Fug File: skin is not a shirt

Grammy Party Naked-Off: Lady Victoria Hervey vs. Joanna Krupa


Victoria (whom you may remember from the Globes, and if you didn’t, I’m very sorry that I just harshed your innocence) is a British socialite — basically who I imagine Paris Hilton would like to be, a.k.a., dubiously employed but unquestionably titled — and Joanna is a model who is also on one of the Real Housewives shows. Both of them would like you to look at them, it seems. Be careful what you wish for, ladies.

First up: Lady V.

For one bone-chilling moment, I thought that was Stacy Keibler, and I feel like Intern George may have gotten some e-mails this morning as well from well-meaning friends who wrote, “George, she’s OFF THE RAILS, pull her back on.” Fortunately, it’s not Stacy; just a supremely bronzed person wearing a slow-dying bubble bath.

And in the other corner, we have Ms. Krupa, in a knockoff of the dress that Jaimie Alexander may wish she’d never worn because it is forever linked with her name:

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Chestily Played, Tricia Helfer


Oh my God, you guys.

There are some days when I desperately wish we were all hanging out, collectively, like in a villa on Lake Como, so that when a photo like this came through on the wire I could just rip it out of the fax machine (don’t ask me WHEN we’re all living) and race through Fug Compound, screeching. And then we’d all just gather round and SCREECH TOGETHER. BECAUSE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug the Show: Secret Circle


This isn’t a full Fug The Show, and in fact, it’s an episode that aired around Halloween, so it’s a tad old. But I accidentally deleted it from my DVR and kept forgetting to go look up the screen grabs. Be grateful for the holiday lull, if you are the type of person who enjoys being aghast, because this shirt will do it for you. This shirt. THIS SHIRT.

Meet Faye, aka Phoebe Tonkin. She is the Mischievous Witch in the coven, and the one who always wants to use their magic for mischief, and makes this face at people a lot because she’s panting sarcastic or suggestive retorts in their faces. Frankly, I don’t really remember anything else that’s happening on this show except that (stop reading if you still haven’t watched the fall finale from six weeks ago) the blonde one is apparently descended from Ultimate Evil so she’s probably going to get tickled by the nasty bug. But that’s beside the point. In this episode, the girls were shopping for Halloween costumes. And it seems like maybe they’re just regular witches having a regular old close-talking squabble about boys and parties, right? Until we saw this:

you are going to love this

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Golden Globes Well Played, Camilla Belle/WTF, Camilla Belle?!?


We usually associate Camilla Belle with really edgy, ornate and intricate outfits, which are always very polished and of-the-moment and sophisticated, even if they’re frequently not quite our thing. So she surprised us a bit lately by going in slightly off-path in different ways. Let’s start with the Globes:

I don’t ever expect Camilla to go this basic, but it’s kind of a nice palate cleanser. This is kind of a cleav-tacular version of Emma Stone’s outfit — very simple, very sleek, but very pretty because it’s handled correctly vis a vis accessories and makeup. I probably will not remember this dress a year from now — unlike what she wore to the 2010 Globes, which totally stuck with me — but it served its purpose. I’m not mad at her, you know? It’s a froof sorbet, and I kind of needed one from her.

And then. AND THEN.

Somebody abandoned ship

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CMA Awards Fug Carpet and Good For You Performance: Gwyneth Paltrow


At first glance, I was like, “DUDE. Gwynnie’s waist is SO SMALL WHAT IS UP?”

Then I realized that what I thought was back-drop was actually still part of her body and Gwyneth has not started corseting herself into Scarlett O’Hara proportions — something for which we can all be grateful (especially, I suspect, Gwyneth) if only because this means we won’t have to sit through some crazy GOOP all about how GP’s trainer decided it would be a good idea to get her midsection looking more antebellum. All those GOOPs about exercise really harsh my mid-morning toast buzz — all I want to do is read Gwyneth’s take about where I ought to stay in Marrakesh over breakfast, not feel guilty about my lackluster work-outs. Anyhoodle: I have to admit that I actually don’t super-hate this, but it just seems like a LOT of skin for Gwynnie, what with the legs and the side-midriff and the bare shoulders. On J Lo, I would love it, but, darling amigos, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jennifer Lopez are very different ladies and never should their stylistic twain meet, in my opinion.

I’m relieved that she went much more simple for her performance:
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Fugtoria’s Secret


Okay, FINE, Victoria’s Secret:

As long as you don’t expect me to wear it LIKE THIS.

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