Unfug It Up: Jessica Biel


unfug-it-up

Jessica Biel’s hair and makeup people have been knocking it out lately — she’s looking truly lovely in that department, which I guess is the best revenge when you are stuck on the poster of a movie that currently ranks an anemic SEVEN PERCENT on Rotten Tomatoes.

At first I thought this dress was drab and funereal. Then I decided the sleeves and overlay on the torso were sort of pretty. And THEN, while staring at the vortex of ruffles on her skirt, I noticed a panty line. And then some thigh. And now I’m thinking this there is a tank bodysuit in play here. It’s like she was minding her own business shoveling logs into her stepmother’s kitchen fire when out of nowhere a bunch of rodents popped up and said, “Look, okay, we got your old suit from tenth-grade swim team and some lace from your haggy guardian’s insincere widow’s weeds, and so we threw them together because girlfriend you need to GO OUT and GET SOME.”

Be better mice than they were. What would you have done? I’d ditch the clutch — potentially cute, but for daytime; it’s too heavy here — and swap in fancier bangles, and then… I don’t know, NOT base the outfit around something people used to wear to jazzercise. You?

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]

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Comments (46):

  1. Big Noise
    0

    She does nothing for me. I suppose she’s pretty in a bland sort of way, but she has zero personality and nothing could ever compel me to watch anything she’s in. And that dress is doing her no favors.

    • TaraMisu
      0

      Agreed. I don’t get her appeal….. she is very vanilla.

      I like the sleeves but that’s it.

      • Karen
        0

        Looking at her face in this photo, I finally realized what she reminds me of: one of those police sketch artist composites of a “pretty girl.” Everything is regular and symmetrical and utterly uninteresting.

      • ChristopherD
        0

        Sleeves sort of cute I agree, otherwise this outfit is not WORTH saving.

      • Emma
        0

        Yes, she’s weirdly symmetrical and immobile.

    • Miranda
      0

      I think she is legitimately beautiful, but that has little bearing on my feelings about her as a human. And on that score, her incredibly boring and increasingly pathetic lack of personality, will, or dignity have caused me to put her at the top of my Extremely Short List of Famous People I Can’t Stand.

  2. annieD
    0

    I’d promptly cut the dress above the knee, making sure to put some lining under that thing to cover up her drawers. I think the sleeves and the bodice are really pretty.

  3. Caity
    0

    Wear the upper “bodysuit” with a plain black pencil skirt, to show off her amazing figure. Add Kate Mara’s shoes from earlier, and some color into her jewelry.

    • Dazie
      0

      This- a nice skirt would help.

      Other than that- I don’t know what could help. I’m not a fan of hers or of her dress so…

      • lc
        0

        I agree a black pencil skirt, that lank tiered thing can go into the trash to never see the light of day again. A nice pair of wide legged black pants would be a great look too.

    • Amanda
      0

      That’s exactly what I was thinking. It would look great like that.

    • Claire L
      0

      YES! Thanks for saving me the typing!

  4. Karen
    0

    I’ve found her basically loathesome since her “7th Heaven” days (which, I promise you, I only watched in order to enjoy the evisceration on TWoP), so her elevation to Sexiest Woman in the Galaxy, or whatever, has been mystifying and really, really irritating. I am so over her overbite.

    And I don’t think she dresses that well, either. This is a case in point. The lace overlay–yeah, that’s nice. Especially the sleeves. But it looks like it’s attached to something you’d pick up in a thrift shop.

    Specifically: WHAT is going ON at the waist? Why does it ploof out like that under the seam? At the very least it needs a belt or something–it just looks unfinished. And at best it needs to be completely altered to, oh, actually fit her body.

    And do I espy white shoes through that skirt? Geez cabeez, what IS her damage??

    • Big Noise
      0

      Maybe the shoes are silver? I’m trying to find some goodness in that outfit, and that’s a tough task.

  5. Eva
    0

    I would make the skirt knee-length and add some lining and cuter shoes and purse (maybe silver or other color, not black). The rest I think is pretty.

  6. vandalfan
    0

    Add an inch to the bodice seams and drop the waistline to her actual waist to alleviate the too small, too tight appearance. Line the flippin’ leg curtains, and turn that horrid horizontal mourning lace sideways, so the stripes are at least vertical, or better yet on a bias, to match the bodice.

  7. Julia
    0

    Keep the top half of the overlay as-is, but meld it into the bottom half more smoothly, so that it flows, not bunching out around her waist. Then replace the underlayer with a full-length version in bright blue, so that the overall effect is that the dress appears a rich royal blue. Then add a silver clutch, some sparkly-er bangles (silver, rather than gold), and… hmm, I’m stumped on the shoes. Don’t want to go too matchy-matchy, so maybe some shoes in a rich plum color?

    • Eliza Bennett
      0

      Julia, your version sounds prettttttyyy. I wish there were some sort of Unfug app where people could type in changes to a dress and see what it would look like.

  8. Jasmine
    0

    I love this dress above the waist– it’s so pretty and detailed– but it was a total scrolldown Fug for me. I would chop it to just above the knee and make it more fitted, and add a punchy shoe. I also agree about the clutch; it has to go.

  9. KSCnCA
    0

    Remove the skirt and extend the top down to a couple inches above the knees – and add additional fabric to make it slightly looser so she doesn’t look poured into it. Shoes and bag could be a jewel tone or silver.

  10. Caroleena Stantonova
    0

    She has such a stunning body and lovely face. And her hair looks aaaaaamazing–all healthy & shiny. But this costume is ooky.

  11. perletwo
    0

    The first thing I’d do before I even touched the dress is put her hair up. That lace on the neck and sleeves needs a sort of Gilded Age treatment in hair and jewelry. I’m with everyone who says cut the skirt way shorter and underline it.

  12. Emster
    0

    Ditch and start over.

  13. ortenzia
    0

    i’m with you perletwo, the hair needs to go up.

    i’m with julia as well, the seam between the bodice and skirt is terrible and lumpy. the bottom should definitely be cut at the knee as well.

    as for styling, i think the whole outfit needs to work more with the awesomeness going on the shoulders – maybe some funky, high peeptoes, a big colorful ring and same-color earrings once her hair is up.

  14. Sandala
    0

    Didn’t Reese Witherspoon wear something like that on top to a Oscar, and it was divine which it is NOT here. Amen all 7th Heaven comments, loathed that show that I watched with my 12 year old. Blech.

  15. Sandra
    0

    Take her shopping somewhere other than Mold ‘n Mildew R Us?

  16. Donna
    0

    I’d remove Jessica Biel. It would probably look pretty good after that.

    • el
      0

      SO true. Her outfit is as depressing as her career/ lovelife/ personality…

  17. Bob Stanley
    0

    It’s simple. She needs some ‘young’ accessories and styling — go a touch Tween Goth.

  18. anonymoose
    0

    Did she dip the bottom half of her hair into some bronze paint? Bad dye job (or very awkward grow-out, which should be styled in a tousled updo instead to hide to glaring color difference), BORING BLAH makeup, (boring blah face but she can’t really help that or can she?), and that dress is a DUD.

    Are the tier/ruffles of lace in the skirt as uneven as they appear to be (as though a visually-impaired seamstress sewed them together in the dark, by feel)? The skirt doesn’t lay right. The direction of the lace fabric should at least have been cut to flatter a woman’s figure….

  19. emwhist
    0

    Waist-down is a hot mess… I think her upper half looks great. Maybe a knee-length pencil skirt instead of the messy peasant blah, add some hot shoes and ditch the boring clutch.

  20. Carol
    0

    The dark side of the folk rock scene …

  21. Ubik
    0

    It’s probably just my monitor, but her eyebrow color seems off to me somehow – maybe too yellow? I’ve been noticing this on people lately, it’s a hard thing to get right if you do have to darken them.

  22. Sweet Dee
    0

    leave your opinions on the woman aside please, HELP HER GET DRESSED. if you can afford not to please stop styling yourself! we need a hot tight mini on the bottom, maybe leather? maybe red? key words, tight hot mini. And some nice shoes that are NOT plain black pumps.

  23. kiki
    0

    I actually think I would love this dress if it wasn’t on *her*. On someone with a more willowy body I think it would look very delicate and pretty (Biel has a great bod but she’s more athletically built and to me this just looks mega awkward, like when that one tomboy friend of yours would show up in a super frilly dress her mom picked out for picture day).

    Also is it just me or does her head look absolutely MASSIVE in this photo?

  24. kiki
    0

    To expand, because I was finally able to look at it longer now that I’ve gotten her massive head off my chest (kinky): picture this on, like, Mary Kate Olsen? Perfection. It’s just NOT Biel’s style at all. Lately she seems to be trying to project this more high-fashion, mature-serious-actress image and I really don’t think anyone is buying it. She is gorgeous, but maybe it’s time to go back to television.

  25. Emma
    0

    I quite like the dress, although cocktail length would be better. I just wish I couldn’t see her underpants through it.

  26. Christa
    0

    Shorter skirt–she’s got the legs for it–fun silver jewelry. The top is really pretty on this dress.

  27. nobody much
    0

    the only place a sheer skirt is appropriate is at the beach, over a swimsuit. and even then it’s iffy. go up a size on the top of the dress, I think I’d like the sleeves if they fit.

  28. Colleen
    0

    Drop the waist (so the skirt bumps out at her hips – y’know, where the body naturally bumps out?) and get her a slip. There! Way better.

  29. ccm800
    0

    Fire! Just for a moment set her on fire – see if she is not relentlessly boring still.

  30. phatmcat
    0

    Frumptastic.

  31. Rubee
    0

    I think either this dress was wrongly fitted, either it is meant to be worn by a woman with tinier waist and hips in proportion to bust. See how the bodice is perfect while the torso looks squashed? And even if the skirt is ruffled, there’s no much room for hips. A larger size would have ruined the bodice and lacy hem effect. I would make the dress knee lenght and line the skirt .

  32. Megaera919
    0

    I would take off the bottom half of each sleeve, the first ruffle at the waist, the bottom two ruffles, then I would experiment with a couple of soft squishy belts in an unexpected color or a metallic if Rachel Z. would let me into her secret treasure cave. If none of that worked.l definitely call it quits and beg Rachel for a loaner.I think I hate those shoes.