“Word up, sex people. Welcome to the Bieb-0210, where we dress for the war zone that is my hotel bed — a.k.a., that place where I get out my incredibly heavy artillery and lay you down and do the things I read about in my mom’s Cosmo back issues, which I keep in a binder labeled ’50 Shades of HEYYYYYY.’ Selena is all, ‘WHAT? Nobody does that with Tabasco sauce,’ and I’m all, ‘DON’T THEY, SUGARFACE?’ and then she’s like, ‘Ugh, I need a beer,’ and I’m all, ‘GOOD ‘CAUSE PHINEAS AND FERB IS ON ANYWAY.’ Um, I mean, come and get up in my frisky business, ladygirls.”

[Photos: Getty]