We’ve already discussed the atrocities of the Princess Catherine doll that Hamleys, the famed London toy store, put out a few weeks before the royal wedding. Well, you’ll be thrilled to know those people not only still work there, but have been allowed to continue sculpting rubber. Yes, for the low, low price of a hundred pounds — roughly $165 at today’s rates — you can be the appalled owner of these:
At whom are these marketed? Surely not at any of the Britons who crowded the procession route just to cheer their future monarch, and who were so proud and glowy and newly in love with the girl they’d JUST been ragging on five minutes earlier for having the audacity to be quietly patient. Surely not at any children, who would be frightened by Wills’ ghoulish visage.
No, I suspect the only people who might enjoy these dolls are William’s broken-hearted ex-flames. They’d probably enjoy playing with these, making them act out various argumentative scenarios in which, say, Wills asks Kate why her head is three times too large for her body, and Kate retorts that he’s really one to talk considering his chin-to-scalp distance is practically the size of his shin, and he’ll be all, “Why do you look like that empty chick who used to co-host Dancing With The Stars,” and she’ll go, “You’re one to talk — you look like Rob Riggle crossed with Kenneth the Page,” and he’ll be like, “MAYBE I LIKE THEM,” and she’ll say, “Maybe I do too, but not joined in some unholy cocktail where the product is some deranged-looking Val Kilmer-lookalike from way after he was hot in Top Gun but before he turned into Meat Loaf,” and then Wills will go, “Step off, woman, else I’ll tie you to that curtain with my man-sash,” and she’ll be like, “Not if I head-butt you first with my flat-as-a-mallet skull,” and then Bitter Ex-Girlfriend will make them fight so hard both their heads pop off and some local child picks them up and says, “Terrific, I needed new rugby balls,” and runs away much like this sentence has.
What I’m saying is, yikes. Can the monarchy sue?
[Photo: Splash News]
