Fug File: Twilight

Twilight: Fugging Dawn

I don’t even know what to say about this:

Every time I look at it, I giggle. It’s a velvet suit — excuse me. It’s a CRUSHED VELVET SUIT.  A RED CRUSHED VELVET SUIT. It’s like someone told Jackson Rathbone that he was going to a costume party where everyone was supposed to dress like an Interview With the Vampire megafan, rather than to the premiere of the movie in which HE HIMSELF plays a vampire (albeit complete with hideous wig and scatter-shot accent). In the 90s. And that everyone’s costume had to be constructed solely from remnants scavenged from the costume closet on Melrose Place between October and February, 1994. He would totally win THAT costume contest.

[Photo: Getty]


Amusingly Played, Twilight Cast

I’ve gone from finding this three super annoying to finding them totally amusing. This stems both from my usual Stockholm-Syndrome reaction to things — hit me over the head with something long enough and eventually I give into it (NOT YOU, KARDASHIANS) — but also because every time EW interviews the three of them en masse, they’re really funny. RPattz had me that time he said that he thinks Edward is  “a manic depressive who hates himself,” and I embarrassingly found Taylor Lautner to be nearly the only bearable part of Valentine’s Day. Plus, he was funny on SNL. And I obviously decided I had to sort of like Kristen Stewart that time she gave us finger guns.  Apart from each other, I have to go on a case-by-case basis, but when the three of them are doing an event today, hilarity usually ensues. BEHOLD.


Fug or Fab: Nikki Reed

Looks like a whole bunch of the European tour for Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1, has fallen squarely on Nikki Reed’s shoulders. I don’t really know anything about Nikki Reed, except that she just got married to that scratchy-voiced dude from American Idol who kept wearing a suit covered in roses, and that they were engaged for like an hour after dating for about twenty minutes — AND that I remember watching the little segment on Idol where they met on the red carpet for some movie premiere and she was totally flustered and practically fanning herself and he was all, “Yeeeeeeah,” and I said to myself, “They are so hooking up tonight,” and apparently I may have been right. Bully for me. But am I right about her red carpet clothes? The short version: don’t like this, kinda like some of the rest of it. If you ALREADY think I’m wrong, maybe you should look at the back of this dress before you decide. If you already think I’m RIGHT, then awesome, let’s blow off work and have a beer.

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[Photos: Getty]


Fug or Fab: Ashley Greene/Fugging Dawn



R.PATTZ: And so it begins again.

ASHLEY: Yep. Only one more movie after this one and then we’re done.

R.PATTZ: Those lucky bloody Harry Potter bastards. Done already. Moved on.

ASHLEY: Why aren’t you looking at me?

R.PATTZ: It doesn’t feel proper.


R.PATTZ: Your dress.

ASHLEY: Girl, please. I’ve had worse.

R.PATTZ: It’s not… it’s just…

ASHLEY: Spit it out.

R.PATTZ: It gives you swirly boobs.

ASHLEY… Swirly boobs? Are you ten?

R.PATTZ: I can’t look at you in that dress because I may or may not have a girlfriend who may or may not know you and who may or may not be very upset with me if I look at your dress and all I can see are swirly boobs.

ASHLEY: Maybe you should be more concerned with whether your girlfriend can look at YOU in that facial hair. You look like you fell asleep on a Special Dark.

R.PATTZ: Great, then, we can just carry on and not look at each other and everybody wins.

ASHLEY: Except your girlfriend.

R.PATTZ: No, she wins, too.

ASHLEY: You are really, really overestimating that facial hair.

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[Photo: Getty]


Fuglight: New Moon

So, when you’re Cameron Bright, a.k.a. “that guy who was in one of the Twilight movies one time,” you are kind of near the end of a very long list that includes R.Pattz, Taylor Lautner, Kellan Yutz — whoops, I mean Lutz, obviously — and Peter Facinelli, and that Jackson Rathbone person, and all those werewolves, and then all those other Italian vampires whose eyes are all red and hungry, and Bella’s dad, and, like, Third Local Yokel On The Left… it’s hard work differentiating yourself. So what’s a lad to do?

Be “that guy who was in one of the Twilight movies one time and then turned his feet into a portable zoo.” As if the shirt that looks like Mickey Mouse’s bloodstained hands making a pistol gesture weren’t enough. Good luck to you, kid. Apparently you’re also “that kid who was in that X-Men prequel,” and that’s a pretty long ladder to climb too. Hope your shoes don’t get caught in the rungs.

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]


Fugging Dawn

The caption for this photo generously referred to it as a flirty summer play suit.

I call it “pajamas.”

[Photo: Pacific Coast News]


Hilariously Played, Robert Pattinson’s Hair

Poor R Pattz can’t get a break in terms of his hair. He spent most of the Twilight movies running around looking like Edward hadn’t washed his hair since he was a mortal, and now he has to promote Breaking “Crazy Sex Scene, Weird Baby Stories” Dawn like THIS.