Fug File: Twilight

Twilight: Fugclipse

Dear Nikki Reed,

With all due respect — and all that phrase entails, AHEM — this look is like the visual definition of SHE DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH. You’re not Kristen Stewart: the Urban Outfitters-branded anti-paparazzi-riot-gear ain’t necessarily. Need proof? I just wrote this entire post referring to you Ashley Greene and only caught my mistake at the very last minute. In fact, I’m still not convinced you’re NOT Ashley Greene. Double In Fact: I DON’T EVEN THINK I KNOW WHAT YOUR FACE EVEN LOOKS LIKE.

Ergo: take off the disguise and remind the gossip bloggers what you look like, honey.



I have a lot of questions about Kellan Lutz.

The first of which is: Really?

[Photo: WENN.com]


People’s Choice Awards Well Played: Kristen Stewart

KRISTEN STEWART: Oh, God. Our category is coming up next.

ROBERT PATTINSON: Is it reeeeeally?

KRISTEN: Please don’t let us win best movie. Please. COME ON, INCEPTION.


KRISTEN: We’re up for Best Onscreen Team, too, right? I mean, that’s totally Steve Carell and Tina Fey from Date Night, hey? We aren’t even a team! We are more of… an autonomous collective.

R.PATTZ: Really!

KRISTEN: I’m going to be sick.

R.PATTZ: Ew, really?

KRISTEN: Will you stop acting like a moron?

R.PATTZ: Sorry. I just can’t believe you still can’t handle going up on stage for this stuff. We’ve only won eleventy billion of these things. And you look so nice tonight!

KRISTEN: Really?

R.PATTZ: Don’t steal my bit.


R.PATTZ: But you do. So let’s take a look. Beginning with dragging you up on stage.

KRISTEN: No. No, no, NO!

R.PATTZ: Yes, yes, yes.


Fug the Cover: Kristen Stewart

This particular publication came out last week. And in those past seven days, I sincerely hope that KStew’s legal team has explored all their options vis a vis her suing them for the pain and suffering that must have resulted from seeing that they chose to publish THIS PICTURE of her. If they’re still wondering why the long face, I suspect the answer is, “Because you decided to go with a photo of her wherein she looks stoned, greasy, and suffering from severe curvature of the spine.” DUH.


Fug or Fab: Kelly Rowland and Ashley Greene

Aside from Nikki Reed and Joe Jonas, the other two main attendees at the London Twilight premiere were Ashley Greene — which makes sense — and Kelly Rowland, which does not, particularly, except inasmuch as she’s apparently trying to get invited to everything these days as a way of reminding everyone that Destiny’s Child had THREE members, thank you very much, and Beyonce did not make them successful ALONE. So let’s start with her:

Perhaps she’s benefiting from the fact that her random-ass brown corset and black bra is seared on my brain, but I don’t hate this as much as I should, considering it looks like someone forgot to finish her under-armor protective garment. But maybe that’s just because I am amused by the idea of her starring in a movie about a warrior girl pretending to be a boy so she can fight with the knights — times were sexist back then, see — but who has to be able to slip out of her armor and into a cocktail party at a moment’s notice. Imagine the hijinks as she runs back and forth  over and over, between a meeting at the Round Table and one of Guinevere’s famous Tupperware salons.

Ashley Greene went with something a bit more basic:
Read More


Fug-or-Fab The Man Rebellion: Joe Jonas


NIKKI REED: Hey, Joe. So.. what’s up?

JOE: My TESTOSTERONE, that’s what! Check it!

NIKKI: I’d rather talk about how I look basically very nice, despite the fact that you will forget everything about this outfit in about an hour, even if you are standing next to me at the time.

JOE: Well, I’d rather talk about my soul. I have one. A DEEP one. The patch proves it.

NIKKI: Come to think of it, in an hour, will anyone remember I was in Eclipse until the next set of movies comes out?

JOE: And see this shirt? It says MAN-SWEAT. It says, “I just swung an axe at some wood for my LADY.”

NIKKI: Oh well, I’ll enjoy the free clothes and awesome parties while I can.

JOE: Did you say “man”? Because I’M HERE. LET ME SPEAK DEEPLY TO YOU.

NIKKI: … or maybe I’ll only enjoy the free clothes.