The Fugp/Fug or Fab: Jessica Chastain


Love the hair, love the face, love that you know starting with a compliment like that means the rest of this post is going to take a sad turn.

Tyra Banks would say, “Wah-waaaah.” Well, she only said that once, but it was memorable, and apt. And that’s how I feel about this. I don’t mind a silvery spring-green motif, but the execution is so meh: The drop-waisted cut is blah on her body, the hemline is feh, the shoes are too matchy and flarghl, and now I’m just making up words for mediocrity that are themselves mediocre. I’m stuck in a vortex of vanilla, a hum-drum hell-spiral. As Jessica recently noted of Mila Kunis, best to get the flops out of the way when the spotlight isn’t as hot, so let’s hope Chastain is just expending some wardrobe leftovers and is saving the good stuff for Sunday. Although is it wrong that I hope she’s saving something cockamamie? Nothing personal, Jessica. I like pretty, but I love nonsense.

And of course, not long after I wrote up this outfit, Jessica stepped out in something else:

I thought it was going to be all sedate, and then boom, New Year’s Eve at the Moulin Rouge happened on her pelvis. I quite like the effect, though I’m still  unsure about the length — on girls who aren’t eleven feet tall, I always question whether the below-the-knee hemlines are hit them in the most flattering spot. And I really do not like the shoes — they just seem so heavy with an already busy gown. They’re clodhoppers. I don’t know what I’d put there INSTEAD, though — maybe the shoes from the other outfit? Or are those too sparkly? Either way, these seem very 1997, and not in a way that I’m anxious to revisit. Not that there’s very much about 1997 that’s begging for a callback. Certainly not my eyebrows or my jeans rise, or any khakis sold by The Gap.

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[Photos: Getty]

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Comments (45):

  1. Colleen

    Hate the first look, like the second. Someone needs to hire a new stylist.

  2. Lion

    First outfit is bad – it makes her look fat and as if she was trying to be fresh and springy, in vain. Finger nails should never be darker than toe nails. Second dress is nicely mad, hair is good and I agree that it needs a different shoe. Maybe simple black stiletto?

  3. Judy

    The second look is gorgeous!! The hem lengh is just right too. She should really wear more stronger colours, it suits her, I think.

  4. vandalfan

    Both are off, though her hair and face are much better in #2. The first look is a contender for Fug Madness all by itself. Both pair of shoes need to go back to her Mie-maw.

  5. Gigi

    It’s like the first dress put on the 10 pounds that the second dress lost. Second dress for the win – plus, what great hair and makeup and all in the spirit of the dress! Yay, Jessica! (And congratties on the award!)

  6. Galina

    What the what is going on with her hair here? It looked so pretty and shinny with the first outfit and it looks like there’s something nesting in it in the second, eiikk!

  7. Emily

    That first dress makes her look like she’s about to perform a lyrical dance for a high school talent show.

  8. Jamie

    She definitely needs to work on the mani-pedi combos. I’m not saying they have to match, but you can’t just slap some red polish on your toes and forget about them.

    The second dress… maybe take the hem up about 2 inches and pair it with a simple black satin peep-toe d’orsay pump. The combination of the longer hem and the strap cutting across her foot really stumpifies her.

  9. Alicia

    Slap some fairy wings on the back of the first dress, give her a sparkly wand, and it looks like my fairy halloween costume when I was five.

  10. Carol

    First ensemble is just a wreck … no way to make that flattering … second dress I like … I would have extended some of the Moulin Rouge fancywork to the bodice and I’d pair it with strappy red heels … hair in #2 is all off-putting … looks like she’s rising from her sickbed …

  11. TaraMisu

    The first look is awful. It makes her look square and heavy, of which I’m sure she is neither.
    The second is much, much better, except for the shoes, yikes. I think someone mentioned a classic pump…. I think that would look fab and wouldn’t detract from the dress.

  12. Jasmine

    Man that girl can rock a red lippy like nobody’s business. The first dress actually made me cringe and say “GAH!” out loug, and the second one made me smile… until I hit the shoes. There’s something off about them, but I don’t know how to fix them. Maybe a fun red peeptoe? Or one the colour of dark champers? I don’t know. Jessica Chastain, stop being so pretty.

  13. Sandra

    The first is obviously her practice-wear for double run-throughs of her Short Dance routine with The Green Man. The second dress is rockin’, but she forgot to comb her hair after she left the ice.

  14. melanie

    Color me crazy, but I love both of them.

    • lisas

      Yeah I don’t have the negative reaction to the first one either. There’s something about it that makes me think it’s probably lovely when it’s moving. But mostly I think it’s just not quite the right time of year. This dress is not suitable for a winter event. Also I agree the shoes stink and she should have worn jewels. I have no opinion on the mani-pedi.

      • GFY Heather

        I just think the SHAPE of it is off on her. It might be a fine dress, but the torso part packs ten pounds on her that she doesn’t have.

      • Kat

        Agreed. I think the fabric is very cool and mermaid-esque… I think she just needs something more structured. It definitely adds weight to her that she doesn’t have.

  15. Anne B

    Am I nuts, or is there some greeny business going on with the torso area of Disco Tanksuit, Jessica’s Look #1?

    The second look isn’t much better. If there still exists a Trapp Family Singers, I very much doubt the look they’re going for is Salzburg After Dark.

  16. missmare

    I think you nailed it with changing to the shoes from the first pic. well-played!

  17. Annie E

    Dropped waists are evil for most people. The second dress is wonderful. If I could only give her one tip for the Globes, it would be to focus on her waist, collarbones, and cheekbones.

  18. witjunkie

    The first dress isn’t wonderful, but it’s still a damn sight better than that dark green paneled thing she wore for the last post, which put on an extra 50 lbs. instead of only 20.

    I like the second dress a lot but would have liked her hair down, or looser, with those shoulders.

  19. Katherine

    Love the second dress, but my lord the first makes her look chunky. Which she obviously isn’t (see second dress).

  20. Lindy

    “Wah-waaaah”, indeed! But, Tyra says that all the time!

  21. Gina

    Am I the only one that thinks the entire top half of the 2nd dress looks awkward and ill fitting?

    • Shannon

      No, I’m 100% with you. It’s not good. The straps are awful and the bodice is wrinkly — it also seems to be bunching at the sides. Perhaps that’s simply the fabric, but I don’t enjoy it.

    • Halo

      I’m with you, too. It looks cheap, to boot.

    • NYCGirl

      I thought the same. Do love the embroidery, though.

  22. marie

    sigh..she really needs to work on her choices but i just cant hate on her, not after reading Lainey’s piece on how she scried after Gary Oldman approached her and told her he was a fan and he thinks that she’s “wonderful.

  23. CJ

    I adore her, but everytime I see her all I can think is that she needs a new stylist.

    • Andrea

      Agreed. Even her face/hair styling has too many bad days. A girl that pretty shouldn’t consistently look so off. I do give mad props to her face and hair in the first pic though.

  24. The Other Molly

    All I can see is the sparkly shoes.
    I want them!

  25. Dani

    Love the hair and face in the first one. (Pretending the dress isn’t happening) She looks so much younger in that shot than at other recent appearences. Maybe because the makeup is softer?

  26. BigTex

    Am I crazy to think that some funky little booties would work with the second dress? Something shiny – maybe even satin?

  27. megan

    she is a pretty girl but she wears awful clothes!!! she needs a stylist asap because she has very little style – so mean! but true

  28. cstiddy

    That honeydew number made me say “BLAG” out loud, and I’m not even sure what that means.

  29. Amy

    Re: the first one… with all that blah-feh-matchy-flarghl, I think this is more of a hum-drum heck spiral…. now the HELL spiral I’d like to see.

  30. esther

    the second dress but i agree re the shoes. i think a simple black peep-toe heel would lengthen her legs and just, you know, look better in general.

  31. Sajorina

    I like the 1st outfit & I love the 2nd! I’d wear both of them happily! This is an all around FAB for me!!!

  32. ChaChaHeels

    Why does she always choose those orthopedic shoes? There is always a thick, ugly strap covering her ankle or the thickest part of that area. She’s very pretty, she’s got a great figure with some challenging proportions but inevitably she pairs everything with some version of a geriatric sandal, and it always makes her look awful. I can understand now why no design firm seems to want to lend her their clothing, it ends up being so poorly styled and I wish to god someone would coach Jessica about how to force photographers to stop shooting her from above–she always look stumpy and a little gargantuan on top.

  33. yeahandalso

    I think she should put in some butterfly clips and start singing Adia

  34. GoingLoopy

    The second dress either needs strappy metallic sandals or something red in the shoe department. The first dress needs to go back to the David’s Bridal clearance rack where it belongs.

  35. Lily1214

    Looks like a swim suit.