Teen Choice Awards Bierberly Played: Bieber


“Word up, sex people. Welcome to the Bieb-0210, where we dress for the war zone that is my hotel bed — a.k.a., that place where I get out my incredibly heavy artillery and lay you down and do the things I read about in my mom’s Cosmo back issues, which I keep in a binder labeled ’50 Shades of HEYYYYYY.’ Selena is all, ‘WHAT? Nobody does that with Tabasco sauce,’ and I’m all, ‘DON’T THEY, SUGARFACE?’ and then she’s like, ‘Ugh, I need a beer,’ and I’m all, ‘GOOD ‘CAUSE PHINEAS AND FERB IS ON ANYWAY.’ Um, I mean, come and get up in my frisky business, ladygirls.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Comments (58):

  1. Katty McNiley Ripley
    0

    I just can’t with this brat. Period.

  2. Carrie
    0

    Let’s talk about Portia’s shoes instead. Need them.

    • Big Noise
      0

      Or Ellen’s shoes FTW as well.

      • Heather
        0

        Portia’s expression reads, “If this kid gets fresh with me, I will stab him with my stiletto.”

    • Erin
      0

      Thanks for that! I didn’t notice her shoes the first time around, but you’re right… They’re perfection!

    • Maretha2
      0

      And the fact that she is giving a clinic on how to wear shorts to an event like this. She and Ellen both look great.

  3. mary
    0

    the http://lesbianswholooklikejustinbieber.tumblr.com/ just crashed when this picture hit the internet.

    • witjunkie
      0

      HA you expressed perfectly what I was feeling when I saw that pic but couldn’t articulate.
      That had to have been on purpose.

  4. Other Emily
    0

    Ugh. I just do NOT get him. And I know, I am 35, so maybe I’m not even supposed to get him. But still, I just … yuck.

  5. Sandra
    0

    Granted that I was tween a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away; but what do these girls see in this kid? Do they want to grow up and have douchey boyfriends?

  6. melissa
    0

    ’50 Shades of HEYYYYYY.’…I just died! I can’t even….

    • Lindsey
      +1

      Oh my goodness, this was the best! The whole intro text is just amazing.

  7. bex
    0

    probably the funniest post ever featured on GFY i CANNOT STOP LAUGHING

  8. filmcricket
    0

    I adore that PDR looks vaguely like she’s going to be ill. I like to imagine she’s inwardly totally snarky about all the celebs Ellen has to be “friends” with, and I would love to take her out for a pint and just sit back while she lets loose on them.

    • ML
      0

      My most fervent hope is that at some point in all the photo-opping, PDR whispered “I will cut you, bitch” right in the tender young ear of Mr. Summer’s Eve.

  9. yeahandalso
    0

    I think that he isn’t going to have the staying power of a Timberlake or Usher mainly because his appeal is so obviously the sort that only applies to very young teen girls. Also he claims to be 5’7, but we all know that is Hollywood speak for 5’5″ and while that might be cute to a 12-year-old in an 18-year-old boy, in 5 years it won’t be so cute on a guy in his 20′s

    • Stefanie
      0

      Plus, he was so young when he came out everyone is going to remember him that young. When he starts singing about going down on his lady (and you know it will happen) it’s going to be extremely weird and off putting…no matter how old he is.

  10. Stefanie
    0

    Urg, this kid. I don’t understand what Selena sees in him. I love her and it pains me that she is dating him.

    • Heather
      0

      I get why he is appealing to 10-year-old girls (b/c he’s sexually harmless), but I don’t get why an adult woman (2 years’ age difference is a big deal at this age) is “dating” him. That said, they could be each other’s beards.

  11. Laucie
    0

    “Ward, I think you need to have a talk with the Bieber.”

  12. cc
    0

    How does he keep getting more and more awkward looking!??

  13. hillary l.
    0

    I feel like this kid’s career is being managed into the ground. He looks like he’s being dressed by committee, awkwardly. WHY are his managers trying to turn him into some kind of barely-legal-sex-god when 27-year-old Carly isn’t allowed to look older than 17?? WHY????

    My only hope is that at some point he’ll have some sort of Joaquin Phoenix faux-meltdown complete with beard. And THEN he’ll be interesting.

    And possibly better dressed.

  14. Billie
    +1

    I don’t know, I have a hard time hating this kid, he’s moreso amusing. Considering other ‘role models’ that are out there these days, at least he’s a good kid and just looks silly. I mean, Justin Timberlake was the IT guy in my teens, and he looked just as stupid. Let’s just hope that Beiber is smart enough to push his career the same way.

  15. christine
    0

    Bieb3PO- that’s all he’ll ever be to me now! This whole feature was hilarious.

  16. Sajorina
    0

    This is HILARIOUS!!! Both of his outfits are ridiculous, but the commentary made my day! Bravo, GFY Heather! What’s with the camouflage shirt with white pants & the Terminator/Robocop outfit?! FUG, Biebs!

    ’50 Shades of HEYYYYYY’ FTW!!! Also a good band name!

  17. CJG
    0

    Brilliant post!

  18. johnnycakes
    0

    Private Biebjamin! Love that. Also Bieb 3PO HaHa!
    Otherwise I don’t care nuthin’ ’bout this fool.

  19. Krusticle
    0

    I especially love the professional poses of all those young dance girls. Bieber Schmeiber, are my toes pointed out?

    • Heather
      0

      But their makeup, especially on the youngest/smallest one, FREAKS ME OUT.

  20. dee cee
    0

    His life is a bowl full of ‘oh the hell no” disapproval side glance wedgies.. Too Girly foo froo

  21. Paula K
    0

    After reading GFY for 4 years, you still crack me up! The “Charles in Charge” re-boot did me in- but the whole post was hilarious.

  22. JTaylo
    0

    Y’all are the perfect voice of Bieber.

  23. jenny
    0

    A ladies fitted henley and a necklace? Truly?

  24. kSto
    0

    More Bieber posts! This is right up there with the best J-Lo stories.

  25. vandalfan
    +1

    I feel sorry for this kid, who seems to be actually rather talented. He plays drums quite well. But at this rate I doubt he will ever be taken seriously as a musician or entertainer. He’s being managed to death. I can’t imagine he came up with that hair-do all by himself, or his moon-boot sneakers.

  26. Erica
    0

    Maybe –maybe– when he finally develops the ability to grow facial hair, I might be able to take him seriously.

    Not as great as Kanye Kaps, but Biebs-speak is pretty funny too.

  27. Sally
    0

    He looks so ridiculous I can’t even. I wonder if he’ll look at himself in 40 years and say, Heyyy, who the hell dressed me? And that hair — looks like Wayne Newton when he was that age singing Danke Schoen.

  28. Genesis P. Olenta
    0

    Dressing 10 years old girls like eastern prostitutes is definitely creepy. Can’t people let children BE children ?

    About the Bieb’, well, I wonder if autotune will save his life after his voice break.
    He looks as sympathetic as the willsmithkids.

  29. Mo
    +1

    He’s a douchebag, just like most other boys his age. Some grow out of it, some don’t. We’ll see with this kid. Regardless, the commentary by the girls is hilarious!

  30. ML
    0

    “Carry it on up to Waffletown” is my new Phrase That Pays.

  31. karanakau
    0

    still looks like a girl

  32. Christin
    0

    I want to know why the marker for where to stand for photographs is an arrow. Do they not know which direction to face? “Hmm. I could face all those people with cameras flashing. Or I could face this backdrop a foot away. Decisions, decisions…”

  33. Amanda in Austin
    0

    So much laughing out loud! Phineas and Ferb. Priceless.

  34. Amber
    0

    GFY Heather, I am in awe. I don’t know how you manage to do JLo, KANYE and the Biebs so perfectly, but you do. That being said, I am slightly frightened of all that must be going on in your brain. :-)

  35. Elle
    0

    I CANNOT STAND Bieber. Except for when he’s on this site, because your Bieber-speak is magic.

  36. witjunkie
    0

    I love the Bieber voice. I love all of them and always think whichever one I’m reading is my favorite, but the Bieber ones make me HOWL.

  37. cristina
    0

    “50 Shades of HEYYY” girl you are hilarious.

  38. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    I do find it somewhat disturbing that those tiny girls are wearing makeup. The bevelled feet I can sort of deal with as they’re probably dance school tots.

  39. Caroline
    0

    I thought it was Annette Bening.

  40. jlj
    0

    To be fair, this is the first pair of pants I’ve seen on him in a long time that did not make scream, “Pull up your pants, idiot!!” at the computer screen.