Fug File: Twilight

Fug or Fab: Kelly Rowland and Ashley Greene

Aside from Nikki Reed and Joe Jonas, the other two main attendees at the London Twilight premiere were Ashley Greene — which makes sense — and Kelly Rowland, which does not, particularly, except inasmuch as she’s apparently trying to get invited to everything these days as a way of reminding everyone that Destiny’s Child had THREE members, thank you very much, and Beyonce did not make them successful ALONE. So let’s start with her:

Perhaps she’s benefiting from the fact that her random-ass brown corset and black bra is seared on my brain, but I don’t hate this as much as I should, considering it looks like someone forgot to finish her under-armor protective garment. But maybe that’s just because I am amused by the idea of her starring in a movie about a warrior girl pretending to be a boy so she can fight with the knights — times were sexist back then, see — but who has to be able to slip out of her armor and into a cocktail party at a moment’s notice. Imagine the hijinks as she runs back and forth  over and over, between a meeting at the Round Table and one of Guinevere’s famous Tupperware salons.

Ashley Greene went with something a bit more basic:
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Fug-or-Fab The Man Rebellion: Joe Jonas


NIKKI REED: Hey, Joe. So.. what’s up?

JOE: My TESTOSTERONE, that’s what! Check it!

NIKKI: I’d rather talk about how I look basically very nice, despite the fact that you will forget everything about this outfit in about an hour, even if you are standing next to me at the time.

JOE: Well, I’d rather talk about my soul. I have one. A DEEP one. The patch proves it.

NIKKI: Come to think of it, in an hour, will anyone remember I was in Eclipse until the next set of movies comes out?

JOE: And see this shirt? It says MAN-SWEAT. It says, “I just swung an axe at some wood for my LADY.”

NIKKI: Oh well, I’ll enjoy the free clothes and awesome parties while I can.

JOE: Did you say “man”? Because I’M HERE. LET ME SPEAK DEEPLY TO YOU.

NIKKI: … or maybe I’ll only enjoy the free clothes.


Fugsley Greene/Fug Or Fab


Lord knows I love a crimson shoe. But I keep looking at this outfit and wondering if Ashley has just stepped off the set of a movie in which she plays the straight-laced student who has to take dance to pass P.E. and save her from a descent into drugs, and the power of ballroom gets her to loosen her braid and ratchet down her necklines — until her parents catch her doing the lambada with some random Jonas from the lacrosse team and she has to start indulging her forbidden passion in secret. Maybe they can even call it Wango Tango, just so that music fest’s godawful name will finally have half a reason to exist. Although I’d also accept Fantastic Mr. Foxtrot, Rumba & Coke, and, just for fun, Dirty Prancing.
I wasn’t wild about this ensemble of Ashley’s, either:

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Fug or Fab: Anna Kendrick

It must be SO WEIRD to be Anna Kendrick right now. She was nominated for an OSCAR and then she has to pop back over to the Twilight movies, where she generally has approximately four lines. It’s like if Clooney got his role in ER, but still had to finish up a few episodes of The Facts of Life. On the other hand, it’s probably a low key affair for her, and she has been, historically, EASILY the funniest person in the films. Probably because she’s talented. And because her character often thinks Bella is acting like a total nitwit at the times when I most think Bella is acting like a nitwit, so I can relate to her — beyond the fact that her character and I share a name.  But it would be hard for a lot of people not to think privately, “THIS IS ABSURD. I AM AN OSCAR NOMINATED ACTRESS. WHAT AM I DOING AT THIS SHINDIG?”

Well, wearing a very shiny, ruffly dress, for one thing. It’s a bit like what might have happened if Jada Pinkett Smith had decided to bronze her Tonys dress. And while this has a certain Eau D’Upscale Gift Bag, I do not entirely hate it.


Fug or Fab: Nikki Reed and Ashley Greene

It has come to my attention that I don’t totally know the different between Nikki Reed and Ashley Greene. They both play Cullens of some ilk in Twilight and Twilight II: Electric Boogaloo and Twilight III: Electric Boogalee — poorly, from what I remember –and that’s all I know. But I also spent most of Twilight One: The Beginning laughing at Jackson Rathbone’s HILARIOUS wig, and Twilight Two: A New Hope admiring Lautner’s abs. Which is probably why, when I read on the Marchesa twitter feed that they’d dressed Nikki Reed, I was super surprised to see this:

THAT does not look like Marchesa. Also, THAT’S NOT NIKKI REED, JESSICA. THIS is Nikki Reed:
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Well Played, Kristen Stewart

KRISTEN STEWART: I look great.
TAYLOR LAUTNER: I’m wearing layers.
K.STEW: Yeah, but don’t I look great? Like, I’m proving I can be hygienic and still a bit funky at the same time?
T.LAUT: See, if one more person asks me to go shirtless, I’m going to scream, okay? So Rome gets jacket AND shirt. Deal with it.
K.STEW: You’re totally missing the headline here.
T.LAUT: I am HOPING I will miss headlines like, “Lautner Looks Tautner.”
K.STEW: Would you just please stop fixating on the abs that made you famous and check out how awesome I look? Please? I don’t shower for just ANYONE, you know.
T.LAUT: Now I know how Rob felt about his hair. I swear, as soon as we’re done with Breaking Dawn, I’m eating Wendy’s for two months.
K.STEW: Fine. FINE. Ignore my efforts. But if I decide to quit bathing again and wear only solar-paneled skirts from now on, you have only yourself to blame.

MTV Movie Awards Fug: Nikki Reed and Elizabeth Reaser

NIKKI: See this, America? We’re in that movie, too, you know.
NIKKI: It’s not just Kristen and Taylor and Robert. We ALL earned these. 
NIKKI: So stop slobbering all over them and Ashley f’ing Greene and pretending we don’t exist!
NIKKI: Quit forgetting about us!
ELIZABETH: Yeah!… Well, kind of. I didn’t, really. I had two lines in New Moon.
NIKKI: We play really super important characters also, bitches!
ELIZABETH: Yeah!… Well, again, not really.
NIKKI: So until you wake up and smell the coffee I’m percolating, we are going to wear crazy shit like dresses with surrealist flamingo duck-bunnies being savaged by carrots!
ELIZABETH: Yeah! … Wait, NO. God, I really should’ve walked away thirty seconds ago.