantic styling very well. She has such a bangin’ bod. Would love to see her in the dress Rachel Wiesz wore the other day.

  11. Amelia

    Remember she was a spokesperson for Revlon? They should send some samples her way. It’s okay if she’s a more athletic, casual gal, but walking the red carpet is walking the red carpet. Please wear lipstick.

    • pidget

      I think she should work more with what she’s got – a wonderfully feminine, athletic body, and a more casual style personality. Imagine a nicely fitted (not sprayed on) yellow tank dress with minimal jewellery and beachy, relaxed hair, instead. Better!

      She always errs with too much frou, or too much edge, and just can’t carry it off.

  12. April

    Remove the boob pockets (obviously), the earrings & about a foot in length then switch out the shoes for something less substantial & I think we’d be good to go. Would it be awesome & amazing? No, but it’d be cute. My main thing is that I’m just grateful she sprayed those God-awful bangs to the side. It’s amazing how much better she looks without them!

    • Jen S 2.0

      What she said. I’d also darken the color of the dress about three shades closer to fuschia and hem it to just below the knee.

  13. Art Eclectic

    I covet that necklace, just not with this outfit and not with the earrings. If you are going to wear an art piece, it should be the only showstopper on your person.

    The boob pockets are just WTF.

    Hip pockets work ok for me.

    Not a fan of this color on her.

  14. Candy

    The off-center seam on the top bothers me. I noticed it before I noticed the boob cups (which do need to go). Get rid of the cups & the seam and I’m in.

    • emperorcupacke

      I don’t like the seaming, either. The Dior collection this comes from was atrocious.

  15. Katharine

    The boob pockets are hilarious. Necklace OR chandelier earrings, not both. The vibes of the jewellery (cas-luxe) and the shoes (classy film secretary) are throwing insults at each other from the extremities of her body; they do not play well. I’m not keen on the starkness of the shoes with the colour of the dress, either, although I will admit that their style seems a bit more aligned with the quirky-retro-classic feel IT’S giving.

    She also needs a better, non-chalky shade of lipstick.

    The boob pockets do appeal to me, simply by virtue of their sheer unreasonableness and complete unsuitability, either to the dress as a whole or to her figure. That is, however… probably not the effect she sought. She doesn’t strike me as the kind of person who harbours those sorts of Rei Kawakubo-ish impulses about her clothes.

  16. Chrissy

    I don’t hate it, but it’s not great either. The color is a bit washed out for her. She would look better in warm colors like orange and brown, yet she always wears white, tan or some other pale shade. I agree about the necklace and earring being too much together. I always wondered why people didn’t actually wear the matched sets that are sold in stores, and here I can see why they don’t. I actually like midcalf length, but it needs a strappy shoe and maybe just an inch or two so you could see a hint of ankle.

  17. Chrissy

    Oh, I forgot the boob pockets! That is awful and has got to go.

  18. Ranee Singleton

    Dress: long
    Hair: up
    Jewelry: fine like it is.
    Boob pockets: not in this or any other lifetime. Ever.

  19. Art Eclectic

    Normally, hip pockets add width to the hips area, which no girl wants. But on a dress like this one where the waist is very tailored and nipped in I think they work just fine.

  20. Ella Jane

    The dress is from Raf Simons’ couture for Dior and looked so much better on the model – the length was actually attractive. We were completely defeated by the boob eyelids, though, and Raf showed those through the collection. Girl needs a tailor, stat.

  21. D

    All she has to do is stand next to Colin Farrell at these Total Recall events and I won’t even notice how bad her outfit is (or, in fact, that she is even there).

  22. kSto

    First, happy to see the Cher bangs going away. Just wrong for her face. The dress appears to be a perfectly cute simple sundress trying to masquerade as an edgy evening dress. Lose the storage cups (WTF anyway?), shorten it and change out the shoes and jewelry for something more casual, and she’d be fine. Better than fine, even, if she was going to a romantic picnic or shopping or some such. Not for walking the Carpet of Red.

  23. LindenLovesFashion

    No one has been (on occasion) coming closer and yet missing it more than La Biel. Does she need someone to explain the concept of “Stylist – Not Rachel Zoe” to her? Or hey! Imitate someone who seems to know how to dress: Emma Stone, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Middleton for Bob’s sake…

  24. LindenLovesFashion

    I missed the boob cups first time around. Why would any woman – even Jessica Biel – think that is attractive? There’s edgy – and there’s wierd. Jessica needs a refresher course in both.

  25. Billie

    This just looks like a bad attempt at the Breakfast at Tiffany’s look. The jewels are so costumey … then she has that awful harsh shoes.

    Take a way the boob cups, change all accessories and add some lippy and we’re good to go.

  26. Shoeniverse

    Firstly, she looks… stoned?

    The dress looks like a large and rather unflattering wedding cake, but I love love LOVE the Vuitton heels – fierce as hell.

    You know I love shoes when I can pick them out of this hot mess….


  27. Sonya

    I had forgotten what she looks like without the blunt bangs. SO much better! Bangs do not work for everyone, Jessica! That dress is too twee, wrong length, color, awful pockets, go home and start over.

  28. Cristina

    I’m very pro-longer length dresses and skirts so I have no objection there. The necklace, while it’d be nice with something else, doesn’t really work here. And the color of the dress is just too twee for an adult human.

    • Jeanette

      “too twee for an adult human” – Indeed!

      It’s a little-girl bridesmaid dress to go with the blah whites and wedding-ish veil she has worn lately.

      Wish Justin would
      A) make this little girl at heart’s dream come true or
      B) set her free

  29. Kara

    She’s in the Rashida Jones category: a lovely woman who just doesn’t dress well at all.

  30. Brook

    No to it all. No to the dress, the color, her makeup, the jewelry, her fiance, her movies, her talent. I’m sorry to be harsh, but she just gets under my skin with her TRYING. Don’t ever read an interview with her–you just can’t stop the harsh from jumping at her after.

  31. Dizee

    Randomly today, I came across a photo of Sandra Bullock at her L.A. premiere for “The Proposal” in which La Bullock is wearing a VERY similar necklace.

    Thus, if JT is styling Jessica, he has gone all 2009 on her. And that’s not a good sign.

    Also, while the off-center seaming on the dress is interesting, only a sadist would put his girl in boob cups.

  32. Olivia

    Ditch the boob pockets, the necklace (while it’s fab, it’s too much), and shorten the skirt. I would even make it slightly less wide- a more streamlined shape that keeps the pleats would be a nice change. Also, the seam running up the side of her chest is awfully distracting to me. On the positive side, the color is lovely, her hair looks great, and her face is done up just right.

  33. yeahandalso

    Step One: Stop being Jessica Biel

  34. Cynthia W

    Was this at the same event as Kate’s snake dress? If so, that must have made this outfit look even more twee and unflattering?

    If JT really is picking out her clothes – just stop. Seriously, who would take fashion advice from a dude who showed up in matching acid washed denim with Britney Spears? How can a woman with that face and that body just miss the mark so often?

    • pantsonfire

      Yes! The pictures are hilarious. And you are right–when the two of them are photographed together, JB’s dress ends up the loser; it looks obscenely twee, whereas Beckinsale’s dress somehow looks reptilian to be sure, but more sardonic and clever than it does standing alone without the Biel dress comparison.

  35. sarah

    i think from the shoulders up she looks amazingly gorgeous (and usually i don’t think she turns it out as well as she could). and, while the boob cups are terrible (seriously, what function can pockets on your boobs have? no one is actually carrying anything in there), i also find them hilarious so, whatever. my big beef with this is the length. as you said, it’s terribly stumpifying. make that a cute cockail dress, chopped off around the knees, and we are in business, boob pockets and all.

  36. sacchrainkiss

    Ugh, boob cups. Where did that come from? The dress isn’t great and I think that the necklace plus the earrings is a little much, but on the plus side, her hair looks better than usual. Baby steps people.

  37. DanerKebab

    Cut the earrings off at the studs, lose the boob cups, and shorten it to just below or right at her knees. Otherwise, I think she looks phenomenal.

    Although I wouldn’t complain if she wanted to just give me the necklace.

  38. Kate

    WELL! From the bottom up.. shoes are fug, IMO, but they neither ruin nor save this.. the dress is, as you identified, pretty much just bad bad bad (I’m paraphrasing a little here). I don’t think that the visual interest that the pockets provide save it one bit.. cut/color/style/decoration.. all bad. And as for the shoulder pads? I’d say it looks more like *one*, cut in half and (not-so-) strategically glued on. wth. and I think that the earrings and necklace are way too much together, though I wouldn’t like either separately, so I’m probably just biased.

    This is just all-around bad. Poor Bielberlake (I just thought of this and I LOVE it and can we use it please?). She is much too pretty for this, and she has a rockin’ body that gets pretty much no attention nowadays. :S

  39. Karen

    Did anyone see her fashion spread in InStyle mag? Heinous! I’ve never seen her look SO terrible, poor lass.

  40. 'Mela

    Hair up in a french twist.

    Lose the present necklace and earring-
    They are far too busy for the simplicity of this dress!

    Instead, get Mikimoto on the scene; a necklace of white pearls, with drop pearl earrings…

    Replace shoes with white open toed slingback alligator pumps and clutch…

    Nails natural blush pink.

    What a pretty girl she is, she doesn’t need a lot of noise, accentuate the quiet!

    • vandalfan

      Every word, so true. A single string of pearls, yes, and understated shoes, better hair, and you’ve almost got Grace Kelly style. Plus a touch more colored lip.

  41. theotherjennifer

    Girl needs a BFF to tell her that pink is for 10 year olds. That is ugly, those shoes are wretched, but her hair does look better. I would not want to stand next to Beckinsale in that travesty.

  42. Stini

    Okay, the boob cups are horrible, but it’s the HAIR. Remember when Jessica Biel used to look like this: http://fashionfeen.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/293bieljessica0629071.jpg and even this: http://i137.photobucket.com/albums/q228/overstockjeweler/JessicaBielGoldenGlobesJewelry.jpg?
    *That* girl could have pulled this dress off, boob cups and all. She’s been hiding behind that lank dark mane trying to pass herself off as Mila Kunis for far too long.

  43. jenny

    Replace that pink thing with a normal black dress. Then decent. I like the silver tippy nails and shoes. It’s just, she always looks like she’s trying SO HARD now, as others have said! When she was just a pretty tomboy, I had such a girl crush on her. All over.

  44. SUSAN

    Fire him Jessica you know you can do better than that. Tell him if he likes it so much then he should wear it……Just the pearls twisted around each other into a shorter necklace would have looked much better.

  45. rax

    I…hate this. It doesn’t suit her. She is so athletic, and she clearly wants to break type, but there has to be a better direction than this. I think she looks like she is wearing a dress that was picked out for a different celebrity. I hate it on her. Although it is possible BOOB CUPS are giving me unnecessary rage.

  46. Guerra

    She is very pretty with an excellent body – it should be so easy to look good!!! Why can’t she do it??

  47. Fore Accessory

    I love this outfit so nice so sweet so simply and so elegant!!!And those shoes are gorgeous!!

  48. Lilibet

    This is a dress from the Dior-by-Raf Simons collection, no? The models for that show had no breasts, they looked like very tall androgynous creatures, ones he used to use at Jil Sander. Which was peculiar because the dresses were supposed to hark back to Christian Dior’s The Look of the 1950s (hourglass figures with feminine small waists and full skirts). Which was all wrong and everyone thought it was fabulous! And here we are with Jessica Biel. I guess I don’t understand fashion any more.

  49. Sajorina

    I love the hair, the makeup, the jewelry, the nailpolish, the clutch & the shoes! All FAB!!! Plus, the color of the dress is divine! But, that dress was made for someone taller & without boobs! For it to work, it had to be fitted to accommodate her boobs with some boning and chooped to under the knees to give it a 50s feel! As is, it doesn’t work & it makes me mad because it was so simple to alter it to suit her perfectly!

  50. atz

    Hate the dress and the shoes, but call me crazy… I think the rest is gorgeous! I love the jewelry and her face looks beautiful. I think a simple white or champaign colored drapey dress would have worked here.

  51. Jess

    Can I just take a moment to express how EXHAUSTED I am of this Biel-in-bridal-wear-on-the-red-carpet shenanigans since she got engaged? At least this time she was prob going for a “hmmm let’s see how this could work for a bridesmaid” look. Get married already and wear some color again. /End of rant.

  52. Akit

    Sweet Jesus this is dire, poor love.

  53. Alli

    I do love that necklace though.

  54. Sanne

    Honestly, there’s no saving this dress. Worst Bridesmaidsdress Ever.

  55. Meg

    My “professional” recommendation: crop it to above the knee, lose the boob-cups, ditch the dangly earrings and replace with sedate studs and add a darker lipstick. The shoes can stay.