“… and so this one chicken in my coop doesn’t trust me, right, and she won’t LISTEN to me and she just GLARES at me and it’s so IMPUDENT and I really think sometimes she’s plotting to kill me, okay, so I was RIGHT in the middle of sitting on her to show her who’s boss — do you KNOW how long it takes to force a chicken under your buttocks and get it to understand you mean business? — and my agent called and was like, ‘Frances, you’re supposed to be at the Tonys,’ and I was like, ‘But Colonel Ann Landers is JUST about to learn the lesson of her lifetime,’ and he was like, ‘Get there, I don’t care if you have chicken feed in your hair,’ so I was like, ‘Fine, dude, but if she’s still giving me this kind of attitude tomorrow I am going to make you rub bruise cream on my derriere YOURSELF.”