The Fuglient List


I can only hope and pray that Jennifer Love Hewitt’s I’m A Recessionista Massage-Therapist Hooker will provide me ample photographs of her in ridiculous happy-ending outfits, so that we can talk some more about how bad-awesome that movie no doubt is. Seriously, it’s been a while since Lifetime ponied up a really earnest movie that made me laugh and laugh. Too long, in fact. In the meantime, though, all I have of J.Lo.Hew is this:

[Photo: WENN.com]

The summer dress is fine and all, but how do we feel about the matching shoes? Personally, I tend to leave the dyed-to-match concept where it belongs — at weddings, and even that is a bit of a head-scratcher — so it bugs me to see a neon dress with neon shoes that are trying SO HARD to be an exact color match. It’s a lot of hot pink, to the point where the entire effect switches from “bright and summery” to “please slather that poor sunburned girl in some aloe.” Also, the yellow toenail polish makes it look like she’s urinated on her toes. But technically we’re not talking about that right now; we’re supposed to stay on the topic of whether J.Lo.Hew botched the footwear portion of today’s program, and if I digress again, Intern George is going to point a hose full of poison at me (so, Diet Pepsi) and fire away until I learn to stay in line.
* Comments are now properly open. Why do they never open when I tell them to? WHY GOD WHY. The end.

** To address a debate in the comments: The dress is not a romper. I checked before I posted the picture. I would NEVER ignore a romper, this I swear to you.
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Comments (89):

  1. rachel
    0

    maybe it’s the angle, but that looks more like a romper than a dress. which makes it about 50% worse.

  2. Bren
    0

    I’d love to see it paired with a nude pump, Nude pumps are amazing, they make your legs look ten thousand miles long AND they coordinate with nearly everything without being as harsh as a black pump.

  3. Jennifer
    0

    I agree with Rachel. Looks like a romper to me too. Frankly, the shoes are the least of her problem. This outfit if fug.

  4. Anonymous
    0

    She looks like a Barbie. Complete with matching shoes and detachable head. Her face is way too light.

  5. Kristie
    0

    Are we 100% sure this isn’t a romper? I’m not saying it definitely is, but it looks suspicious. I also don’t like what the length combined with the prom-dress shoes is doing to her legs.

  6. Jennie-Suz
    0

    Not only does it look like a romper, but her legs look squat in this picture for some reason. It could be the excess of pink in the “outfit” and the show. I agree with Bren: nude pumps could improve this indefinitely.

  7. M.Amanda
    0

    Nude shoes.

    And I’m thinking romper, which means no shoe could save it.

    Actually, I think it gets a No just for the possibility of it being mistaken for a romper.

  8. Ann
    0

    I usually don’t comment much, but those shades hanging off her front look really tacky. Better she should put them on top of her head. Something about that just bugs me. P.S. Shoes are awful.

  9. Laura
    0

    I share the “is this a romper” concerns, which render the shoes pretty insignificant.

  10. Sara
    0

    The shoes are awesome.

    It’s the dress that needs to go!

  11. mel
    0

    I vote that it’s a romper. The shoes aren’t doing her legs (stumpy) and feet (squished) any favors — zoom in for a scary look at her yellow toenails. Yikes!

  12. GFY Heather
    0

    The dress is not a romper — I checked before posting the picture. It’s a skirt for sure.

  13. KristanC
    0

    I’m glad that others are questioning whether this is a dress or, indeed, as I fully believe it is, a romper.

    Either way – this is a cheap hot pink that doesn’t do many people any favors. Dress, romper, shoes – I guess the only thing good about it is that there’s so little of it.

  14. KristanC
    0

    Ah, cross-post with Heather. Thanks for checking.

    My opinion about the hot pink still stands.

  15. Sandra
    0

    She’s a wee tiny little thing and this get-up makes her look box-shaped. How do they *do* that?? The dress/romper question is trending in the romper direction, which is an automatic fail. I might not hate the pinkitude of the shoes so much if they didn’t have that mutant ankle strap. Yeah, I have to tie my shoes on to my feet to keep them there, too. But not so that they cut your legs off, honey.

  16. Jenn
    0

    I agree wholeheartedly with Sara. The shoes are rockin, the dress is horrible!

  17. Bittter B
    0

    Lose the romper, keep the stompers.

  18. Kitty
    0

    I’m kind of loving the shoes actually. But that dress is really awful. The color of it, in theory, is fine but, my real problem is the material. Is it rayon? It looks so incredibly cheap.

  19. Tracey
    0

    As someone said above, even if it’s not a romper, it looks like one so it’s a fail regardless of shoe selection. It just doesn’t work.

  20. M
    0

    I love the color of the dress and think it’s looks really good on her. I just really don’t like the length of the dress matched with the style of the shoes (the color of the shoes is a big no but that’s besides my point); women shouldn’t wear shoes that strap around the ankle when they want to lengthen their legs. I’m short and I love me some ankle straps but use them with caution. These shoes are making her look like she has really fat ankles (not cankles, just really thick) and is super stumpy.

  21. Ripley
    0

    Whole deal is pretty tacky but if you’re going to go all matchy-matchy then do the toenails the same color. Plus, it sure does look like a romper and her legs seem heavy. Also, go for a more natural hair color.

  22. Lulubelle
    0

    She’s very long-waisted, so her legs always look short to me in photos. Plus there’s just something about the way she stands in high heels that always makes her stance look stripper-ish/Playboy-ish to me, in an unconfortable way instead of a good way. She’s not one of those women who look classy in high heels, for some reason, although she’d definitely be stumpy in flats. Plus her shoes always look like 1980′s prom shoes to me (I owned these in burgundy leather in 1983).

    p.s. She should’ve gone for anything sandally in a nice nude, silver, or gold.

  23. zandra
    0

    I love brights, but something about the blousey style of that dress makes that hot pink look so cheap.

    As for the shoes, the matchy-matchy color is a seriously bad choice. Even more importantly, JLH (like Alicia Keys, who has similarly sturdy gams) should avoid ankle straps like the plague.

  24. Mel
    0

    The dress doesn’t do her any favors… and neither do the shoes. They look like dye-ables (and why wear those if you’re not being forced to by a psychotic bride?).

    Unfortunately, she is one of those people who just should not wear shoes that cut off her ankles. I am one too, and I empathize with her, but if I can figure it out, then she should definitely know better. Definitely 100% agreement with those posters who suggested metallic sandals instead!

  25. Kris
    0

    If it were a knee length skirt (and a little more formal), the shoe STYLE would be fine. Shorter skirts with shoes like that do end up looking stripperish.

    And NEVER do yellow toe nails. ULGCH.

  26. Adrian
    0

    Lord, this poor girl. She just can NEVER get it right, the desperation just oozes from her. Scrap the dress and the shoes, I think and just start over.

    And I agree, yellow toenails are just never good. It brings to mind that cartoon nail fungus commercial, and well, I feel certain that was not her aim.

  27. kary
    0

    To me, the biggest sin committed by the shoes is that they don’t do her legs any favors. I KNOW she’s not chunky in any way, but the length of the dress and the ankle strap are making her legs look heavy. Bottom line…I could live with the matchy-matchy if they were more flattering to her lower half.

  28. Cristina
    0

    I’m with all the people who say the shoes are fine but that Malibu Barbie wants her shapeless, rayon, elastic-waist dress back.
    And why not just tape a sign to your chest that says “See my boobs! No bra! Look at my boobs”? That would be a little more subtle than slinging glasses to your cleavage.

  29. Saffron
    0

    I love the dress because it gives me fond flashbacks of the 80s when neon and Wham! were in fashion. Frankie says a cute silver metallic flat sandal would have been better. Or, go full-on and wear matched pink pumps, white bobby socks and a bunch of pink and white rubber bracelets, and lace fingerless gloves.

    I am now off to relive my Madonna wannabe years.
    Zima, anyone?

  30. Zandra
    0

    Hold the phone: I just zoomed in. It’s worse than I thought.

    We need to address the neon-yellow French tips. Together with the truly crappy fabric of the dress (is it acetate? It looks like a shower curtain), the mirrored aviators hooked on the front, the giant hoop earrings and the too-dark, heavy-banged hair, I think we’ve gone into Jersey Shore territory.

  31. kary
    0

    OMG, I just noticed the neon yellow tips on her manicure. No no no no NO. I kind of like the yellow on her toes, but on her tips? NO!! Ricky-tiki-TACKY!!

  32. Cristina
    0

    PS Does anybody here subscribe to the no-super-high-heels-with-mini-skirts rule? I somehow acquired this rule in the 80′s and still stick to it.
    Whether I’m a prude or not, the combo of boobs/legs/supersexathon shoes looks strippery to me.

  33. Em C
    0

    The shoe is bad. To me, the color is heinous, but the worst part are the ankle straps that make her legs look cankle-y. Close inspection shows she does not have cankles, but why strap on a shoe that gives the illusion of them? She needs better girlfriends.

  34. grace
    0

    Oh dear. From one thin-girl-with-thick-legs to another, let me share this piece of advice: PANTS. That is all.

  35. Karen
    0

    Well, I too had a suspicion that that was a romper, so thanks for the update. I admit that the only thing that made me think it WASN’T a romper was your lack of observations on same. I would never believe you could restrain yourself from comment on such a thing.

    That being said, I’m having a hard time getting past the “looks like she urinated on her toes” comment.

    But, if I have to say anything, I’d say that owning a pair of stilettoes in hot pink is reason enough for fug. And this is made worse by my belief that she DIDN’T do enough to make them match her romper (all RIGHT: sundress), so we’re dealing with mismatched hot pink, which is several shades of heinous.

    That, and it’s a terrible photo that makes her look stump-legged. Which makes me wonder if we should really be fugging the paparazzo instead of J.Lo.Hew.

  36. Kirsti
    0

    The matchy matchy is bad enough but they are fancy strappies with a very casual dress(not romper). Non-matching and flats would look so much cooler.

  37. Jill
    0

    I can’t tell if it’s the cut of the dress, the ankle straps on the shoes, the angle of the photo, or some combination of all of this; but something’s making her legs and ankles look funky. I agree with all the nude pump comments. The color is cute on her, though.

  38. Jennifer
    0

    Ankle straps only look good on about 3% of women. JLH isn’t one of these women. She has too much money to look this bad.

  39. SAMARA
    0

    I, personally, am very much in favour of matching one’s shoes to one’s… well, everything. HOWEVER. These shoes are miserable. The colour is fine, but come now.

  40. Share
    0

    Keep the shoes, get rid of the rest of it.

  41. Lisa
    0

    I agree with the posters who have said the dress is more problematic than the shoes. That being said, if we have to keep the ill-cut wanna-be-a-romper dress, I’d match it with a silver heel. But WITHOUT ankle straps, for the aforementioned reasons.

  42. Anonymous
    0

    uG. Please let the nude shoe thing die out. Those are hideous.

    I’d throw out this whole package. Dress looks like a romper and is too pink. Shoes scream “Bridesmaid Barbie.” Poor thing deserves better than this.

  43. Elaine
    0

    Her feet are too short for heels that high; it shoves her heel into her ankle, creating a blog that’s further emphasized by the straps. The shoes that achieve height via a combination of heel and front platform were made for people with small feet. Re this outfit, a strappy metallic sandal would have worked and helped her look like she was having fun, not looking for a good time.

  44. Elaine
    0

    Oops! It should be “blob,” not “blog:” Her feet are too short for heels that high; it shoves her heel into her ankle, creating a blob that’s further emphasized by the straps.

  45. sylvia
    0

    I am a huge fan of yellow nail polish because it’s such a burst of color, but I didn’t even notice it was there until you pointed it out (that’s how bright the rest of the ensemble is!)

  46. lou
    0

    The shoes are too serious for the outfit. She looks kinda kicky in the pink skorts/jumper/whatever, and the sandals should have been similarly fun. Her hair looks a tad suspect; I prefer the lighter colour. (And it looked a bit like she might be wearing panty hose in this pic. Maybe that’s the yellow nailpolish?)

    Boil me in oil, but I’d prefer she didn’t wear short things. Again, for me, it’s about dressing to accentuate the positive and downplay the negative.

  47. guest72
    0

    Trouble is, it just looks cheap. The shoes are just too too much, the fabric looks like acetate? rayon? and the overall look just fails.

  48. Carolina Girl
    0

    Why does an otherwise pretty girl with a smoking hot body insist on wearing shoes that make her look like she’s got a leg transplant from Hilary Clinton? Every time I see her, she’s is some super high shoes that do her legs no favors whatsoever. She needs a really good gay friend to point out that she is not Gwenyth Paltrow and cannot pull off anything with an ankle strap.

    Also, the pedicure is awful.

  49. Camille
    0

    I wish this was a romper. Then this wouldn’t be so boring. I know the fug girls (and apparently a lot of their readers) hate the romper and pants suit, mostly with good reason, but she would look less like a sorority girl on a Friday night prowl if this was a romper.

  50. Blanche
    0

    I found the shoes that could have made us all look past even an acetate faux-romper that she wore because she needed the cheery color punch, given the frustrations attendant upon not exactly being able to secure the choicest of Hollywood roles:

    http://www.thesartorialist.com/photos/62110GoldBlu_5157Web.jpg

    Do the purifying shoes in the above photo link both mock my lowly income constraints and violate my anti-stiletto rule? Yes of course they do. But if loving these Bottega Venetas is wrong, I do not want to be right.

  51. Mjx
    0

    Frankly, given a far more tragic decision made here, I couldn’t care less about the shoes.
    The really serious problem is that the girl really hasn’t got great legs, although she does have a great upper body. And by ‘does not have great legs’, I don’t mean that they’re not thin enough (I think they’re just fine on that front), or that they aren’t 20-year old legs, but simply that their shape, particularly that of the calves, is not that fantastic, and she’d be much better off wearing something that shows off her neck, shoulders, arms, and back, but comes a little below knee-length.

    Accentuate the positive, right?

  52. Sajorina
    0

    The dress and shoes are fine… my problem is with the long black hair extensions, the yellow nail polish and the Top Gun sunglases!!!

  53. vandalfan
    0

    (Ditto to The Sartorialist!) And this is no good, top to bottom. Her hair looks fake, too shiny and jet black. Her makeup is too heavy for such a light summer sundress, as is her spray tan and those aggressive shoes which, though nice, do NOT go with this look, even though the colors match.

  54. Gabby
    0

    The whole thing is a “no” really. On the other hand she is in excellent camoflage if she needs to invade barbie world to steal the camper. I always wanted BArbies camper so GO J.Lo.Hew! Go!

  55. musing
    0

    Hello, 1995. All that’s missing is loud floral print and a Blossom hat. Very bad.

  56. justme
    0

    This is okay, but it would be better if she would:

    1. swap her shoe color and toenail color

    and 2. lose the ankle-straps on the shoes

  57. Lizzie
    0

    I don’t know how formal an event she’s at, but wedge sandals would probably be just fine with this dress, no? Also, I probably wouldn’t have noticed the yellow polish if you hadn’t told me. But now that I can see it, I HATE it.

  58. anon
    0

    Those are some UGLY toenails. They look deformed. Or something. I don’t mind the dress, though it does look flimsy and cheap, like it came from H&M or Target.

  59. Jenny
    0

    perhaps in theory it is not a romper, but it might as well be. That is the worse crime here. Once you’re in hot pink I-might-as-well-be-a-romperville, matching your shoes is just gravy.

  60. KateS
    0

    that outfit is bad taste from hair to toe (literally) – go home and start again, please.
    PS I’ll join the choir of stumpy-legged girls who have already pointed out that ankle-straps are not for you, JLH.

  61. exquisite red
    0

    Yes, start again, J.Lo.Hew…she really has a knack for making a great figure look dumpy. She & J.Simp should have a “We really have way-better-than-average bodies but nobody would know it, w/ the way that we dress ourselves!” party. I don’t really like her in general, but I gotta feel for a gal who gets called “fat” when she’s slimmer than the majority of the population. But she isn’t helping at all w/ this look.

    Dress is awful. Color is fine (I couldn’t pull it off, but good on her), just needs a completely different shape. No matchy shoes & not w/ an ankle strap. I agree w/ someone else up there who suggested a nude pump…help lengthen those legs out!

  62. srebra
    0

    first of all this is a romper! Hot pink, with shitty cut and shoes that would match anything else but that! She cannot pull this off to save her life!
    About the yellow polish – I am wearing yellow on my toes AND fingers! I have been looking for the right yellow shade for months and I love how it looks on me – but then again I am 25 and she isn’t, so for her that would be a no no….

  63. Etiana
    0

    Yup, head to toe fugness.

  64. V for Vienetta
    0

    CANKLES!

    Also fug girls, this has been a long time coming but please consider putting a comments section for every picture. As you can clearly see, your readers are brimming with opinions THAT ABSOLUTELY HAVE to be shared with the world.

  65. iRenew
    0

    Her matching shoes are adding charm to her personality. Her get up would have been much better with lighter hair.

  66. Lisa F
    0

    I don’t mind the shoes overmuch, but I think the outfit would have done better with a different color…something like a shocking lime green with a purse to match? I do think she needs to go back to the lighter hair, though.

  67. L
    0

    Hot pink heels are never ever ever a good idea, ever. They always manage to make peoples feel look fat and piggy, and often cankly, and middle-age-bimbo-y.

  68. Blanche
    0

    V FOR VIENETTA: Don’t you ever feel just a shade sorry for the Fugly girls? Not much. Just a shade. I mean, here are all these random people, from mostly around the US but also the world, who like to both read good writing and make aesthetic decisions without hurting innocents’ feelings. Heather and Jessica, who are writers, realized this, for which you have to give them credit. So they give us some wacky and some pretty pictures, and some rather high-quality, witty writing (given the limitations of the genre, and that this blog happens almost every week day), which alone is nice…And then on top of it, now and then they let us air our opinions, no matter our mood on any particular day (which can sometimes get really crabby), and no matter that most of us do not give reciprocal attention to the quality of the writing we share.

    As one compulsive Fugpinionator, I can see why there is a limit on the peanut gallery (including me) in this venue. And I’m personally glad for it. Because, off the Interwebs, we all have a lot of life to lead. Enthusiasm to channel productively. Crabbiness to get over. Etcetera.

  69. Anika
    0

    What is the thing in her chest? It looks …gold?

    No really, what is that?

    This is just NO whatever shoes she wears.

  70. JLevack
    0

    The outfit is bad enough, but have you seen the (photoshopped) ad for this movie? OMG she looks possessed – more possessed than on the Ghost Whisperer, where she was ~supposed~ to be.
    She’s a trainwreck, but I can’t help it — there’s something endearing about her.

    nb: the ad I saw was in People Magazine. Take special care to note how her eyes are looking two different ways at once and just seem… well, off.

  71. Anne B
    0

    Consider this not a Fug, but rather an Ode:

    ODE TO THE VIRTUES OF MOVING THE HELL ON

    Come, sweet J-Lo-Hew, while the sun yet is bright on the smog-kissed foothills of the land. Come: Explore the low-lit hues and silky textures of the Women’s Department.

    Forsake thy hot-pink for rose! Thy ankle straps for smooth nude leather! Thy romper for a more mature pencil skirt!

    Come, for thou art no longer young. As all the world, with its color and offspring and oil spills, swings past thee, does the truth of this never strike? That there are other ways to dress, to stand, to get thy nails done, to smile? That the time to “Look Into Pants” may be nigh?

    We extend our hand. We shall not wait forever.

  72. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    My Lord what is that golden thing between her chests? I’m glad she’s happy about whatever it is….

  73. Janellionaire
    0

    Anne B, I am so glad that I didn’t give up, and read all the way to the end of the comments, unlike some people who are still screaming, “ROMPER!!”

    Blanche, I have to wonder if there would be quite so many comments on all the pictures if it were available on all of them. Maybe we just get excited at the opportunity to SHARE (picture that with a rainbow behind it, I am) our opinions when given the rare opportunity.

  74. Ariel
    0

    Not only is the outfit horrendous, but…the fact that the nail polish is a bright, ghastly yellow against that hot pink ensemble is one thing BUT the fact that she has bright yellow TIPS is just wow, and in a really awful way.

    And honey if you’re wearing a dress and it really looks like rompers, then you’re doing it wrong.

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    The 66-year-old Garrett has been the Trojans’ athletic director for 17 years, but he received caustic criticism for his handling of USC’s scandals. The school didn’t say whether Garrett retired or had been fired.

    Both Garrett and Haden are former USC football players. Garrett won the Heisman Trophy in 1965, while Haden was the Trojans’ starting quarterback for three years in the 1970s under coach John McKay.

  76. Miss Paaj
    0

    The gloriously terrible movie is available to watch online, and does indeed contain “happy-ending outfits.” It really is a treat!

    http://www.mylifetime.com/watch-full-movies-online/the-client-list

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