Fug File: Teen Choice Awards
pink dress was inspired by Madonna in the Material Girl video, and while no one loves classic Madonna like I do, I wish someone on Team Zendaya had explained that Madonna was herself dressed exactly like Marilyn Monroe in Gentleman Prefer Blondes. You can’t expect a seventeen year old to know that (although I did, but I am from a time when what is now The CW was just a local station, and that local TV station showed a LOT of musicals), but you do expect the people who dressed her to give her a correct soundbite so as to avoid such KIDS TODAY GET OFF MY LAWNING as…well, this. You can also apply my curmudgeonly attitude to Bella Thorne’s constant near-nip.
“HOLA LOVERS. I have a tip. Aging: do not do it.”
“Because one day, you will be America’s Most Beautiful In The World, and then — even if your legs are like chiseled destiny — suddenly you will find yourself on a stage with the person who PLAYED YOUR CHILD in the movie where Voldemort stayed at your hotel, and everyone will realize you are not twenty-nine, and you will not be able to punch him with the five emerald rings on your finger because that would be rude and you have not been rude since that time on Lopez Idol where Hairosmith sat next to you and stole some of your air. So just… do not do it, lovers. Or at least turn down some of your invitations.”
Girls of a Certain Age can sponsor it) that just trotted out all kinds of thirty- and forty-something hot dudes for our eye candy pleasure. Instead of “What IS a Cody Simpson,” I could be saying, “and here’s the winner of Choice Naked Dude, MICHAEL FASSBENDER,” or “here’s your Choice Hot Dad, HEMSWORTH THE GREATER,” or “everyone, give it up for your Choice Hot Old Dude,” and then introduce the choicest Hot Old Dude. (I can’t remember who we decided that was, last time we talked about Hot Old Dudes.) The final award would be the Ferris Bueller It Is So Choice Choice, of course, and then we’d all be home by 11. But while I work on getting this together, here ARE some Teen Choice Award Dudes. SOME of them ARE kinda old for teens, Jason Dohring.
[Photos: AKM/GSI, Getty, Splash]
Let’s just leave aside the fact that her facial expression is unimpressed — although I am impressed with her eyebrows:
There is a lot about this that could have gone wrong: so many patterns, so many potentially rogue sheer patches, so much — as a friend of mine used to say — of a muchness. This dress is like a Jell-O salad: if everything goes well, it’s both visually stimulating and surprisingly good, but if things go awry, you’re just disgusted at what a crazy mess it is. Lucky, this thing set up beautifully overnight and I, for one, am delighted. I will have seconds, thank you very much.